I just completed the rough cut of a new documentary. It's taken me four years of research and planning and saving my money to make it happen, and now I've been reaching out to friends to view it for critical feedback. But I'm discovering just what my "friends" are really like, none seem to have the time, or it's "Oh I haven't had time, later this week." Excuses, excuses. I feel so alone. I'm trying to make my film as good as it can be, yet I can't get anyone to help me.
Because, if this film fails, I think I'm going to kill myself. I've been trying to succeed for ten years. Ten years of films that didn't matter a damn to anyone (except me), meanwhile other, younger filmmakers rise to the apex and I'm just a goddamn nobody. No girlfriend, no collaborators, nothing. If this film fails, what will people think of me? I'll be the loser who spent all that money on a film no one cared about. Not to mention the money my parents helped me with when things were tight, god bless them. They deserve better than me.
If this film fails, that's it. Because I've tried everything, and it will be clear I'm not good enough, and if I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to live, and don't want to.
18 Feb 2017, 11:54 pm
