Hello this is my first post in a very long time and it is pretty long and depressing... I came here a few times in a very distressed state under a different name, I was ranting nonsense and I could not truly reach out to anyone and gave up... Warning this can trigger people with mental illness
I recently went off off ssri's and antipsychotics and find myself severely depressed again ruminating about all the bad things that happened to me in the past... I get manipulated everywhere I go by bad men because I develop an autistic/delusional obsession over them.... These are professors, bosses and men I find online. It started when I was 20 when a middle aged crazy guy online tried to get me to move to Cali to be with him. He emotionally drained me at a time I was most fragile and isolated, when I started uni.
When I was in university I felt I was being controlled and manipulated by a very sadistic prof who had various women harassing me and telling me I was in love with him, calling me schizophrenic and humiliating me in public. To top it off I went from prof to prof in that department, being handed over to emotionally abusive profs that sexually harassed and mocked me. My own parents do not believe me and say I brought this upon myself and that it's my fault. I had spent over 2 years there after all. Why did I keep going? I tried going to different clubs and social groups, and volunteering in uni but I kept quitting them and returning to art school because I was too depressed to keep a schedule. I had developed psychosis/dissociation at the time and was doing drugs to deal with my emotions. I had ended up in a mental hospital after I dropped out. I had told a uni official about it but I don't think they followed through on an investigation.
This is just one example in a pattern of this kind of thing happening since then... I believe manipulators like this drove me crazy because I obsessed and fixated on them and it is what they wanted. A similar thing had also happened when I was employed through vocational rehab. I had developed a huge crush on a boss and it made me quit the job in the end, because I was afraid people were talking about me crushing on him. I also got severely depressed cause I felt he was toying with my emotions. I had a good outlook on that job until I realized it was dead end and boring, and I began thinking about bad memories again.
I ended up meeting a few guys from online who really just used me for brief sexual encounters, even a LDR that fizzled out quickly. I was so desperate I flew to Canada to meet him. I didn't get hurt but it was a surreal almost terrifying experience. I fear I will do something severe because of these memories, such as suicide.
Recently I tried to look forward instead of backward in anger... I had met a new guy online and got very emotionally attached because he was very charming at first, flirting with me and saying hed get my number. At one point recently I was making plans to meet him. To possibly run away from these bad memories and start a new life together far away. But he seems very off to me, I had to walk on glass to get him to connect with me. I realized he is not a good person, and always makes me cry. It has triggered very bad memories again. This is why I came here, because my only social outlet right now is webcam chatrooms and it is a very toxic hostile environment full of drama. It seems to be what I attract, and the standards I've set for my self.
I guess you could say as advice, that I should put my walls up for such red flags as charming manipulative men. I seem to fall for it every time and ignore all the signs when an abusive/unfair situation arises... My parents say they want to protect me but these situations keep happening, I'm afraid there's nothing they can do to stop me.
I'm not sure what I want from this post. I just wish someone would believe me instead of calling me delusional. Yes I have some form of psychosis or thought disorder, but it was all triggered by bad guys, mostly people who are older and can use my weakness against me.
I just want to be happy, possibly find friends and a bf some day, and find good hearted people, instead of pushing people away with a dark cloud.... I am afraid I am so broken that I am unwanted even by aspies. I have severe emotional/memory problems that I have no clue how to work out.... I even went to a therapist, i took the meds, I tried to get out and meet new people... they did not solve the problem. I had went to aspie groups but felt I did not fit in because they were so happy go lucky and I have the dark cloud of painful memories.
I am 28 years old and I am a complete failure because of severe depression since I was young and then being manipulated by bad people...... I have spent most of my life socially isolated and when I try to connect with someone I am discarded. I just want to feel accepted by someone and not rejected and thrown away like a toy. No one I know IRL seems to understand or accept this. My mom just says to grow up, try to be happy within myself and meet people through hobbies and shared interests. Well art is out of my picture because of my experience in university. I would like to paint pictures for relatives who ask me about it but it is not my passion. Yet everyone is wanting me to do it. I am not very knowledgeable in much of anything, tho I have many interests. I especially love gerbils. I do not have much to offer except that I am an honest and caring person at heart. I just wanna salvage what is left from my broken brain, and possibly build a new future, away from the pain... Maybe this ranting is all a cop-out but I really want to reach out to people with good hearts, not bad ones... But I feel like I am a monster...sigh
Thanks for reading and sorry if this post is triggering or too sad. Hope someone understands
03 Jan 2018, 4:54 pm
