My Rant...

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My rant: I am frustrated that despite being told by two different doctors when I was a child, my mom did not accept their diagnosis of autism. She was afraid and did not want to think that I was damaged. While I can logically understand that her fear and confusion were out of ignorance, I also feel somewhat unaccepted.

I am angry at the Sunday school teacher who, when asked what was wrong with me by another child, answered by saying that I was “different from everyone else” instead of saying “nothing.” I am still upset by all of the people who used to constantly get in my face and try to touch me then laugh and say how “cute” I was when I would hide behind my mother’s legs. They often made remarks that I was just shy. I am frustrated by my black and white, literal way of thinking that has caused me to take the idea that only “boo boo’s that bleed are a problem” and extrapolating the idea that acknowledging difficulties that do not bleed is a sign of weakness. I am frustrated by living in a family where everyone ignored my quirks and told me I was normal until I met nerotypicals and found myself “different from everyone else” again while my family has, at times treated me like I'm incompetent.

I am frustrated that a deep seeded foundational belief in the core of my worldview is that I am ignorant, stupid, and weak. I am angry that, while my mom was very patient with me and found ways to connect with me when teaching me K-2nd grade, she often got frustrated because she thought at times when I did not understand, I was not understanding because I was not trying hard enough. I am somewhat frustrated that when my younger siblings were born, I was entrusted with doing school on my own from 3rd-12th grade. To make it through, I had to fake answers to many of my tests by memorizing portions of my textbooks without understanding what I was memorizing because I was not able to keep up with the kids in my class (kids on taped classes).

I am frustrated that, while I was turning in the answers from the back of the book to my mom for homework assignments, it took me three years to teach myself fractions and other basic math concepts. It frustrates me that while I am great at pattern recognition and thus can wright relatively well, I still forget what an adverb is and cannot consistently remember the definition of each tense.

While it is an honor, it is also frustrates me that when I was nine, I had to make a conscious decision to be more like a dad to my younger siblings than a brother because our father was absent. It frustrates me that I sometimes feel jealous of my siblings because they get to have opportunities that I could never have had even though I helped pave the way for them. In addition, now that they are grown, I do not feel that I have a place. It irritates me that, growing up, I was always more comfortable talking with adults then people my own age and now that I am an adult, I am only capable of saying hello or talking with others about the technicalities of serious topics.

It agitates me that every classroom or office I have ever worked in uses fluorescent or bright LED lighting. It irritates me that even though I am an expert in my field, my grandfather still talks around me like I am an idiot because I cannot communicate as well as my older brother. It frustrates me that I graduated with a bachelor’s degree with a 4.0 and the only job I can find that does not require working with burgers or manure is working in a call center.

I am angry that at work I am consistently given complements on my work ethic, attitude, and quality; however, I have been passed over for promotion countless times—often by people I helped train. I am tired of helping customers overcome problems that would have come up in a day, month, year, four years, etc. and secretly staying over 1-3 hours almost every day for over five years and still being told that I’m not meeting quota and, in comparison with team averages, I’m not cutting it. Meanwhile, working in a call center has made me push myself beyond extremes and now my health is in the gutter, my life is in shambles, and my mind that thinks my difficulties should be easy to overcome is calling me a Nancy for being weak.

I am frustrated that the policies at work have changed and that I am now required to be documented as having a “disability” in order for my supervisor to show any consideration for the additional time I spend in the restroom daily due to sensory overload and irritable bowel syndrome. I am frustrated that the documentation that I have from my primary care doctor and my psychologist are suddenly not enough and that Human Resources wants each doctor to fill out a document that is 3 pages long after reading a job description that is five pages long and uses company verbiage. I understand, but am angry that my supervisor says he cannot do anything to work with me until the new documentation is on file even though I’ve done everything humanly possible to get in touch with my primary care doctor (who is on vacation for three weeks) and my psychologist who I have not heard back from yet. I am frustrated that all of this caused a panic attack yesterday that made me have to leave early. Then, since my current, physician signed documentation is no longer enough, I was asked for a doctor’s note as though I have something like the flu.

