I can't cope with all this anymore

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It's been a long time since I've been on the forum, but my condition's been worsening a lot lately and I'm starting to get desperate. So here goes:

I've had depression on and off for pretty much my whole life. I remember being sent to school counselors as young as 9, which eventually led to my being diagnosed as an aspie at 11.

Generally how bad the depression is at a given time depends on how rough my life is at the time, which makes sense I guess, however, some thoughts are there even at the best of times: There's no meaning in life for me, nothing to look forward to, any happiness I do find isn't worth the pain I've had to go through in return, I spend each day waiting for it to be over, I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

Until recently I was on a really good run, the last bout of depression was late 2014, so I'd made it 2 1/2 years with relatively good mental health, so I thought, that's it, I've beaten it, I can relax now.

But lately, I've started feeling hopeless again. Now that I'm getting older (as in, not a kid anymore) I can't help but feel jealous of everyone else my age, and I feel like I'm useless because I'm so behind. I'm 22. I have one friend whom I am grateful for, but he's an aspie too, so we just hang out at home, so I don't really have much of a social life, I spend most nights playing games or watching Star Trek with my parents. I've basically resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably always live at home and never get a girlfriend, but that's getting harder to deal with as time goes by, and I'm feeling more lonely all the time. I've lost count of the number of times a concert or something has come up on Facebook and I've thought "I'd go if I had someone to go with". It's gotten to the stage now where it's too dangerous to go on Facebook because I get jealous and depressed.

I also don't have a job, and to be honest I'm not convinced I'd be able to hold one down, unless it's a sax teaching job like I want. I feel guilty that I still need my parents to buy things for me when everyone else my age has all the latest gadgets and thinks nothing of it. A few weeks ago, my brother who is 2 years younger than me got his first full-time job, and I'm insanely jealous. Even my aspie friend has a part time supermarket job. For the last few years I had a day of primary school guitar teaching, which I dropped as the pay was awful and it was really stressful (it was a bit of a dodgy company I was working for), but the one plus was that recently I did manage to buy my own car. Now I just have a few private students and that's it.

So with this situation I was tense enough, and then I was finally pushed way over the edge on that fateful day of Friday, May 12, when I found out that I was having epileptic seizures due to a brain tumour. I was admitted to hospital for a few days until the seizures got a bit more manageable (with drugs), and there have been endless appointments since then with neurosurgeons and neurologists.

Unfortunately this happened 2 weeks before the end of my Masters degree (in instrumental music teaching), right when I had final assignments, folios due, etc. Thankfully the uni staff were very understanding and gave me all the time I needed, I am nearly there but even now I am still catching up on these assignments. I've been having these weird memory problems where I can't remember the word I want to use, or a particular name, so this has been taking much longer than it should, which has been very frustrating. I've completely lost motivation at this point and I have to force myself to write every word.

In addition every time I have a seizure I can't drive for 6 months, meaning I can't drive the car I just bought. We're nearly there in terms of getting the seizures under control, but I'm also very worried about the long term, as 95% of the music jobs are a 1 1/2+ drive away from me, (different side of the city) and driving's the only way to get there, so every time I get unlucky at some point in future and the seizures come back for some reason, my life falls apart and I sink into this severe depression all over again. I enjoy driving and I've always been proud of my driving, knowledge of the roads, etc., and now I feel silly with my Mum having to drive me around to my appointments and my students like a schoolkid.

So as you can see I'm just overwhelmed by all these bad situations (these are just the few that I decided to mention there are others too), and I'm now at the point where I'm just sick of it, I just can't be bothered anymore. I find myself futilely googling things like "I want to die", "I hate myself", "I'm so lonely", etc. I've lost the ability to have fun, I don't enjoy the things I used to. I don't care about anything anymore. Tonight my Mum was trying to comfort me and I kept crying and saying things like "I hate my life" etc., to the point where Mum actually burst out crying too and said "I'm sorry for having you".

I just don't know what to do. I'm not really expecting any miracles from this forum, this tension has been building up inside me for months now and I just need to let it out and do a rant like this. I've had a lot of people tell me to exercise but I'll never find a form of it that isn't pure torture. I don't know if AS has anything to do with this, but I've seen a multitude of psycologists and other therapists over my lifetime and I've never found them the least bit helpful, things like meditation/mindfulness just make me brood on things even more and make things worse. In my experience the only way to fix depression is to go straight to the root cause and fix my life situation, and the problem is there's nothing I can do about that this time.

