With my dream shattered I've lost my purpose in living

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I have had a tumultuous life fraught with many problems, but the thing that kept me adrift, the essence of my vitality and determination to live was my devotion and passion for my dream, which was European sword fighting and martial arts. I've always been enthralled by the art and history of European sword fighting from an early age and grew up reading and researching about the resurrection of this lost art, and in the nadir of my distress the mastery of European sword fighting became my ambition and reason to live, as not only was it something I intrinsically enjoyed but it also gave me a feeling of power, mastery and confidence I have always been deprived of. While people can go on about all the fond memories growing up with a loved one, my closest companion was the French longsword heirloom from my family bequeathed to me on my 14th birthday and has since been an inseparable companion that I've lived side by side with and been through many trials with. I say this all to let you all know just how much my dream to master European sword fighting means to me, and how close my sword means to me, and thus try to give you an idea of the pain I'm going through because of what happened on Friday.

Last Friday when I was driving early in the afternoon I had my sword with me in the front seat. I don't bring my sword with me just out of self defense, but because as I said it's always been there for me in dire and harsh times. As I was driving suddenly a dumb driver decides to drive incredibly close to my car and was acting very aggressively on the road, driving recklessly without any restraint. When my car tried to fill in a gap the dumb driver just idiotically rushes in and smashes his car into my side door. It just so happens that my sword was also on the side door so you can extrapolate from here the rest of the story.

Anyways I was taken the hospital immediately and given all kinds of medicine which knocked me out, and when I wake up after nearly a day of intermittent passing out I learn that:

A: My sword was damaged from the impact. That itself is tragic as it is. But, it gets much worse.

B: Most of the bones on the side of my body which received the impact are shattered, yes shattered.

C: The sobering prognostication from the doctors, and the worst part of all this ordeal is: the doctor told me realistically after asking about the possibility of being able to go back to martial arts and european sword fighting, and his answer was this: no dice.


All of the years training, reading, immersing myself in not just my passion but also my dream, and what was all that for? So I can have the one thing which gave me meaning taken away from me like that? What was all that for? Now as I spend the next many years in rehab trying to recover from this injury I'll be living as a shell of my former self, tantalized as I watch myself struggle to barely do even simple life functions (even writing this email today took many intermittent periods during computer breaks as even my typing and word processing has suffered) while it was only 4 days ago I felt so confident and reassured by my dream and my sword by myself. Now that all of that is gone, I honestly feel all the pain and suffering in my life which was succored by my dream and happiness, I feel now that all of it's gone it has created a vacuum where all the bad is able to reemerge and fill in this vacuum. I know I'm not making sense at all and that all this is subjective to my own experiences, but I can't take keeping this to myself. It really is agonizing me and filling me with distress to go through this change in fortune.

Go read up on Eric Raymond the computer hacker, who was born with cerebral palsy and is a black-belt in some form of martial arts (not sure which one).

https://www.google.com/search?num=50&q= ... TcEmSTw8L4

https://www.google.com/search?num=50&q= ... l458cWouKM

Salad, try to let go of expectations right now but just take each day as it comes. Doctors' prognostications are sometimes wrong, and even if you can't participate in your martial art the same way you used to, the odds are good that you can be around the sport, possibly teach it, and learn new ways of interacting with that community.

But for now? Just breathe slowly and deeply and focus on feeling better, doing some gentle stretches (after talking with a physical or occupational therapist for guidance), and resting.

Warriors do not give up just because they are wounded. Remember that.

Doctors say many things. If I had listened to them - the specialists and the surgeons, I would be dead right now. They are often wrong way more than they would ever admit, or we would expect.
They tell you you can never manage swordplay again - they may be wrong. Everyone's body responds differently. Maybe you just need time for you body to heal, to rebuild. Your rehabilitation from your injuries may even benefit from incorporating the sword. Maybe not to the standard you used to be able to, but more gently, maybe it could even help you, if it's your passion? Is there a kata involved in your tradition, that you could do without the weight of the sword for a while, but that would help you rebuild those faculties? Maybe you will not get back to your previous strength, but your body will heal and get stronger.
Your experience is still recent, so your emotional freakout may still be too intense. Time may be needed to recover, and then assess. Try not to jump to too many conclusions and rule anything out when it's still early days.
If it turns out you cannot manage the sword again, if martial arts is still your passion, then perhaps your interest can be extended to other forms? Forms that will make the most of your strength, give you your self confidence back in the knowledge that you can handle yourself, even after injury? Krav maga springs to mind - they recommend this to women, because even though your average woman can be much smaller and physically weaker than her attackers, with the right techniques, a female krav maga fighter will still kick the shite out of a man twice her weight.
Perhaps you can immerse yourself in a new form of fighting strength with as much enthusiasm as you have for sword play, and discover a valuable interest that can give you back your meaning. Your injuries could even galvanize you in that regard - you may be able to re-dedicate yourself to mastering the techniques of fighting despite your injuries, dedicated to overcoming them as much as you possibly can, and finding every way to do that. To prove to yourself that this accident won't beat you. A good instructor could even work with you in a rehabilitation capacity, using the discipline of their tradition to help make the most of your body as it heals.
Try not to be too downcast, as hard as that may be. You don't yet know how you'll progress, if you can return to the sword or if you can't, that you passion for martial arts can't be extended to embrace new forms.

