I don't feel ready to be an adult.

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In my 6th hour at school today, the college adviser came in and showed us a slideshow about paying for college. She talked about the things you'd expect; loans, grants, scholarships, choosing colleges, etc. I tried to absorb as much as I could since I knew it was important, but it was hard because I was tearing up the whole time. Thankfully, nobody noticed.

I have a tendency to start crying when adults talk about college at length. It always overwhelms me. There are so many things you have to do, send in, register for, pay for, keep track of, etc., and I don't know if I can handle all of it. About a month or so ago, I went to a nearby university with my mom to get my senior pictures done. While we were waiting for the photographer to show up, I asked my mom some college-related questions, such as when classes are supposed to be paid for, and some other stuff. While she was explaining something, I started to cry, and she raised her voice and told me about how I can't make the same mistakes my older brother did; from what I understand, he didn't send in a contract or something, and ended up not completing college until years later. He had to live with us for a long time, and only just got a full-time teaching job and moved away recently (he's in his early 30's).

So I'm obviously expected to tackle everything being thrown at me, but I sure don't feel like I can do so. It's the sort of thing I've never had to do before. Where do I keep my money besides my wallet? In a tin container behind my alarm clock. On my birthday and Christmas, money is gifted to me, and I put it in the container. I keep $20 or so with me. It's been that simple for my entire life. I have a bank account with about $1,000 or so in savings, but I almost never touch it. But now I either have to take out loans and plunge myself into debt later, or get a job and desperately try to appear competent so I can pay for my credits as I go. Both sound horrible.

On a job, I would obviously need to do everything like clockwork, but I've never been able to do that super well. I tend to do things slower than others, and I'm too squeamish to clean a lot of things (I can be a bit of a clean freak). I wouldn't be shocked if I ever got fired from a minimum-wage job. But if I took out loans instead, than I would have a massive debt later on that, because of my likely incompetence at working, I might not be able to pay off. So I'd have a bunch of business people demanding things from me that I don't have; which actually isn't too far-off from what's happening now.

And besides all that money stuff, there's so many things I have too do BEFORE college that are intimidating, too. I have to fill out an application letter (and I still haven't 100% figured out which college I'm going to, either), an application for financial aid, do some scholarship hunting, etc. I'm a senior in high school, but I'm doing a duel-enrollment program that lets me go to a community college for a year and still technically be a high school student at the same time. In other words, I don't have to do all that stuff for at least another year, but I dread it.

I feel like I'm too emotional to be a mature adult. I obviously get pushed to tears easily. I can be enraged with little effort. I crave happiness and entertainment more than a person probably should. I constantly fantasize about escaping to a haven where I don't have to worry about money or working, and I can just be happy forever. Whenever I feel overworked, I feel depressed and wonder why I have to go through it. These all describe a little kid; someone in elementary school or early middle school. But I'm 17. I'm supposed to handle responsibilities like what I've described. But I just fear responsibility instead. Sometimes scenarios play out in my head where I'm an unemployed adult, and I slowly lose everything I care about. Then people come and take me to jail because I couldn't pay the things I had to pay, and they won't let me kill myself. So instead I just spend whatever amount of time in a cell, regretting all my mistakes and hating myself, and wishing everyday that someone or something would come and rescue me, even though I know for a fact that that won't happen. Then I get released and finally get an opportunity to end it all, because I know there's no coming back. Nobody would want to associate with someone who did time.

Let me be clear: I'm not suicidal. I still have at least a little bit of hope. I'm just afraid that I might become suicidal eventually. Please don't give me any links to suicide hotlines; I assure you I don't need them.

About what I said earlier about people demanding things from me: Everyone is expecting me to succeed. My parents, my teachers, my siblings, etc. They expect me to succeed because they think I'm smart. But oftentimes I don't feel very smart. My girlfriend-to-be (we plan to date when she's older; her dad wants her to wait until college) told me that it's all over the minute I think I can't do it. Of all the people I don't want to disappoint, she's the last I want to let down, so I try to keep her advice in mind. But it's hard to believe that I can do it when everything's stacked against me like this.