My sincere thanks for reading and for any advice you may be able to offer.

talk to a psychiatrist about meds.

see if you can apply for government benefits.

see if your school offers jobs for Masters students.

get a support group.

Well getting the seizures under control will help with driving...but during the times you can't drive because of it don't beat yourself up over it, if your mom can drive you then you can still get where you need to go. I myself am 27 and have a drivers permit, I don't even have a license, last time I drove I was a teen. So I either take the bus or get rides from people.

Also with the seizure issue and aspergers you may qualify for some kind of disability assistance, but not sure how that works in Australia...but I myself am on SSI which is disability income in the U.S.

Hello, Sax Nerd. I could really relate to a lot of what you wrote.

Besides autism, I've been formally diagnosed with ADHD, pervasive depressive disorder, and anxiety.

I don't have any advice for you about the seizures, or the tumor. I wanted to wish you the best of luck with them, though. It's always uplifting when you make progress on one little thing, like the seizures improving, when so many things seem to go wrong all of the time.

I did think that the depression you described sounded something like pervasive depressive disorder, and maybe you could mention it to your doctor. Your doctor may mention exercise, but there are other things that can help with depression, even if it's just a little.

I wanted to tell you about my experience with anti-depressant/anti-psychotic type of medication to control depression, since you're so young. My advice is to research thoroughly any medication you take for depression before you take it. And really consider if the benefits will be worth the side effects, especially if they're lasting.

I had a lot of unpleasant side effects, and never felt an improvement in the depression that was worth mentioning. Tried multiple medications over five years, and finally gave them up on the doctors advice due to the damage they had done to my body.

Later on, I tried 5htp, an herbal supplement which improves serotonin levels, and that was very helpful, and I felt no side effects at all, as long as I took it at the same time every day. The "t" in 5htp stands for tryptophan, so you can't try 5htp if you're already taking a medication like tryptophan. You should also consider things like allergies, and how an herb might affect other medications before ever trying an herb. And don't start a new herbal remedy when you're in the middle of adjusting a different medication. That's something that's a big deal for you if you're trying to control seizures with medication. Read a lot about any herb you're interested in trying. And ask your doctor and herbalist or apothecary if they have advice about when would be a good time to try any new herb.

If you want to help improve depression, too, sunshine is really beneficial. Look up how much sunshine you should be receiving every day according to your skin tone and location, and adhere to it for a while, to see how you feel. Every small improvement is worth it. You can ask your doctor to check your vitamin D levels. You also may need to boost your vitamin C and B complex vitamins. Sometimes people with autism feel better with vitamin supplements.

How are you sleeping? And are you dreaming?

Sleep is one of the very most important things your body needs to recover, and repair itself. And dreaming is dependent upon a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine. Interestingly, depression is also regulated by this neurotransmitter, and researchers found an association between an increase in depression and an increase in insomnia, and a decrease in dream recall.

When I was your age, I still recalled pretty long and vivid dreams, but now I barely dream at all.

My insomnia was also pretty annoying. Sometimes not being able to fall asleep. Often waking early. And always waking multiple times during a night, due mostly to chronic muscle pain, so my sleep was always broken.

Anyway, I'll skip to the good part.

Most of the websites that talk about acetylcholine deficiency that I found online have plenty of information to give you about choline - what foods contain it, for example - but little about acetic acid. Choline is found in lots of foods, and I was already getting plenty of it. I didn't notice a difference until I tried acetic acid, which is vinegar.

I started at 1 teaspoon, and worked my way up to 3 tablespoons a night, right before bed, with a little water. I found that I slept better, felt more refreshed, and even recalled a few dreams here and there.

At that point in my life, I had been looking for herbs and home remedies that would help me with pain and depression and things for a long time. And it had been really hard to find things. I would find one herb that helped a little, and then it would be five years before I found anything else. But then after many, many years, all of the sudden I started to get hit after hit. I had multiple herbs and remedies that were helping in little ways.

