2018 is going to be the same as last year

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I fear that 2018 is going to be the same as last year. The year started with my therapist telling me I might not be able to see her anymore due to my medical insurance provider believing I no longer qualify for therapy. It's only going to get worse from here.

I hope that isnt true and wish you all the best.

It's only 3 days into the year. I bet things can be worked out with the therapist. Why do you "no longer qualify?"

They think autism spectrum disorders don't belong under therapy but psychiatry instead. I also don't have war flashbacks, voices in my head, and compulsions to kill but that doesn't mean I am without struggles. If you aren't feeling 100% throughout the day, something is wrong.

If it makes you feel better I might be in the same boat. I just changed insurance, I already know that I have to get a new pharmacy but no word yet if I can still go to my therapist.

I should've killed myself when the previous year ended.

I feel like I have nowhere to go and I'll have to live masochistically.

Well you never know, you might make a new friend whether in person or online! If you were to kill yourself, you would never be able to accomplish getting a friend or girlfriend.

Have you mentioned your interests(more than once or twice) to anyone? I think making friends first would make it easier to get a girlfriend as many girls would be wary of a person that is having trouble making friends as well.

If I remember you said you liked anime, I am more than sure that there are others on here who likes anime(I think I could get into anime if I knew the ones with more character development and nice stories.)

Maybe you could talk more about anime and video games and you might have better success!

Hey Marknis - I'm assuming you watched then last few episodes of the Evangelion TV series?
The really messy ones?

Have you done some reading on how those happened? The director was seriously depressed and in therapy throughout the production of the series, and has been so so ever since.
But those episodes ... they are meant to be therapeutic, I think.

I have watched those episodes and I know about Hideaki Anno's struggles with depression but even watching those episodes and reading about Anno's struggles did not help me. I am a completely malfunctioning human being. I am almost 30 and if I haven't made any significant accomplishments, I don't see how anything can ever change. I used to want to play guitar professionally but I can barely play no matter how much I practice, I can't create any songs, I've never played live or with a band, and I don't have any special audio equipment at all. I also had artistic and literary aspirations but my drawing ability is horrible and I can't come up with a cohesive plot or interesting characters no matter how much I try to rack my brain. I feel like I should just be destroyed.

Again, same thing that I told Sly, and the same problem I'm having. Look from within where your happiness is instead of outside your body. You find happiness, you find a sense of humor, and after finding a sense of humor you get a chance to have more people around you.

Have you ever asked for help when you were making characters and coming up with a plot? What is your drawing ability anyway? My brother says the same thing about his drawings yet his don't look bad at all! I think you might be underestimating yourself!

You're definitely better than me.

I haven't and the few friends I have don't seem to support me at all. I really struggle to draw anything because I always find something wrong with what I am doing and I keep erasing until either the impression stays in the paper or the paper tears.

I know this is more of a painting thing than regular drawing. "It's your world do with it as you want and remember there are no mistakes just happy accidents." - Bob Ross

Sending you big dragon hugs, Marknis. I really hope there's some way you can continue to get the help you need. I understand how you feel. I also keep erasing until I can't get rid of the marks/impressions every time I draw, and also used to want to be a writer until I realized how bad my stories are even after years of working on them. As AquaineBay said, it's also entirely possible that you're underestimating yourself, and what seems bad to you might actually truly impress others. We tend to be our own worst critics. I know it's very hard to work up the courage to do it (I've never been able to with my stories), but maybe it would help if you showed someone else some of your work to get their opinion on it. Sending you more big dragon hugs.