Stressed Out

Post Reply New Topic

Just to warn this mentions suicide and self harm.

Things seem to be falling apart now, the walls are coming down, the mask is slipping call it what you will. I'm having incredibly intrusive thoughts including suicidal or self harm ones, honestly what is to stop me from walking into a bus or driving a knife into my arm? I don't feel safe at all. I have written a little poetry to try and get rid of things but it hasn;'t really helped so I'm posting this. I feel very worked up and uncomfortable. I have completed 2 exams, tomorrow's will be difficult, Friday's will be too, same for next week. I'm so sick of this second guessing myself, tired of things getting in the way. I've been putting a fairly decent amount of time into my study which even prompted a 'crikey' from someone but my study area in uni was messed up but has now been rectified which helps though it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

Things bothering me at the moment include the fact that I've been assigned a thesis supervisor for next year and I've heard some bad things about him, very worried about that. Bumped into a friendly pleasant girl today from my social skills training programme (now finished but I helped her with her postgrad application) but I feel I messed up the conversation so feel incredibly guilty and want to apologise, last night my gran seemed to think I was loosing hair and she asked if I had a girlfriend (might have been asking my parents) I said no and she replied oh well it's time you had one which I laughed off. I'm 24 and haven't even kissed a girl yet and I'm incredibly self conscious about this issue then there's paranoia, anxiety, low mood...I don't even know I can tell the difference any more. These must all seem so pathetic but my stress levels go off the charts because of things like this and I can't concentrate on my work.

I wish I could turn to someone but it's hard to know how to ask, I finished counselling the other day, I don't see my occupational therapist til June 8th (though I'm allowed to email her) and I don't know what support course director/personal tutor is able to offer. I'm going to try and go back to the library now.

double post

well you should try and find a nice hobby you enjoy and thant takes your mind off bad things
at least for a little while to get away from everything
painting is good
you write poems that's nice

im playing alot of video games at the moment there takeing my mind off some of the problems im haveing

Thanks for the comments. I might reinstall Call of Duty but I don't know if I've time to play it. I used to take photos but that hasn't been a priority for months.

You're reacting to all the stress you are under. Stress is a huge trigger of intrusive/ disordered thinking. Try to keep this in mind, because the stress is causing you to lose all perspective. Once you can emerge from the stress a bit you will start to feel better. 24 is very young! You have at least 50 more years to find a woman to kiss. And I think it has been all but scientifically proven that AS males marry/ have relationships/ have children later in life than NT males. This probably explains why older men are more likely to have autistic offspring... men with autistic genes just end up procreating later in life, in general.

I hope things improve with you soon!

It sounds to me that you are aware of your issues and you know what you want...Of course, awareness and knowing doesn't take away the frustration...but I think it's great that you are starting from specific, down to earth issues...
I think when I feel overwhelmed, it helps me to just take it one at a time...one step at a time...and you will do fine..
As for kissing a girl, the act of kissing itself may be less important than the heart behind it...Your self worth does not lie in whether you have kissed a girl or not...or whether you have been in a relationship or not, if that's what's you're implying by kissing a girl...It seems that there is a right time for everyone, and the best choice is to learn to enjoy the process....although it is difficult to be patient...Here's what I've found out...if you can't enjoy the process of getting there, you may not be able to enjoy it when you are actually there....

man, you made me sad. i thought i have nice life regardless of the problems i go through, then you wrote about your ones and it seems like me (including the girls problem) and all the reasons why i should be stressed out because of it, too... but i am going to suppress these feelings. i am good at it. you know, first of all, i do realize that all of these problems go away some time from now. your exams will finish eventually regardless of how difficult it is going to be. what's the point of suffering over something that you know is going to end up soon or later?