But I hate "taking" things. So I started to try to figure out what was similar to all of these things that were giving me relief. And it turned out that they all had something to do with short chain fatty acid production, which normally takes place in the digestive tract. So I suspected a digestive disorder.

Around the same time I saw a geneticist who said I should try a gluten free diet, which I did, and it seemed to help a bit, but not quite entirely. So I started to really study digestion. My focus ended up being on how the immune system works, and gut microbes.

I think that you would benefit from studying the immune system, and gut microbes.

I learned, for example, that the pancreas does two jobs. It regulates blood sugar levels, OR it supports the immune system using vitamin C. But it can't do both very well. IF you eat more sugar than the human body evolved to digest, then your pancreas will be overwhelmed in trying to regulate the sugar, and can not really help out the immune system very well. So increasing your vitamin C, and eliminating some sugars from your diet for a while is very beneficial to your body for that reason. If you have a tumor, then now is as good a time as any to think about ways to support your immune system. Try to learn about the pancreas, and the citric acid cycle.

I know I'm dishing out a lot of homework at you, but I have more! You'll notice in the above paragraph I said it's beneficial to eliminate sugar from your diet 'for a while'. I didn't eliminate all sugar, forever, and there's a reason. When I cut them out, it wasn't just the pancreas and the immune system I was thinking of. I was thinking of the gut microbiota.

In short, what I learned, simplified, was that there are two basic groups of microbes - good ones and bad ones. The bad ones love certain kinds of sugar. Like refined sugar. And corn syrup. And fruit. And grains. Those sugars are easy to digest, and that helps the bad microbes reproduce pretty quickly. It's so important to them that they've actually worked out ways to send out chemical signals that make us crave sugars and grains and things. The problem is that they overpopulate the whole gut, and the good bacteria have no elbow room. And the good bacteria are the ones that help manufacture short chain fatty acids out of the food we eat. So if there are fewer of them, then you get more depression, fewer dreams, chronic pain, anxiety . . . on and on and on. You need these fatty acids to regulate all kinds normal body functions. And so if I wanted to improve my short chain fatty acid production, I was going to have to think about giving up sugar, grains, and fruit. And I was pretty sure I would starve straight to death.

Luckily, it turns out the bad bacteria can only live for about three days without those sugars. So I figured I could make it longer than a microbe. I also learned that doing this can make you feel sick, because of the massive die off of cells in your digestive tract, so I got ginger tea, and drank a lot of water, ate a bunch of fresh parsley to help with the waste removal, ate raw carrots to support my thyroid and immune system, supplemented with a multivitamin, b complex, and vitamin C, and just dealt with the misery for as long as I could hold out, which turned out to be 5 days. After that I started to get a little light headed, so I allowed myself sugar in my coffee, and fruit.

I still don't eat gluten, or any grains at all, other than occasionally rice pasta. For starches, I stick with potatoes, and chick peas, tapioca. I miss bread, but there is one brand that fits my dietary restrictions I found around here, so every once in a while I get it so I don't feel deprived, even though it's expensive.

I don't take any of the supplements I used to take. My pain is about a 3, instead of a 6. My sleep is much better. I don't have insomnia, anymore. My depression lingers, but I would say that it lingers at the level it was at when I was taking 5htp, which is a slight improvement. I still don't recall my dreams very often at all.

So it's a mixed thing, but there is a good deal of improvement without "taking" anything at all.

And I thought I could say that if you are depressed, have a tumor, and find exercise to be excruciating, then suspect sugars and grains and gluten. If you've ever, even once, used antibiotics, your gut microbiome may be off kilter. If you've eaten more sugar that your ancestors would have, you can also suspect digestive troubles. If you have symptoms of insomnia, that's another sign some of your troubles could have to do with digestion. And also I've read that being on the autism spectrum can predispose people to digestive sensitivities to begin with.

But having said all of that, I also need to say that my depression I think is like yours. It won't lift until something is done to remedy the actual problems. So I think that you should make a list of the top five or ten problems you're facing, and see if you can think up solutions that would help, even a little. If you wanted to, you could post the list here, and ask people for any simple solutions.

