Wish I could just die

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Haven't been here for a while, but I'm back and guess what... I'm suicidal again.

Actually I'm always suicidal as I suffer with chronic suicidal ideation, often to the point of obsession. But I'm currently going through an acute phase where the ideation is turning to action.

I recently spent some time in the High Dependency Unit due to heart issues after I took an overdose - a friend I was chatting online with guessed what I had done because I wasn't making much sense, and she guilted me into going to the hospital by telling me she'd be devastated if I died.

I now feel resentful towards my friend for keeping me here. I honestly don't want to hurt anyone and it would be so much easier to end my life if there weren't people that care about me. I wish I would have a cardiac arrest in my sleep or be diagnosed with something terminal so that I wouldn't have to kill myself. I know the people that care would still hurt because I died, but not in the same way they would if I succeed in suicide.

I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and she told me she thinks that one day I will succeed in killing myself if I keep going the way I am. I wish I hadn't gone to the hospital this time and I wish I had died. That it was all over. I just don't want to live anymore. Life is pointless and painful.

I know some of you will say I should be grateful to have people that care about me, and believe me I know I'm "lucky" to have that - but it doesn't make me feel like life is worth living. If anything, it makes things worse because it makes me feel guilty about feeling this way.

I'm sorry you're in pain & I wish I had the answer.

Is there a particular thing that is making you want to die? Such as something stressful or a lack of something? Or is it irrational just a feeling because the latter may just be a matter of medication.

My therapist had some words for me after a hospitalization years ago when I tried to kill myself.

Death comes for everybody. Life is short. And there are many pleasures to be had that would forever be denied by dying.

Call 1-800-273-TALK. And get connected with some help. You reached out here. And it is possible to not feel that horrible without having to die. Many have been where you are, and with help, they entered a better state of mind. You do not have to do this alone.

Sorry it's taken me so long to come back. Thanks for the responses.

There isn't a particular trigger to me wanting to die (this time). Just don't feel my life is ever going to get better. Over the last few years I have lost my husband (divorced), my forever home and my job all due to my mental health. I have had 4 years of weekly psychotherapy (ended in August), and tried numerous different medications. I've tried doing things I used to enjoy and tried new things I think I might enjoy - but I never enjoy anything. I've tried thinking more positively but everything just crashes down again because that thinking isn't real. Every day is miserable and painful to live through.

I do agree that death comes for everybody. But I disagree about life being short - to me every day feels interminably long. I've had some contact with The Samaritans (I'm in the UK) but I haven't found it very helpful. I see my psychiatrist every couple of weeks. I have support workers twice a week from the local autistic society. So I'm not going through this alone but it seems like nothing helps.

I am just so tired of life that death seems a better option.

Well maybe you just werent meant to be happy. Maybe you need to live for other people and not just yourself. Try staying alive for those that care about you.

I said in the first post that I don't want to hurt the people that care about me. That is essentially why I'm still alive (well, that and a bit of "luck"). I've no doubt that I would be dead by now if it wasn't for them. However, the professionals involved in my care all say that I need to want to live for me - not for others - as that is what will ultimately stop me feeling suicidal. I just can't seem to find that no matter what I try, and haven't been able to for as long as I can remember. There are times when I think things are looking up - like when I bought my flat last year - and I try to be positive about that, but it rarely lasts for long.

Professionals arent always right. I think you're just one of those people that arent meant to be happy. I think you need to live for other people.

Thanks. Misery and continuing suicidality it is then.

Hold on and please dont consider suicide. Someone else might have some better advice for you here.

Little things can make people happy.

I eat a few teaspoons of raw organic honey a day. It is a super health food but also a sweet treat. It helps kill bad bacteria and promote the good ones in the gut and I have read how some scientists believe autism is linked to the gut and immune system. So I am hoping keeping on having it will alleviate the worst symptoms of my Aspergers. When I have it I do seem more laid back and less obsessive and sensitive. I also feel loads better on days I only eat organic ingredients. There are so many pesticides on non-organic food and these pesticides kill bees so I can't see how they could do us any good either! Another thing about raw honey is it contains enzymes that help us to digest foods we eat.

I have read an account from one woman who suffered anxiety and depression online who ate raw honey every day for a month and she said it was like the best medication she could have imagined.

Maybe trying that would help your mood. I really hope you feel better soon.

I know how you feel. *hugs*

At least whenever those thoughts cross my mind, I always end up with a permission error, “Sorry, but the required person has not indicated they wish you to die.” So much for living for myself.

I feel the same way, I wish I would just die from something completely outside my control, also because the people who care about me would hurt less if it wasn't my own doing, and would probably feel less guilt, too - no wondering if they could have stopped me if they'd realized what I was going to do, said the right thing, etc. Big dragon hugs for you