Found out Wife is Having an Affair

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I found out today my wife has been having an affair for over a year. They usually hook up when I travel out of state for work. She doesn't know I know. I do not know what to do. I'm hurt and confused and I feel that it's my fault because I'm not that attentive of a husband. My sex drive had diminished greatly since we've been married. Once again I'm hurt.

Dave

I am so sorry....

Deceit is harsh, especially when she, or whomever, pretends to care.

Well, even after what has happened, do you want it to continue? Can your marriage survive this? That's important to consider. Is she worth a second chance?

(Necessary disclaimer...I've been drinking, my advice is likely not the best.)

If you want it to continue, confront her, but as neutrally as you can. Not sure that's even possible, but don't go into it like you're on the warpath.

Otherwise, what do you want to do now? Do you want it to just end? Do you want her to know just how bad she's hurt you? Figure out what kind of resolution would work for you, then you can decide what to do.

I'm sure none of this has helped any. I can't begin to imagine what that's like. I've been cheated on, but it was a flaky relationship, not a marriage. Supposedly I was too distant, but still, there's no excuse for it. Well, that's my drunken attempt at being "helpful."

God, Dave, I'm so sorry!
I god hope things turn ut for the best.

What I would do is confront her about the issue.

So sorry about this.
The dishonesty is the worst thing and the pretence.
Do not blame yourself for it. If she was not getting what she felt she needed, it was her place to tell you so you could make efforts to change or at least so it was discussed.

Since you mention your sex drive being down, that's my b est guess why she's having an affair.

If you think she's worth a second chance, I'd recommend getting a perscription to Viagra or Enzyte or something of the sort.

I agree with Graelwyn, it was up to her to tell you there was something wrong. Don't blame yourself. No one deserves to be cheated on.

As far as the sex drive thing, I don't think most women would have an affair because of their husband's low sex drive. Women usually have affairs because they feel they're not getting something emotionally.

Actually I think you are for the most part all right in your responses. First of all I have taken Viagra. Viagra does work for the erections. However erections and having a low sex drive are different. I'm pretty sure that most men that take viagra are pretty horny they just cannot obtain a hard erection without Viagra. Even though I can obtain an erection by taking Viagra I'm not aroused and I cannot get into having sex. When I was in my teens and early twenties I remember have a mind/penis connection if this makes sense. I've lost this. And it's been a long time. When I was 18 I had sex on average literally 3-times per day. I've been to doctors. I've been to a sex therapist.

My wife has told me I'm not emotionally there for her so she told me. I do not know if the marriage can be salvaged or even if I want it to be saved. Maybe I really never did love her and maybe that is why I cannot get into the sex thing. Right now I just feel bad. Luckily I'm on vacation tomorrow. So is she though so it's going to be hard being with her. I found out about the affair because when I got home from work she wasn't there and a Yahoo account was minimized. I opened it and did not recognize the email addresses. I started reading the emails and I was floored on what I read.


They've been having sex in hotels and in my own house. And here is the kicker also. I do not understand this. Three weeks ago we went up to Minnesota to visit my step-daughter. She's mentioned this guy in the past during converations as someone she use to work with. On the way up there she wanted "US" to stop and meet him at a McDonalds. I've met the guy. I do not get this on why she would want me to meet a guy she is F***ing. Any ideas? She wanted to know what I thought of him after we left the resturant. What's up with this? By the way in one of their emails he mentions that his wife is suspicious of something going on. I must be blind because I didn't have a clue. Thanks for your kind words and support. I have to think for the next few days on what to do before I confront her. Also does anyone think that his wife has the right to know also?

Dave

His wife? That adds a spin to it. They're both cheating. They both think that something is lacking in their relationships. That's clear. Does that make it right? Hell no.

YOu have to decide whether or not she's worth the trouble, the difficulty, the pain. If she is, that's a starting point. Hell, showing her you want to make it "better," make things in general "better" (whatever the f**k that means) could do a lot. But, do you care enough to do that? If you don't love her, cut it lose, let her go, it is best for both of you. That is the first thing you need to figure out. If you do love her, is this pain and frustration (and work) worth your time? Are you willing to try and improve things, and do you think you're able to put these transgressions on her part aside? If yes, yes, yes, etc, then you have enven more to work with. There's a lot of questions you have to answer for yourself before you can really know where to go with this. Worry about that first, then what to do second.

*edited*

f**k her, just f**k her. rip into her. any insecurity you may know of, exploit it. make her feel miserable. make her feel as bad as you do. Physical violence? HAH. That is nothing compared to what a harsh word or two can do. Psychological pain is far logner lasting than physical pain can be, if done right. Real justice is making her feel like you felt. If she can get over it, fine, but she won't get out of it without any effort or pain.

yes, I'm speaking like a horrible person right now. Attribute it to what you will, alcohol, anger, whatever, but that's how I am right now.