Why Does This Never Work Out?

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I keep wanting to be poised, proper and prissy but for some reason it doesn't work out, ever. I got told that I will never be normal because I'm autistic. I'm started to wonder if being prissy just isn't the type of woman I am. I don't even think the stereotype I'm attempting to be doesn't exist or at least in this day and age.

I wish that I could be my 98% tomboyish self but instead I pressure myself to be prim and proper because that will make it easier to find friends. I'm started to wonder if I were to be myself I would be able to make friends easier. This is stressing me out. No one is pressuring me to be ladylike and prissy so I don't get why I pressure myself to be like that.

I've heard that if you fake who you are as a person then eventually people will find out who you truly are and what your actual personality is. Is that even true?

If it's in your nature to be Tomboyish, then do it. There's no need to self-impose some sort of gender identify upon yourself if you don't feel it's natural.

I've never been able to keep up some stereotypical version of femininity myself and it would be way too difficult to try to fake it and keep it up over time. Too exhausting. And even if you did make some friends with your fake put on, would it be worth it, trying to keep up that charade every day?

Nah. Trust me when I say there are women out there who feel exactly as you do.

Wait, you say that "want" to be prim and prissy? Or do you think that people expect that of you? The distinction is very important.

It's hard to explain. I know who I truly am on the inside. I know that people don't expect it of me. It's almost like a confusion sort of deal. I feel as if I'm tricking myself into believing that I want to be prim and prissy. This is a bad cycle and I can't get out of it. I'm confused. So it's both wanting and feeling the need to be that way.

I have panic attacks over this and wish that I could be myself and know that it is okay not to look like your on your way to the mall to say "OMG! I so love these shoes!" with your friends. I've been friends with guys for the most part almost my entire life. I wish this wasn't a priority. This has become a number one priority.

Basically, I'm starting to think that prissy and proper is normal and being tomboyish or just being myself makes me weird.