Might go to jail

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Long story short, I got really big into selling and using drugs, especially on school property. I got caught January 3 smoking weed laced with hash on the bus. My friend had an ounce on them give or take. To get out trouble, they ratted that I've been selling them oxy and adderall. The school is holding felony possession with intent to distribute, possession of paraphernalia, felony possession of marijuana concentrates, felony distribution, and felony possession on school property over my head and the only reason they haven't pressed charges is because I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 7th grade. At the same time, my mental health has been slowly deteriorating. I have frequent violent episodes, which I never had in the past. I'm usually pretty mellow and normal, 99% of people would never know I'm on the spectrum, even people I'm close to, without me telling them. The problem with these violent episodes is that my parents are pissed at me and if they decide that I'm not doing what I need to, then they can call up the school and tell them to press charges. If that happens I'm done. I'd probably commit suicide honestly. Everyday I struggle with whether or not I stay where I am and risk my life falling apart or run away and sell heroin to junkies in the city a few miles away and flee to the UK and just sell dope there. At least I know I'm good at it. Life is so uncertain right now but at the same time so predictable and my mind is too exhausted to process it all. I just wish I could go back in time and not be an aspie ret*d and make normal connections with people in elementary and middle school. Junkies are the only people that accepted me and I dove right into it trying to find more people to accept me. My personality is non existent it changes so easily, it's I have no personal identity. A year ago, I was an edge lord who tried his best to piss everyone off, then I turned into a computer geek last summer, at the beginning of the school year I was stoic and tried to assert my dominance everywhere I went, and now that I'm out of all of those social situations I'm just a shell that smokes cigarettes, watches anime, cares too much about clothes, and listens to sad music. For all I know next week I might sexually identify as an oyster.

As someone who was high basically every waking hour for 7 years strait (weed, high caliber stuff) why on the bus and not before? All jokes aside....

I did it to where after so many years of it non stop that it altered my brain that controls how my heart beats and have had multiple problems regarding this. I cannot do it anymore and never will. Like I did, you need to cut all ties with everyone associated with using and have nothing to do with it. I know it is tough to do if you aren't facing death like I was, but it needs to happen. Dealing will eventually get you killed wheather it's from a rival dealer, or a junkie hoping to rip off everything you have. I advise that you drown yourself in work. Non stop till you you have no time besides eating and sleeping for another day of work. A few years of that will give you an accomplishment and a future that you can be proud of and maybe someday a family of your own to be proud of. I know too mAny people in my old circle that are dead, prison, strippers etc. you need to get away from this life. I know my words are worthless, but you need to show your parents that you want something more for yourself and grab that opportunity or it will be a tough road coming up. Once you find your place outside of this, hobbies or work is where you will find like minded people to accept you. I admit, I know very few that accept me, but the ones that do are worth it. I have many years on you and I've grown to not care about others accepting me anymore. If they don't, I don't need them in my life. Love wise is a different story. I am very lonely in regards to this and it's a huge struggle for me. Being an Aspie definitely hurt me.

I wish you luck and hope you find a better path. I am not judging, just merely hoping to help

First offense = guilty of lesser charge, probation, fine

More then likely,

Don't do drugs at school, get high and then go to school or make edibles and stay high for days. Most lesser felonies don't stick unless you just really screwed the pooch and kill someone. Normally they lower then to misdemeanors if they are lower then a class C and I don't they they will make a you a felon at your age. Do try to avoid felonies though, they are nasty.

Then stop the BS and go to college.

They have this "over your head" so you'll straighten up.

I had a few things "over my head" when I was a kid, too. I was almost sent to a group home when I was 13.

Why do you sell drugs, anyway? For economic reasons?

Yes, there's lots of hypocrisy in the "greater world."

It doesn't mean you have to react to the hypocrisy by destroying yourself.

That's what you get when you're a "hot boy" and "ride dirty." I'm not sure how it works with the school system, but hopefully you used your right to remain silent and seek an attorney. Also, burner phones, hopefully you were using a disposable phone not tied to your name that you can destroy or claim isn't yours.

I made a living selling for many years. I too found I was good at it. A lot of dealers can't do the simple stuff like have product in stock and meet you in a timely manner. I got lots of customers quickly because usualy you had drugs in a few hours or less and I was never out.

An oz of weed sounds like a lot it's really not in the world I was in. I used to get several free oz extra because I worked with growers. This branches into other "hippie" drugs like LSD and MDMA. I always took a hard moral line on certain drugs and gave up the chance to sell them. For example coke, wow I could have made tons of money on that but I know what it is.

Before I knew it I was in deep and often thought what a waste of time a real job would be. I could make hundreds of dollars in an hour and I was by no stretch charging street price. It's an addicting lifestyle and you can never accept your wage being taxed the same way after. You will always remember how easy the money once was. The life comes with paranoia though. I used to carry an 8 inch hunting knife on me at all times. I never had to use it but there were lots of threats of violence and snitching on me to police over the years. You always think what if I got arrested today or what if one of my buyers or supplier does? Will they give up my name? I got lucky but lots people did not. Like one person who wanted to be my partner is doing 15 years now. I could see he was careless and I guess he found someone else to sell to him. But he really me think. I was so close to him.

All I can say is that there will come a point where you want to leave the life behind. If you don't feel that way you never will. All jail will do in America is break you down into an animal. If you have a chance to not live the life you should.

Thank you for writing this. My son is in jail now for a felony. Not for drug related charges, but he is very enamored with the drug scene and lifestyle. It is hard for me to understand as a parent. It is scary and baffling because I see the long term implications and possible outcomes. He seems to also see them, but accept them as a possible outcome. Jail is not something that is scary for him. Probably because he has only experienced juvenile detention, not "big" jail. Your writing his has given me insight to his thinking. I hate watching it. But I am trying hard to let go. To care about him, not for him.

Honestly, if you're not an adult and it's your first offense, with a good defense attorney playing the mental illness card, you'll get off with probably rehab and probation, and your record will be clean. You can still graduate and get your life on track. Just don't be cynical about it, you don't have to be about this lifestyle. You're more than capable of finding yourself and having a productive life, you don't need this.