Like, you mentioned that you bought a new car, can't drive it because of seizures, which made you fall behind at university, feel funny about having your mom drive you around, can't get to the best music jobs and so can't earn enough money, and you're proud of your driving abilities. I wonder if this is a problem that you couldn't find a solution to? Like maybe in your area there's another musician who needs to get to the other side of town, but doesn't have a car. And if you posted an ad for a driver, explaining that you would be going to work, or university, and they would get to do whatever they needed to do when they got there too, you might find someone with no car who would just be grateful for the ride. Or how about teaching people with permits to drive, in exchange for the ride? They need the practice, and you get to share your good driving skills with a new driver. Even if you couldn't work out a deal for free, if you were able to get to work, maybe you could charge just a few dollars more, and hire a driver. It would be worth it if you could get to work and earn money.

I know how it feels to be lonely, jealous and depressed about it. Don't give up on the girlfriend thing just yet! You are very young, and a guy, and I think it's still true for guys in this day and age that there's not so much of a rush for them, and they season with age. You already have some traits that girls look for, I think. You're educated, and willing to have fun, and sensitive, and have a good work ethic, and even though it sounds funny, don't discount being a good driver! I always appreciate a ride from a good driver!

So don't give up looking. Maybe just look in places where you can find girls who would be attracted to your qualities and traits? There are plenty of girls who appreciate a devotion to family as a desirable trait, for example, and would never hold it against you for staying at home watching star trek and playing board games with your family. Where can you find girls like that? Go there, and strike up a conversation with various girls until you find one who you like, and she likes you back.

If you don't give up, then you're working on the actual problem, and that's what you said you thought would help with the depression. So trust your instincts. Trying is your medicine for depression. Keep trying!

SaxNerd, it seems like you will just need to accept the "sick role" for the time being, and not struggle so hard against where you find yourself. Given the brain tumor and seizures, it's no surprise you are not moving ahead in life very rapidly. But it isn't necessarily going to be like that forever, and if you blame yourself, that's just making a bad situation worse.

Are you getting any meds for depression? Do your medical people even realize you have depression? You should tell them, for sure.

Try not to compare yourself to others, even to your own brother. Each person comes with individual bonuses and challenges.

I hope you can achieve a calmness and find some little pleasures in your life. For instance, I joined a facebook group called Cloud Appreciation Network, where people post photos of clouds, sunsets, and other sky phenomena. Both learning more about clouds and more about my camera have been a source of pleasure for me. And looking at clouds is free and requires no transportation!

Good luck to you.

Thanks so much for all the advice and encouragement everyone, it is highly appreciated, it is so nice to hear advice that comes 'from the heart' instead of just the same old generic speeches you get from counsellors and the like. It's also just nice to know people are thinking of me.

I will attempt to address everything that's been mentioned in one hit if I can:

I should probably give a little more information on this tumour before anyone panics. I've had some MRIs done, and will be having more every 6 months probably for the rest of my life. From those, they can't tell exactly what it is, but they're pretty sure it's nothing dangerous like cancer, and that it's not growing. The theory is that I was probably born with it and it's just been growing as I have. There are also two other little 'spots', but they're so small they're not actually affecting anything. Unfortunately, it's in a really tricky spot in the brain, between the brainstem and the left temporal lobe. It's also touching the optic nerve, and has several arteries surrounding it. This means that they can't operate on it unless it would be dangerous not to, they can't even do a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. So all we can do is simply leave it in there and do the best we can to treat the seizures with medication.

Epilepsy medicines can be very temperamental in terms of things like side-affects. I've been very lucky with this so far, but I have to be very careful what I combine them with. Before we caught on to these seizures, I was taking a few supplements including Vitamin D, Valerian and Fish Oil, but when they started putting me on epilepsy tablets they said that because we'd be mucking around with them for a while to find the right ones, right dosage, etc., just to be safe I should stop all those. Maybe when we find a good balance of medicinces that's stable for a while I might try slowly introducing them again, but that's a long way off. I'm not even allowed to take headache tablets like paracetamol or ibuprofen.

I'm assuming this would also make it very tricky to find an anti-depressant that would be safe. Besides, I'm not too keen on those anyway, I've been on them before (2011-2012, Luvox and Efexor), and there weren't any notable positive effects. When the next bout of depression hit in 2014, I decided not to bother with them again.