If you took time out of your day to read all that, then you have my sincerest thanks. I'm sorry if things were written in a weird order. It's difficult for me to put feelings like this into words.

If you had it worse than me and think I'm a baby, I understand. I know that the world was a lot less kind toward the neurodiverse before I was born.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to watch funny YouTube videos for multiple hours.

Hi coalminer,

Firstly, what's your favorite subject in school? What are your strengths?

Then you can look at your options:

1) A local college or university where you could live with your parents and commute.
2) A state-run school with lower tuition than a private college ... again, local and commuting is better for keeping costs down.
3) A community college.
4) Learning a trade instead.
5) Depending on what your talents and skills are, maybe you have even more options to explore.
6) A scholarship or grant ... maybe you're eligible?

And yes, whatever you do, you will at some point need to come out of your comfort zone.
That's a fact of life, whether you're autistic or not.
It's a common fear that all humans face ... some are just better at covering it up.

I cannot offer as much advice as the_phoenix but I can empathise. At your age I felt so overwhelmed by college I did not go. However, this hurt my prospects later in life.

I realise the problems of college may seem insurmountable, however I implore you to go. You have many questions and you will surely have more so ask. Ask people on WP, ask your teachers, ask your family, ask distant relatives, ask a lot of people.

Obtain as much information as you can and you will soon find that graduating from college and embarking on a career is not impossible for you. It will be challenging but solving problems you once thought unsolvable is the most satisfying thing you can experience. Don't shirk from challenge, relish it.

You will become an adult. Not the moment you turn 18, no one becomes an adult overnight. You will become an adult over the ensuing years and decades. You will become an adult not by the passage of time but through your efforts in overcoming all the challenges that lie ahead.

I had similiar feelings when I had to decide what school to go to and what profession to pursue. Everyone else in my class was always eager to hear about the school options and the like, but I, class's "nerd" was not. I thought it was too soon, that I wouldn't be able to handle such responsibility yet... but I had to make a choice, so I did. Still not sure if it was the right one or not.

When I started the school, I was terrified of all the new responsibilities and things I had to learn, but while I did have my struggles, some worse than the others, I did make it. The same was repeated after I graduated and had to move out of my parents' house. Again, I was terrified, but I made it.

What I'm trying to say is that the fear might be far greater than the challenge itself. At least that has been the case most of the time in my life, not that it's necessarily so in your case. Just try to find out about things and organize them the best you can and see where it goes. Do your best, for if you don't then you'll definitely regret it later, but don't try to push yourself too much and demand perfection from yourself.

If only I'd known that sooner, I might have lived more. I was absolutely terrified on university. It wasn't that bad, was it?

It's usually much better than high school.

It was for me, and for many people I've known.

kraftiekortie,

When people say college is better than high school, aren't they usually talking about the social aspects? I'm not concerned about that.

And I've actually been enjoying these past couple years of high school. Obviously there's been stress here and there, but as a whole it's been pretty easygoing. Since I don't interact with my classmates much, I've gone through significantly less drama than others seem to.

Part of the reason I'm anxious about college is because I've got such a great thing going right now, and I don't want things to go bad.

But thank you all for your advice.

I'm glad you're enjoying the last two years of high school. It seems as if you've gotten a little respect because you've "stuck to your guns," so to speak. A similar thing happened during my senior year in high school.

Yes. I'm talking about the "social aspects." It should be noted that people in college are more tolerant of people who "just want to be left alone." If you are taking courses you enjoy, it will be that much better. I found college courses much more interesting than high school courses----and the instructors usually treat you with more respect because they expect adult behavior.

I sense that you will do fine in college.

I hated being a kid. I couldn't wait to be an adult.

It doesn't mean I was mature. I wasn't---quite immature, in fact.

But things got much better for me when I got out in the adult world.

In the kid world, I was a doormat.