wish i was dead

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i pretty much hate myself and every last thing about myself. i think i shouldn't have been born i have too many issues and i wish god had aborted me. i want to live but i kind of want to die. i feel like an aberration. most people all my life have just thought i was a loser or lazy or probably just an evil, rude b***h making
excuses for herself and that i didn't have any real challenges. all the hard work i put in to fit in has just fired back on me because people now just view my challenges as character flaws. i am 34 and i am still not independent and have never had a relationships ever. it makes me want to kill myself because deep down i think i'm not autistic but just a monster that should die. i hate myself so much

thank you for listening

it says i'm male; i am female, but too tired to correct right now

i don't expect much response i guess.
see ya around

This reads like other people making you feel bad about yourself rather than you independently feeling bad about yourself. There will always be cruel people to rag on you - you don't have to take up the cruelty toward yourself.
Independence and relationships are often classic areas of difficulty for autistic people. If you are, then these are legitimate challenges brought about by neurology, not a character flaw. Anyone who says otherwise is just ignorant.
You deserve happiness and life as much as any creature. You like anyone else have wonderful characteristics as well as your challenges - maybe you just need to appreciate those things about yourself, for yourself. No one else has to agree with you, but you'll know.
Can you spend some time with others who think better of you? Might help you give yourself a bit of credit.