Is it possible to be born with intrinsic self-hatred?

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Hello. I cannot remember a single day of my life where I can say I liked myself. I had my first wish to die when I was still a child. From my teenage years onwards I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts. They may go away for a few weeks or days but once something bad happens or when my actions have poor outcomes, they come back in full force and last longer than they were away for.
I believe I hate life because I hate myself. I have not suffered bullying (at least not to the extent I've seen other people suffer). My parents are great and they tell me good things about myself even though I don't believe them. I think I am worthless and defective human being; sometimes I feel that way because I struggle with things that are meant to be pretty basic and simple (like walking into a store and purchasing an item; opening locks; making a phone call); sometimes it's because I know I have no talent, I am not naturally good at anything - if happen to do something well it's simply because I put a lot of time and effort into it.
I have no self esteem, and my mind is full of awful thoughts about myself; it takes an immense amount of effort to think of something positive about myself and even when I do it it feels fake and I feel pathetic. I hate being complimented, as it makes me anxious that whoever complimented me expects me to perform well at all times and I am afraid to fail and disappoint them. I also hate being criticized because it's just proof of my incompetence. I don't even want to schedule a doctor's appointment for fear I might waste someone's time and make a fool out of myself.
I am wondering if it is possible for one to hate oneself naturally. I see many people hate themselves due to bullying or abusive parents, so this sort of self loathing makes sense because it stems from something. It seems mine just comes from my brain working poorly.

No, it's not.

Self-hate is purely a product of one's environment, and how one reacts to it.

Your parents sound like nice people.

Why do you think you're "defective?" And don't say it's because you have autism LOL

I'm actually not diagnosed (and I wouldn't dare to self diagnose, so let's just say I have many autistic traits and I'm highly suspicious I'm on the spectrum). I probably would feel less defective if I got diagnosed because then I would have an explanation for why I am so different from others.
I probably feel defective because I just suck at everything. I am not good at social interaction which is so vital for making through life, but I'm not good at anything else either to compensate for that; like I said before, when I do something well it's because I've put a lot of time and effort into it. Mostly because I am extremely terrified of failure.
My parents are nice, and the bullying I've suffered is nothing compared to things other people go through, which is why I thought my environment couldn't be so bad as to provoke this sort of intense feeling.

Not much bad things have happened to me and Im not good at anything. I became self destructive a few years back but then got help through mental health. I was in a mental hospital for a while and it helped. I think you should just get help if you are feeling this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if you actually don't "suck" at the things you think you suck at.

I read some of your other posts.

You seem like an intelligent person to me.

I'm sorry you feel that way And for so long too

You've sort of answered your own question though. There IS a reason you hate yourself, it's because you struggle with doing things and because you feel you have no talents. That's what's causing your self-hatred. You don't have to have been bullied or abused.

It's possible you are autistic, that would make sense. I felt similar to how you feel now before I was diagnosed. I know I'm not qualified but you sound depressed.

Whatever it is, you're clearly deeply unhappy so you have every right to go to a doctor, you are not wasting their time at all. Especially if you're having suicidal thoughts. If you're really uncomfortable doing this though, have you thought about emailing the Samaritans? That way you don't have to talk to anybody out loud. (Or you can phone them if you'd rather.)

Some people say that (my parents included). But I don't think I am smart and I have evidence of that (I have a tendency of making really stupid mistakes during tests and I only realize what I've done after reflecting on my answers for a while when I come back home). I may have knowledge of some science stuff but I feel I lack common sense to do basic things specially when they involve interacting with people (I feel a strong need for clear instructions for what I should say or what I should do).



I am probably depressed (that's not hard to self-diagnose). I tried reaching out for help in my university's health center but it didn't go well - maybe because it was a free consultation. I may try to schedule with another doctor in another place in the future; I just have to build up the courage for it as silly as that sounds. Can I contact the Samaritans even if I am not in the UK?

We are not born this way, we are conditioned by our environment and past experiences.

I have never loathed myself but there certainly had manifested a dreadful lack of appreciation for oneself and inability to feel concern, this is ongoing even though I am fully aware these days that I'm a valuable and valid human being, I still find it hard to care and look out for myself, which is where kind advice helps an awful lot in reminding me. I was told by an old therapist that self abuse is often not something you do deliberately, you can only take so much from a bad road in life before it seeps through the cracks and pollutes you.

I make stupid mistakes all the time too. If you look back and realise you did it wrong, I think that's more an indicator that you were extremely stressed and struggling to think straight rather than stupidity. If you were stupid, you wouldn't realise you'd made a mistake at all.


No, doesn't sound silly, I know exactly what you mean. You can email them, not sure about phoning.