As far as applying for income support, in Australia that is called Centrelink. I've been on it before when I was doing my undergrad, but I'm not eligible anymore because my parents earn too much. Now the epilepsy combined with AS and depression (though I'd need to get an official diagnosis for depression again...) may indeed change that, but Centrelink is infamous for being stressful and difficult to deal with, regardless of how legitimate your needs are. The centres and phone lines are purposely understaffed, and most of them are not exactly nice people, this is done on purpose to try and convince people to 'stop being lazy' and get a job. When you're on Centrelink payments, once you're out of uni you have attend a certain number of job interviews per week, you have to go to all these job training sessions which are just common sense anyway, etc., and with the state I'm in at the moment, there's no way I'd be able to cope with all this.

I suspect this might be an aspie thing, but I've always hated the sun, in summer I feel my skin burning the second I step outside, so I won't go outside unless my arms and legs are fully covered, the beach is my idea of hell. People jokingly call me a Vampire, because I'm very white and pale, and I have very pointy fangs. Admittedly this was a couple of years ago now, but last time I had a blood test my vitamin D levels were perfect, and we were shocked, we couldn't explain it. As I said above, I was on vitamin D supplements before these seizures started happening.

I'm pretty confident I get enough vitamin B & C. I'm reasonably confident about my diet in general, it's definitely better than a lot of people I see; I don't eat fast food or junk food like chips and other highly processed food. I'm pretty sure I don't get too much artificial sugar, I don't put it in tea and coffee for example, I do eat a fair bit of fruit though. I think I'm doing ok, I'm 65-70kg, I have a bit of a belly but I'm still pretty skinny in general considering I don't exercise, my clothes are all small-sized, if that means anything. I've always known though, that my Achilles heel on this front is that I have too much grain/gluten. I grew up having toast for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. I'm trying to just keep the bread to one meal instead of two now, but I'll never be able to eliminate it entirely, I'd end up just not eating at all otherwise, I'm a very fussy eater. I do a fair bit of cooking as a hobby (although I haven't been doing as much lately), and pretty much every meal I make has rice/pasta/noodles, I can't even think of any meals that don't include any of those? I will try to take on board what you've said though, and I'll do some research and do my best.

You've hit the goldmine with the sleeping issue. I've had severe sleeping problems for my whole life, Mum reckons even as a baby it was obvious I had sleeping issues, they could never get me to go to sleep, and then during the day I'd fall asleep at the most random times, like right in the middle of feeding. As a general rule I am always tired and sleepy; in high-school and uni I'd fall asleep in class at least once a day. It's gotten a lot better not that I'm not on a full time schedule anymore and I can just sleep whenever it's natural, lately I've been sleeping from around 2-3am to 10-11am. The more days in a row I have to get up at a 'normal' time, say 7 or earlier, the worse a condition I end up in, and the more likely I'll end up falling asleep the minute I get home, say 6 or 7pm, screwing up my sleep schedule even further. No I don't dream, I probably have one every 3 months or so. I'm generally ok once I get to sleep, I just can't get to sleep in the first place, when I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, I'll simply lie there awake for hours and nothing will happen, I have memories of this night after night when I was a kid. Believe me when I say at some point in my life we've tried everything to try and fix this situation. For the last few years I've been seeing a sleep specialist at the hospital; he put me on Lyrica for restless legs, which has worked reasonably well. The epilepsy drugs I'm on are supposed to help put me to sleep too. So the situation now is that I'm fine as long as I don't have a long stretch of too many consecutive days when I have to wake up early.

Even before the seizures started I had a list of things I wanted to try and do once uni was out of the way. One of them was to get a job, not necessarily music-related, just something nice and boring and non-stressful, maybe a nightshift stacking shelves at the supermarket, that would also be a good way to force me to get some exercise. At least that way I can feel like I'm doing something. I've been looking up local Autism support services and I think there might be a program to help me make this a reality. The social problem, however, is where I'm still completely stuck. I don't think the problem is that I'm not in enough social situations, because I've been in uni and played in community bands, in the pit for musicals, but I just don't have the skills to get to the point where I'm making real friends, as opposed to just annoying people

Again, thanks for your encouragement everyone, you've offered some ideas that I hadn't thought of before, and given me much to think about.

