Difficulty letting go

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Where to start...

My grandfather died last summer. I was sort of ready because he was in hospital before that for about a month. I was having my finals at university at that time, so I didn't see him very often. Now I'm even further away from my hometown, and it's strange to think about the fact that he's not there anymore.

My girlfriend left me about 9 months ago. It seemed to me like a petty argument, but she said I hurt her feelings. No matter how much I apologised, I just couldn't have her back. I accepted her decision, but it's still hard to grasp the idea of her not being with me anymore. She never talked to me again, so I guess one could say that we're dead to each other. It's just that I considered her part of my family, and there's absolutely no way to replace her with anyone else. She was special.

About two weeks after all that, I got a call from my mom that our family pet rabbit had died. I'd thought I would play with her when I go on my next holiday, but it just couldn't happen anymore. I and my mom were her favourite human beings. She always jumped happily to the edge of her cage when one of us was around, and I find it impossible to believe that it's not happening anymore.

I thought time healed every wound, but after all this time, I still can't believe all this happened. I feel like I live in a dreamworld. My soul is full of holes that nothing can fill. I do my best to live a healthy life; I have a job, a car, I pay rent, I play games on my PC in my free time, I enjoy little things in life, but I still have moments when I think about my losses, and I can't seem to deal with them. All I've lost will never come back into my life, and I can't cope with this thought. I know I'll never have a grandpa again, but I also don't want another girlfriend, or another pet rabbit, because no one and nothing can replace the ones I lost. It's a pain that seems not to heal, but to stay with me forever - I'm only getting used to it with time.

I sort of want this pain, because it reminds me of all I loved and lost, but I sort of don't want it, because it keeps me from moving on with my life. Any insight would be appreciated. I just don't know what to do.

My latest loss was our old cat last week, my youngest of three brothers died three years ago and our mother had died a few years before that...but my greatest loss was when my first wife divorced me in the late '70s. Overall, nothing in life seems guaranteed to be permanent like I had once unwittingly assumed or whatever, and today I believe we go to our graves without ever escaping the challenge of moving along (or at least continuing on) in life as things change.

I think I have to agree, but if it's true that we never escape the feeling of loss, then I don't see how we can live normal, healthy lives. Getting older sounds to me like there's just more and more burden on one's soul until we can't take it anymore, and die.

It also seems to me like I've lost the ability to be happy. I have my little enjoyments in life (driving, concerts, video games), but nothing can make me happy anymore. Every piece of joy is temporary, and the shadow of grief adds a bitter aftertaste to everything. Have you ever felt like that? Is this normal?

Every human being over a certain age has to live with some sort of loss....and the loss of romance is quite common.

I would emphasize the positives in my life. I would try to work on alleviating the negative.

But never deny your feelings. Instead, one should adapt to the presence of these feelings. It’s really the only way to solve this.

I am sure everybody on this Site could identify with what you’re going through.

As mentioned:


Overall, I do my best to remember and to be grateful for what I had rather than wallowing in the sense of loss.


I believe that does happen to some people, and there are days when it is a struggle for me to accept the losses, freshen up once again and then keep moving along....and part of being able to do that comes from being determined to endure to the end I know *will* eventually come to bring it all to an end.


Typical for some people, maybe, but not across-the-board "normal" (as in unavoidable) for everyone. In my own case, "content" today takes the place of "happy" in that regard. I am still able to do and to enjoy some things I used to enjoy much more greatly, and I avoid the matter of "bitter aftertaste" by not expecting them to always match the level or type of enjoyment of days past.

Sometimes "the only way out is through." That means going more deeply into grieving, rather than trying to be okay with the losses. It would mean writing out memories of the lost persons/animals, or assembling a photo album, maybe even a small shrine that you bring flowers and incense to occasionally. It gives credence to how very deeply you loved.

It's just a suggestion. I know it hurts. My other suggestion is if you feel stuck overcoming these losses, that's a pathology and you should get some therapy for it. It could be antidepressants, it could be grief counseling from a talk therapist, or both.

Thank you all for commenting.

I'm doing my best to adapt my grief into my life in a way that it won't keep me from moving on. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but there are moments when old memories surface, and I relive how good it was to be around my rabbit, or to talk to my (ex-)girlfriend. Then I feel like I have nothing, even though I know it's not true. I think I'm doing my best to move on, I have a normal life with its ups and downs, but grief is something I can't seem to solve. Some people I know told me to look for another girlfriend, but I can't even imagine myself doing that.

Sometimes I also consider therapy, but it's expensive.

Sometimes hospice organizations have grief counseling groups, available at no cost. It might be something to look into. Just call a local hospice and ask, and if they don't have them, do they know of any that exist?

In the US there are lots of support groups around every sort of issue, and most of these are either free, or they ask a small donation. When I had to put a terminally ill pet down, I got a sympathy card from both the after-hours clinic that did the service, as well as our regular vet. It was very touching that they recognized how profound the loss could be.

I'm not sure, but I'll look into it.

I've also noticed that I tend to find it difficult to let not only beings, but things go as well. For example, I usually find it difficult to upgrade my computer because I get attached the parts I installed previously. And now that I have a car, I just can't imagine myself driving a different one ever. Some people buy things with plans to upgrade them in the future. I never do that because I don't want to get attached to something I plan to sell anyway. Has anyone experienced something like this?

I've had a car that I've "missed" before.

It was a Mercury Tracer hatchback. Somebody I know referred to it as an heirloom. My wife called her Betsy.

When I gave it to someone else, I felt a sort of sadness.

This has also happened with some other material things which I've owned.

Buddhists would call that tendency "attachment" and view it as the source of much unhappiness. Have you ever heard of Tibetan prayer flags? They are left in all weather blowing in the breeze, eventually becoming quite faded. That is not disrespect for the flags, but rather a recognition that all things are impermanent. Similarly, a sand mandala is an elaborate design created by monks on the ground using colored sands. It may take days or weeks to create. After it is finished, the sand is just swept away. What was the point of all that effort? The point was recognition of the principle of impermanence, and the folly of attachment.

According to the Buddhist theology, you can learn to accept the passage of time, the change of circumstances, and the loss of things and people you are attached to. In this way you will become much happier. Perhaps a ritual regarding the people you have lost would help you. For instance, with the lost relationship with your girlfriend, you might take any photographs you have, any cards or letters, or maybe create a memoir of your time with her, and then burn it all. (In a safe place, like a fire ring at a park, of course!) Or you could prepare a little bundle, attach it to a helium balloon, and release it. The point is not to rid yourself of reminders, but rather, to undergo a "saying goodbye" experience that might then free your spirit to get on with your life.

I've heard about sand mandalas. They're quite impressive.

My issue is actually not of ownership. I don't really feel like I own my things, rather they're partners that make my life easier, like a Jedi's lightsaber. So my attachment is not like a fear of losing property. It's more like a feeling that if I sell or give away something, then I'm betraying a faithful partner, like I'm doing something bad to them.

I organised my girlfriend's photos into one folder on my computer. I never open it (I don't want to tear up old wounds), but I don't want to delete it, either. I would only miss her even more.