bleh

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edited (again)-reposting the original of this since we started talking about it:

I called my mother this evening (which is always a bad idea) to ask her for some advice... guess I should explain a bit.

My therapist has said I have AS already, but hasn't really done quite everything he has to do in order to make it "official"-just to clear that up before the story...

I've been having meltdown after meltdown lately-I've been very depressed and haven't been thinking very logically, so I've been effected very easily by things. I missed my first college class today, a 3 hour class at that (yes, I know-HUGE no no). My daughter could not get into daycare due to needing immunization shots and had to stay home for 24 hours before being allowed to attend.

So I make it a point to go in after class is over, and talk to the teacher to explain the situation. She says "well, you could always just wait and take the class next semester". Of course, I instantly freaked out because this changed EVERYTHING I have already planned into a routine for the entire summer. Dropping out of this class would bring me down to less than full time, which would in turn make me ineligible for my state assistance with daycare, leading to the children not being able to go to daycare at all, which would render me unable to go to my classes altogether. Instant meltdown. The teacher stuck around to get me calmed down, kept following me while I was trying to walk away from her, and finally worked out a schedule to attempt to get me caught up to speed in what they did on their first class, and marked me present for class today.

I get home, get the kids fed, etc., finally get them to bed and have a chance to open my books and do the homework that was assigned for today and try to get caught up, when... one of the books is NOT there. Now, in my mind, this teacher has already bent over backwards, does NOT want to hear of any other mishaps, and I'm now convinced I won't be able to catch up (mainly because I'm scared of my teacher-she's very intimidating to begin with, and the idea of trying to explain why I know nothing of the reading that was assigned).

I check the book store list and on the list of materials-which I ordered directly to ENSURE I'd have all of my books, this book is NOT listed, so that's why I didn't have it. I call the stores in the area, none of them are carrying it currently. I have exactly... 11 hours to catch up on everything and get in to speak with her, and I don't have the book needed. To top it off, I have a class at 9:00 a.m., and the book store doesn't open until 8:00, so I have an hour to get there, get the book, and read 36 pages before I go speak with her. I'm panicking, I'm upset, I'm very emotional, I feel absolutely terrible and am afraid of the "you're just making up excuses" attitude I've been seeming to get lately, when I have no other options but to try my best and pray it's good enough-though, over the past week, people in general have shown me that my best just isn't good enough.

Teacher seems to come across with a "you're just lazy, making up excuses" approach (even when I had my 2 year old with me-she had a fever and bandaids all over her so she could see the poor kid got a bunch of shots, and only because I had no one else to watch her)... I called my mom. That's what parents are for right?

Mom says "it sounds to me like you are making up excuses..." then proceeds to yell at me and tell me how ridiculous I'm being. Of course her actually saying I'm making up excuses triggers a reaction instantly... I just asked her "do you even care what is going on with me? do you ever care? does it matter at all to you that I'm trying my hardest to make everyone proud of me and no one seems to give me any credit for it-including you?" TOTALLY IGNORES IT. She just sidestepped it all, and went straight to telling me what to do about the situation...

I just wish there was a way to FORCE her to understand and actually care about what is going on with me... she disregards AS just because it hasn't officially been labelled yet, even though she knows my therapist flat out said I have it-doesn't matter. Until it's "official" I'm making up excuses and am just a screw up at everything I try to do. I wish she knew how badly this effects me-not really so much even her reaction... but it's the fact that I don't understand how someone can have kids and just literally not care about them or take the time to talk to them without trying to belittle them all of the time and tell them how much they suck at life. ...and to be honest, I don't think it will change at all once it is official-she's always been like this.

Is this a naive thing-that I automatically associate needing help with the phrase "go to mom" maybe? Just because that's what people generally do, is turn to their parents. I always forget that I don't have that with my mom when I see others able to talk to their parents about anything... it's depressing quite frankly. It just seems I never learn either... I always tend to go to her. I don't like the way she treats me, but she is my mother and mom's are (in general) SUPPOSED to be there for their kids when they need help or advice. Why can't I just see it? Is it just a mix of me being naive and her reaction not making any sense to me?

Last edited by nobodyzdream on 05 Jun 2007, 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi,

I read what you wrote before you deleted it, and I can really empathize. My parents are exactly the same.