Oh, I get what you mean about having been in social situations plenty, but not ever making friends. I'm not at all good at social situations. The whole thing seems to be beyond me! It used to really bother me, but now I'm starting to try to think differently about it.

To sum it up, it goes something like this: Some people really like watching "boxing". They're crazy about it, and it makes them happy to do that. But I don't really like it, so I don't watch it, and I never really feel bad about that. There's no reason to feel bad. The people who like boxing can watch it, and that's okay by me. And the same thing is true for "friends". Some people like making friends, and they're good at it, and they enjoy it. But I never enjoyed it, or got good at it. So I'm not bothering to try to make "friends". And I don't feel bad about it.

That's the important part, is realizing that I didn't have to feel bad about it.

But I'm old, and I tried a lot! Got tired of it. You're young, and I think you seem all right. I think there's a good chance you could still improve your social life. You also seem like you lay all the blame for your scant social life on yourself. But here's something I found that shows that people are biased when considering which friends to choose against people with autism, because of audiovisual cues.

https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700

So maybe who you should be judging is the other people!

And I think that what BeaArthur said deserves to be said again. "Try not to compare yourself to others". That struck home with me because I was always behind everyone else growing up, and I was really bothered by that. And also you could turn it around. And how about comparing others to you, for a change? For example - pick a person around your age who you think is more successful right now than you. And then ask yourself would they have achieved so much if they had your most prescient issues to juggle? Probably not. Anyone at all with seizures would have to stop driving for a while, and it might interfere with their job.

I'm sorry I don't have more positive ideas towards making friends. I'm just not good at it! But I know there's websites out there with information about improving social skills. I bet there's a lot of good advice that I don't know!

Take care!

Comparing myself with others is something I've always struggled with, I think it's something I've always done naturally, I can't really help it. Like I said before, it's getting dangerous to spend too much time on Facebook now because I get jealous when I see what everyone else has been up to.

There was actually one period in the first few years of high school when (in my eyes), I actually compared favourably to my peers, I was lucky enough to be blessed with a strong aspie memory, and I used to get academic awards despite that I was always skipping classes for a music lesson, a gig with a school band, or some other commitment like the enviro-club, the debating team, etc. With all of these commitments I also had a very active social life for an aspie, there still weren't too many people I'd call 'friends', but it was enough for me; the one friend I still have today, I met in a guitar lesson. I was extremely busy (there was no such thing as lunchtime and school was essentially 8-5), and in retrospect I can't imagine how I would have handled all that, but I think it was because I had so much to look forward to. This was the happiest time in my life, and sometimes I wish Year 10 could've gone on forever.

I just always have this mental picture of where I'd like to be, or where I think I should be, and I think the happiest time in my life was when I was actually there. I think what makes depression hard is when I can remember being happy like that, but I'm so far away from that now and I can't imagine myself ever finding that place again; I can remember when I was 'better' than average, but now I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I think I'm not just comparing myself to others, but comparing myself to previous versions of myself, if that makes sense. I have a whole imaginary 'perfect world' that I retreat to, I know every detail. It's evolved as I've grown up, but I've had it since I was about 8-9, and again I find I'm happier when my real life is actually pretty close, and depressed when it's nowhere near it, like it is at the moment.

I'm trying to just accept that I've just gotten unlucky with this tumour, it's not my fault, and that along with the AS means it's not my fault if my life's not progressing as well as I'd hoped, but simply telling myself it's not my fault doesn't make me any less sad or frustrated, it doesn't change the fact that there's no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to, no desire to get up each morning.

Please get some counseling/talk therapy. The content of your thoughts, while familiar to any depressive, is actually making you worse. That part of your situation, at least, you can overcome.

Remember how I talked about clouds and photography? Another thing I like to do is the daily crossword in my local paper. It's SOMETHING to look forward to, okay? A good exercise for you is to find something to be grateful every day. Whether it's clean sheets on your bed, or a roof over your head, there are things to be grateful for, and you need to learn to look for them.

Be well, friend.

Allow yourself to be sick, SaxNerd.

