Being put under pressure to do things I don't want to do

Post Reply New Topic

In my spare time I help out with running a Facebook page and its accompanying website/blog. I only ever wanted to be involved with helping out online, but now the owner of the website keeps asking me to come to events in person. I don't want to be involved in any of the in-person events, as travelling outside of my home city on my own would cause me a lot of anxiety, and also my Asperger syndrome would make these sorts of events very difficult for me anyway.

Even though I have explained the above to him, he is very persistent and won't seem to take no for an answer. Apart from this, I get on with him well and I like helping out with the Facebook page and website. I even asked my step-dad if I could to one of these events, but it would involve a lot of travelling and he said no (which didn't really surprise me - my parents are very protective of me due to my Asperger's and anxiety - I am not very "streetwise").

The website owner is so persistent though - he keeps sending me invites to these events, even though I say no every time, and I've made him fully aware of my difficulties. I don't want to fall out with him though - how can I get him to accept that I don't want to be involved with anything other than the online stuff?

I understand from your post that you're working for him entirely online as a telecommuter - right? So what this is, is that he wants to meet you, if you only interviewed online. If you've met for an in-person interview before, it could mean he likes you and wants an excuse to have lunch. It could also mean "he's a creep, stay away". So it's good that your family knows.

Try sending him this link, if you and your parents think it would be useful, after you've read it yourselves.
https://www.antioch.edu/new-england/wp- ... pGuide.pdf

I used that flyer at work fairly often - I'd disclosed, but a lot of people don't listen or don't 'get' it. I'm actually pretty high functioning, but I did not do "compulsory social" (day-long holiday office parties and half-day birthdays) at work, for love or money, and this helped people understand why pestering me about that didn't work.

If he is honestly attracted to you, hopefully this flyer and your disclosure will help him figure out that he needs to be honest and forthcoming about his wish to meet you/have lunch. At that point, trusting and talking with your family sounds like the best option. There are ways to have "family wingmen" in the coffee shop at another table, for instance. If he just really wants to see you personally and it's "honorable", it's way better if he just comes out where you are, and you guys have lunch, and then he goes back.

I'm glad your family is watching out for you. I kind of hope it turns out "cute" and this guy is HFA and unattached and your folks like him and so on, but I wish you the best outcome, whatever that is in reality. (HFA would explain his persistence in a less-creepy way: clueless about how much is too much. Until you know for sure, though, always proceed with caution. Wingmen are GOOD.)

Yep. You have to be protective. And your parents are looking out for you.

Why does he want you to attend these events in person? Has he given you a specific reason?

I'm also thinking that maybe exploring a new place might be a good adventure for you. Even if you don't happen to attend this guy's events,

Could be honorable, then - but think about providing him the flyer anyway, and keep your folks in the loop, and definitely don't be alone with him until you AND your folks are convinced that's OK.

Sorry to be an overprotective stranger, but you and I both know what's been in the news lately. Guys you'd never imagine, misusing power.

And it stinks to be wary of guys who don't deserve wariness, but the other way around (not being wary enough and being harmed) stinks a lot worse.

I'm glad you have your folks.

PS if you're not familiar with her site, Captain Awkward (https://captainawkward.com/) is remarkable, as are her commenters, for a window into (a) social interaction and (b) even NTs get confused by this stuff.

PSS I'm leaving the links exposed in these responses so you can see them before you click

Esmeralda does give good advice. And not just because she just might be cute in real life.....

Don't be paranoid---but be wary.

And make sure you talk to your parents at least a couple of times a day.

^^ Thanks Kraftie, it ***really*** helps to have a guy's input and perspective too!

Edit in: good luck, Sparkle!

Thanks for your advice. He lives very far away from me, so meeting up would be difficult and anxiety-inducing, even if I did want to go. My parents don't want me to go. In any case, he won't come and organise an event in my home-town anyway. So it's unlikely I will ever meet him in person. I'd rather just focus on the online stuff, but I don't want him to keep putting me under pressure to attend these in-person events. I also don't want to fall out with him.

In that case, if you are seeing a doctor or a counselor for help with the Asperger's, it may be helpful to talk to them. They *might* be able to put a tactful note together explaining that you can't and don't travel for health reasons. If that's an option, and if he responds properly to it, you may have a solution.

Again, good luck. Navigating this stuff is anxiety-inducing!

Personally I'd just ignore the invitations. You aren't under any obligation to travel. I mean, this is purely voluntary on your part, he's not even paying you! If you feel the need, you can always talk to him on the phone or Skype and explain to him what you've told us here. If he's a decent person he should stop bothering you at that point.

He would stop bothering her----and still use her online input, which is valuable.

Thanks for your replies. I will explain to him that although he enjoys organising these kinds of events, they're not for me and I'd rather just focus on the online stuff.