What worked for me was distancing myself from them. I still phone my mother about once a month, but I don't bother confiding in her about my problems because after years of trying to make her understand me and of kidding myself that one day she would start caring and acknowledging my health issues - I finall accepted that this just wasn't going to happen.

I've been 'officially' diagnosed with various things - which my parents know about but won't acknowledge - there still seems to be the perception that I am making excuses or that I am just being silly and need a slap - which seems odd because surely if that were the case I 1) wouldn't have been diagnosed and 2) Wouldn't have achieved the things that I have achieved because, whether or not you have health issues - some things can only be achieved by hard work.

I really hope that one day your family are able to understand. However, if it seems like that may not happen, it might be best to stop trying to make them understand and just accept that they don't get it - and try instead to find friends who can give you the support and understanding that your mother won't give.

I didn't read it, and will offer no
constructive information at all.

PM me if you want your post deleted
entirely, so as to preserve anonymity,
however.

thank you very much-I do try to remember this... every time I call her, I always immediately start thinking "why did I do this again?"

We see her regularly-she is great with the kids, and every once in a while I do think I could probably use a swift kick in the ass to get out of my slump, lol, and her ignoring it all seems to be the perfect remedy usually. It bothers me still, but I do know she's just like that and it's not going to change. Mainly what bothers me most is just not understanding why she is like that, and why I keep on turning to her when I need someone to talk to... you'd think I'd have learned by now.

So maybe for some odd reason, I might be calling her just for an eye opener (since I do in fact KNOW she has no problems completely ignoring anything I say and how I feel) that these situations are silly and don't need to be made out to be as serious as they seem to me. So she's good to talk to for that, even if it bothers me that she doesn't acknowledge how serious they are to me at the time. I do look back on a lot of things after calling her and I tend to think "wow, that WAS really stupid to get that upset over it".

I've always tended to hate patronizing (or when sympathy comes across that way), but for some reason, I seek support (even though they always come across as the same thing to me for the most part). I get those mixed up very easily due to analyzing every single thing the person said and the way it was said, lol.

I do not think she ever will change, but I also think she has very similar to me, as she does NOT do well in social settings. Her reaction to me was extremely mild compared to what she says to someone she doesn't know who opposes her ideas/beliefs... and she has an extreme lack of empathy-as in... nonexistent for the most part, unless something involves her or her dogs, lol.

She often refers to mental illnesses as "an excuse to not do what you have to to get through life", and I know she had a really rough life, and managed to make it. I've often wondered if she was ever diagnosed with anything while growing up, and maybe is bitter or something due to it, or due to the image some people present of themselves and such... but she'll never tell me, lol, so I can only suspect due to her avoidance of the issue overall.

Again, I really understand what you mean.

Both of my parents seem, to me, to both have undiagnosed neuro-developmental and psychological issues. I think that can make it difficult for them because, in my case, I represent the elements of their personalities or 'make-up' that they are constantly trying to suppress. The fact that my health issues are to a more severe extent than theirs means that I can't just 'hide it' and also, I am involved in disability equality campaigning now, so am actually quite proud of how nature made me and am quite defiant when someone says something negative to me about disabilities.

I think this makes it hard for my 'in-denial' parents because I represent everything they want to suppress in themselves. So I guess that disregarding my problems is something that they do as a coping mechanism.

Well, I don't know if this is relevant to you, this is just my own personal experience (and also just my theory as to my parents' behaviour). Maybe I should take up a career as a psychologist..... (only joking) lol

it's quite possible-last thing my mom said that remotely sounded like she was interested in anything was:

"oh... you mean overanalyzing things? I used to do that a lot... then I realized I didn't care"

Right after she said that, she was talking about some guy flipping her off because she left a closer parking spot (to the store) for him to get and she kept saying "I just don't understand why he would do that when I left a perfectly good spot! I had the decency to leave it for him because he was older than me, and he flipped me off! Why? For taking the FARTHER spot???" lol...

and about psychology, lol, I used to say if I had a job like that, I'd probably space out for the entire session after I found out the person's name, then have to ask them what it was again at the end of it, lol.