Imagine you did have a friend. A really good friend. Someone who you knew was intelligent, hard working, and creative. Your friend isn't perfect, and has struggled to overcome a lot of hurdles in life, so you know that person has a lot of gumption. Now imagine that he or she got sick. Would you tell your friend that there's no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to, and it's too bad that they won't have any desire to wake up in the morning, since their life now doesn't represent their previous ideals and goals?

You seem nice enough, so I'm going to guess that you wouldn't even consider doing that.

I think the vast majority of us have a tendency to be more critical of ourselves than we would be of a friend. Ease up on yourself, and judge yourself the way you would judge your friend.

Ideals and goals are probably usually better, if the course in which you pursue them is elastic, and you've accepted the reality that sometimes the best made plans don't come to fruition. There's nothing wrong with readjusting course if something momentarily gets in your way.

I understand all too well how easy it is to sit and think about when times were happy, and just feel worse because things are not happy now, or happy all of the time. I'm not saying that there's no chance of being happy all of the time, but I think you'd have to be very, very lucky to be happy all of the time, even if you did everything absolutely right in your life. People get sick, cars get into wrecks, bad things happen that are out of our control. Because the universe is subject to entropy, this will probably always be true.

I think what I wanted to say is that the good moments wouldn't be so good if you didn't have something to compare them to, and you can find meaning in the bad moments by trying to really appreciate the good moments when they happen.

Here's a site about social skills. Maybe you can study that while you heal:

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/social-skills.html

Here is a link to show you a pasta I like. I didn't know if you could get it where you live. I'm not saying you should buy it from this person! Or at all! I'm just saying I've tried it, and it's good. This company also has lentil pasta and black bean. I can't try lentil, because it gives me headaches, and black beans upset my tummy, but the chick pea pasta seems like regular pasta.

https://www.amazon.com/Lensi-100-Chickp ... B06XV8X6RZ

Keep working on your sleep schedule, and eating right. That's a step in the right direction.

I do agree that your thinking seems to be focused on the negatives. On the other hand, I don't know how you think when you're not engaged in a discussion that's focused solely on your depression! But if you think rumination is a problem for you, this article might be of interest:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/th ... e-thinking

I know you probably can't go climb a tree, but maybe think of something that you could do, like juggling, balancing a book on your head, or some other new physical activity to learn that's physically easy, and see if that helps switch the thinking pattern. I wondered if this might be good for you, because you said you were happiest when you were busy and learning. Now you're not busy, and not learning, and depressed. Maybe you can trick your brain into feeling a little bit better, just by challenging yourself to learn new tasks.

Every little bit helps.

And yes, there's all kinds of counselling available online or in real life, I'm sure you already know! Don't forget about that. If you've got a crisis hotline number in your area, write it down and keep it with you in case you need it, too.

It probably won't take forever to adjust that medication, and then you'll be right back on track.

Take it easy.

I think you're extremely lucky.
Do you realise how extroadinarily blessed you are?
No, I don't think you do.
Stop thinking, start doing.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I've made an appointment with a GP, who I'm hoping will be able to find a suitable psychologist for me. I'm not sure whether going back on antidepressants is a good idea, and even if we do decide to do through with it, finding one that's compatible with the epilepsy pills is going to be a nightmare, I'm not even allowed to take headache tablets... but I will ask her opinion on the subject. The appointment was supposed to be today, but ironically, the doctor was sick and had to take the day off, so we're going to try again on Thursday.

What anti-seizure medication are you on?

Tegretol and Topamax at the moment.

This may sound weird, but if you haven't already, I would highly recommend adopting an anti-inflammatory diet.
Cut out all grains, legumes, sugars and processed foods.
Eat plenty of organic vegetables, non-sugary fruits like avocado, fermented foods, some organic meat and fish, bone broth, nuts, seeds, coconut and olive oil. (Research full list)
Purchase some good quality probiotics.
Get regular exercise and sunshine.
Source some good quality CBD oil.
Avoid the antidepressants.
You can get a pain relief preparation from a good naturopath containing things like turmeric, chilli, ginger and boswellia.

Your life isn't over.
It's just changing gears.
I've been through this.
Have much less function and prospects than you.
But you can still be happy.
And you will learn to branch out into new areas in time, when you are ready.
I think the hardest thing is the processing of it all.
Took me a long time.
Good luck.