I hate that I found out that I am autistic last year by using Google after thinking that I might be a psychopath because I do not feel the way that other people feel and people confuse me. I am agitated that I only had to meet with my psychologist once for him to confirm that I am clearly autistic. I am frustrated by knowing that telling my grandfather that I am autistic will likely make him think I am broken and weak, but not telling him will likely keep a rift in our relationship because, I think I offended him somehow by not showing the proper level or type of emotion that he felt appropriate while I was helping to oversee my grandmother’s funeral.

I am frustrated that light that is painful, sounds are overwhelming, and panic attacks result from the back-up plans for my back-up plans’ back-up plans (yes, I fully intended to say back-up plans three times) falling apart. I am tired of feeling anxious and scared that people will see me for who and what I am because despite working hard to overcome, I still see myself as weak. I am tired of not knowing what to do or how to act and finding out that people at work are socializing but am not invited. I am angry that when I say something in person, email, text, chat, etc. and don’t get a response, I don’t know if I’ve offended someone or not. I am tired of being constantly confused by Instagram and Facebook and feeling dumb in ways that other people seem smart and smart in ways that other people seem really, really dumb.

Finally, I am frustrated by not really knowing who I am. My entire identity has been based on pretending/faking it based on what I’ve read and seen. To my parents, I have tried to be the ideal son. For my siblings, the ideal brother/father figure. At work, the ideal employee (though I fear this has been ineffective and, perhaps, I’ve overcompensated by being too much of a “company man”). Etc. And that dear friends is my rant.

I am sorry for your frustration(s). I know with my diagnosis [around February of 2016], my father was in denial about it and my mother couldn't get him to accept it. Now he uses it as a form of blackmail when we disagree or argue. I suppose I am lucky that I was diagnosed at an age where I could comprehend what was being spoken of, and the paperwork was handed directly to me, rather than to my mother [who may have hidden it for a while].

From what I've noticed with some, it is semi-common for some people to put on a mask of the "perfect" type of person in-order to fit in and thrive. It is a shame that you had to do so for so long with little knowledge about what made you different... It is good that you are aware now. Perhaps it would be wise to inform others with whom you have close ties of your autism diagnosis, if you have not informed them already. Would discussing these irritants with others help clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen?

Maybe taking some time away from life would do you some good? I know that when I have similar issues I tend to take a "break" of some sort to do some minor soul-searching. What helped some of my acquaintances who are on the spectrum was learning to accept their status and gradually lowering the mask that they wore for so long.

With being wired differently, life can be a never ending challenge that can be a tax on your mind and relations... but it is important to accept these set-backs with stride [or a clumsy gait in my case]. It isn't easy being socially inept, nor is it easy getting through life while being bombarded with noises that rip at your ears, and lights that burn like acid, but it is what make you who you are. When one puts on an act for so long, it can be hard to give up the role.. but it helps ease the weight of life when the role is finally dropped [and it is worth it when it happens]

DualMorality,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.

Life is what it is. Filled with its beauties and difficulties. While it is somewhat comforting to hear that you've had some similar family and life struggles, I'm still very sorry to hear of the difficulties that you have had. I am truly encouraged by your perseverance, however clumsy you may feel at times. Thanks again.

It's no problem. I glad that I could be of some assistance [and thank you as well]

I hope things get easier to manage for you as time moves on

Having ranted, which is not something that I usually do, I realized today that a lot more came out than expected. So... I want to clarify that my family is amazing and very supportive. I'm sure that most of the time when I feel like I am being treated like I'm incompetent, it is probably my fault due to how I think. Also, despite difficulties at work, it is a tremendous blessing to have a job.

In addition, while having the autism diagnosis would have helped a lot when I was growing up, not knowing has probably made me a lot stronger and, in a sense, better able to empathize with others. At this point stress is high (thus the length of my rant, sorry) and I am trying to figure out who I am and where to go from here. Despite this, I have dealt with a lot in the past and always found a way to claw back up from the bottom. Apologies for any oversharing. Blessings!