I cannot offer much advice concerning school and how to "deal" (man I hate that word; but it contains a lot of meaning when spoken by "normal" people and they seem to like using it against those who're having trouble "coping" with the environment due to "issues" they won't understand) with it. I've run from school and everything I've attempted soon after I started it. Concerning running to mummy: that's a perfectly natural thing to do, even if she cannot offer counseling that's pertinent to us when we're older, but she was usually there to clean a cut when you were younger (a massive generalization), and cuts come in all types -- physical and mental. It’s not naive, it’s a survival thingie. Trouble equates to mummy fixing it, or at least listening to it; whether the advice is helpful or not, it's still good to speak verbally to someone (getting it out)....

I don't run to mum, 'cause I cannot confide in anyone "out there" really (though I've spoken to a couple of people via PM on here that has really helped me).

I hope this is somewhat comprehensible, I’m drugged up (or down if you want to be technical) due to a funky afternoon.

I am 62; my mother is 94. That's pretty old, isn't it? I always thought she lived this long so I could finally understand her.

When I was younger -in my 40's- I finally came to the realisation that I was trying to go back to the womb. In other words, I was looking for a safe retreat - warmth, nurturing. My mother is not capable of that. The strange thing is that my two sisters and I are caring and will do anything for our families.

So my sad message to you is that your mother will probably never change. I think both of you, nobodyzdream and girl700 have found the answer. You inherited your conditions from somewhere, and it is probably true that you remind them of characteristics in themselves that they don't want to acknowledge..

All you can do, nobodyzdream, is allow your mother to contribute as she can with her love of the grandchildren. I don't think she can help the way she is- as you said she is milder with you than she is with others.

Girl700, you have done the only thing possible at this stage in distancing yourself from your family.

I have read both of your posts many times and I admire you both.

Nobodyzdream,

I admire you very much .... coping with a young child and attending college must be extremely hard. Good on you for doing it.

NannaRob is my Mum and is extremely nuturing and supportive ... I don't know how I would have coped without her.

Maybe you can 'borrow' my Mum when you need to talk!

Helen / Smelena

Let me echo this. I really admire you for coping with it.

Thank you all for the awesome responses and thanks for listening to me vent, lol.

Just dropping in between classes to let you all know I'm feeling MUCH better-I went in to talk to my Reading teacher, and something that took her 3 hours to teach the rest of the class, I was able to learn in half an hour She was very happy about that.

I guess anxiety pays off to an extent as well, I did all of my homework last night (was up til 2 a.m.) to cushion the blow from me not having that novel with me to read, and she was very pleased to see I had already done all of the work and seemed to have a very good understanding of it. She also asked about why I'm in her class, and I explained the reading comprehension and such, eventually telling her a little about the AS, and she asked if she could make any accommodations for me. She said she will be very pleased when I do have the diagnosis officially (finally finished and ready for him to put on the charts, lol), because she can look up a lot more or can get more information on accommodations so that she can help me understand better

Also got extremely lucky, as I wound up getting the book this morning and reading it, it's Shawshank Redemption (Stephen King), and I've seen the movie a million times so I have a really good visual to follow the story with and understand it easily

As far as mom... I still have some learning to do about taking things to her, lol, but for now the school thing seems a bit resolved and that just helped immensely right there, so I'm allowing my brain a break from thinking about her as I know she will just always be that way.

It is, the hardest part is I prioritize my children's needs over everything else, and sometimes their needs aren't exactly "needs" in the sense of "the world is going to explode if my child doesn't get this done right this second". So I've lost a lot of things due to it. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I really wish I could better see overall consequences of things I do and rationalize other ways to get it done, around things that are actually timed.

Yesterday's experience, for instance, the daycare said she could not attend until she had all of her shots updated-I couldn't get assistance approved until Friday, and the clinic doesn't do shots on the weekends. So I felt I was stuck. When they said she could not attend until she had them, I never even thought to ask if I can take her to finish getting them updated AFTER my classes, and chances are they would accommodate for it. But I never stopped to think about that-when they said she had to have them before she got in, it was "set in stone" in my mind, so I did that rather than going to class, thinking I would easily be able to catch up. I got lucky-I can catch up easy, but if the teacher hadn't bent the rules for me, consequences would have been more severe just due to my not questioning the daycare about the shots.