Doctors don't know everything.

One of my favorite tennis players, Denis Istomin, was told he'd never play tennis again following a serious car accident. Yet his determination to succeed and his mother's encouragement helped him succeed on the ATP tour. That determination led to a victory over Novak Djokovic this year.

As Bea said, take one day at a time and don't give up.

It could be a lot worse. You could have recieved worse injury in the crash.

I had to give up my dream once. It was painful, but I eventually found a new one. It takes time to go through it emotionally.

Take it slow and heal. Maybe try passing on your knowledge to others being a teacher in the meantime. I know a guy who got throw out of a moving train and hit a pole, but he is still kicking ass to date.

Also, maybe a one-handed raiper style or French foil might be a bit doable after a while of healing.

You have experienced a very abrupt derailing of the path you were on, and when things like that happened to me (and they did), I felt bewildered and disorientated, and sometimes felt like giving up. However new pathways evolved in time. We do and can change - change direction, change goals, develop new plans. I remember how, at those times, someone new often turned up in my life and helped lead me in a new direction that I would not have considered before they arrived in my life; sometimes serendipity does just seem to happen like this.

Looking back through the lens of a lot of time - I am a lot older than you - I marvel at the sudden appearance of those strangers who entered my life at particular times, and who had the function in my life of guiding me to the new pathways. These people tended to turn up at those times when I was at my most confused and felt lost. Whether their appearances were coincidences or not, I don't know. Maybe they were, maybe not. Anyway, I want to say to you that these things can happen, and that I sincerely hope that they also happen to you also. It is wonderful to recall the influence, appearances and kindness of those strangers, and the gifts they brought me - of renewed hope, reclaimed purpose, restored energy - made it possible to live and fight for another dream another day.

As the saying goes - it's not over until it's over. You have a long way to go and a long time to get there. Hold on to hope, or if you can't right now, then perhaps there are others who care for you who can hold on to it for you, until you are ready to resume that hope yourself. For now, there must be a period of healing and self-kindness,to give yourself compassion for your loss, to grieve. This may take a while, though later this year some hope may break through again and bring about the inner renewal which guides us forward.
All the best and I wish you swift healing without complications. It is painful to mourn the loss of a dream, though it is important to do so and it helps us move on when we are ready to reclaim our courage to begin again. I hope something wonderful lies ahead for you in the not too distant future.

get a psychologist

but do not tell the psychologist you "I've Lost My Purpose In Living". they might misinterpret it (they tend to do that a lot) and send you to 5150.

take life one day at a time

get psych meds

get a support group

try out new hobbies

We're sorry to hear that.



Sweet Pea hugs





Don't believe what the doctors tell you. I've seen some of the serious injuries that some Olympic athletes have endured as children and they still made it to the top of the podium.

Praying for your healing.
And don't let a doctor take away your purpose in living.
Either you will recover enough to resume your original dream,
or you will find a new dream.

I recommend the film Born on the 4th July:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_on_t ... July_(film)

Tom Cruise goes off to fight in Vietnam, comes back in a wheelchair and finds that the sacrifice he made for his country was all based on lies. After a period of despair, he goes on to become a very high profile anti-war activist. Very inspiring film.

I feel for you and know the pain. I trained horses. They were my life. A year ago I had an accident. The horse I was riding, Bill, was attacked by my stupid neighbours dog. He blind bolted. I got taken away in an ambulance. He was shot.
My life is totally empty now and I have severe PTSD. Horses trigger massive anxiety and flashbacks. I cannot get over the fact it's my fault that my darling boy died. I broke the first first rule of horses which is always be aware of your environment. I was stupidly sitting there thinking what a perfect day it was. I didn't notice the dog until too late. I wish the Hospital hadn't 'saved' me. They saved for what? An empty broken life. It would have been better if I had died with Bill.