I feel like s**t

Post Reply New Topic

I'm just trying to process all of this as I can't really see how anyone can really help.

Its just that I've came to the realisation that I'm not to blame for what has happened to me and I just feel that this realisation has come far too late in my life.

I've been abused in my life, both as a child and an adult.

I did try and get away from it all when I was a child and I went into care but no one really investigated what was going on and I always felt as if it was me to blame.

As an adult I went on to have one longterm relationship with an abusive partner. I didn't even realise I was being abused and took all the blame for it as he doled it all out.

I'm left with dead eyes now. I can't trust anyone not to hurt me and I know I'll never be able to forge any kind of meaningful relationships with anyone unless its via the medium of the internet.

I have regrets, there are things I could have done to stop all of this happening. Hindsight is killing me off right now, it ceases to me a wonderful thing.

I feel like "they" have won.

Sorry you’ve. Been hurt
Hugs

Do you know that there are still many years ahead of you and that there are unthought of joys and adventures awaiting?

What hasn't worked for you, the ways people abused you, make note, and try something new. Keep moving. Hakuna matata what a wonderful phrase hakuna matata ain't no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days, its our problem free philosophy, hakunana matata.

I'm so sorry, that sounds like it's been really tough.

I don't know if this will help any, but I personally interpret your perspective as someone strong who's survived some really horrible things in their life. What's important is that you realized that what happened to you was not in any way your fault. "They" haven't won because you've gotten away from all of that and because you realized that you were not the problem.

I know this may sound generic, but a really good therapist helps a LOT with situations like yours. I, too, went through a time where I felt like I couldn't have any type of meaningful relationships and even cut myself off from my friends and family. What I've learned from my therapy has saved me.

You have had successes, too----despite what you've gone through.

Hey bb, I'm going through a rough patch myself but I'm here if you wanna talk.

Sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment Babybird.

well i certainly can not help you but i will comment anyway. i am not sure if my post will be removed because i have limited idea of boundaries of appropriateness.



well i am not sure whether you mean sexual abuse or physical abuse (like cruelty and beatings etc), but one thing i never had in my personality is the capacity for "guilt"

i do not feel i am to blame for anything, ever.

that may not be a virtuous aspect to my character, but it is very protective.
when i was a kid of 12, there was an old man cleaner at my institution who was a pedophile. he paid young boys so they would take their pants down and let him feel their bodies while he flogged himself.

he paid $20 to each kid, and he had many "customers", including me.

so i know i have had creepy old hands lustfully rubbing my body while he masturbated, yet i do not feel anything about that. i could not care that that happened.

but i have never been forcefully trapped and entered by a violent predator, so i can not imagine the frightfulness of that experience.

but if it happened ever, i know for sure i would not think i was to blame in any way because i would know i did not ask for it.

and even if i did ask for it, i would still not be affected by it all, because i would feel no residual physical effect, and that's all that matters.

it's good to be unable to feel "guilt" or "shame"
they are useless emotions i never felt.





well i currently have emphysema and am at the point of struggling to breathe, and i know i am to logically "blame" for my current condition.
but i could also bemoan the fact that i had a genetic pre-disposition for emphysema which means i was caught when other people get away with smoking much longer and more often than i ever did.

but both those considerations are moot, because what is happening now is the clear and present suffering, and i just have to "cop" it.

whatever. life sometimes ends early under less than desirable circumstances.

but i do hope you can somehow return to an emotional equilibrium.

Thanks everyone.

I'm ok now.x

Love ya man!

because i have emphysema? wow.

maybe you are the sole example of a condition which i will have to coin "emphysmaphilia".

anyway it never matters who is to "blame" because it can not change the current state of affairs.

^^ No, hahaha....

Heya BB, this is normal, a very normal experience for adults who experienced abuse in childhood.

I woke up one day and realised something similar.
Prior to the relationship I was completely aware of the statistics and reasons why I would be attracted to the familiar; even though I knew the familiar wasn't healthy I couldn't see it in my ex.

It took years for me to realise that I had chosen to be with someone who was different in many ways, but really just more of the same, it can't be helped without professional support.

For now, know that this feeling will pass, like anything else does, read up about it, get some talk therapy and start to be truly kind to yourself, just cuz life has programmed you to be a certain way, it doesn't mean that you are that person

I know how ya feel. I've felt like crap my whole life thanks to my parents that think I was an idiot my whole life. My father would mentally abuse me when I hit 14, and would tell me I was worthless for the next 20 years. My mother wasn't much better, either. I lost count the number of times I thought about suicide over the years, it's not easy to live with. You can always come PM one of us if you ever need to talk. I'm a good listener, and I don't judge people unless they deserve it.