I hate being me *major rant warning*

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I'm having one of those days. My head won't stop and it's fueling this internal storm.

I dont want to see people, speak to them, just anything. I would rather disappear into a void right now. I don't know if i'm on the spectrum or not. I don't know if I have ADD. I've been told it's stress and anxiety... just why can't i accept that? Why is it so difficult to just go 'oh, ok. Lets fix that then!' because i cant fix it!! Why?? There's a process - you get diagnosed, you talk to someone, they tell you to stop doing this and that and people generally walk away after some hard work practising new techniques and they're fixed! No, not me.

There seems to be this standard way of life everyone seems to follow and they just know how to do it. It's not fair they all got handed the 'normal functioning card'.

I'm also stressed about my weight right now. It's hideous. It's not even that bad, but to me I look disgusting. My belly is starting to hang over my trousers. I'm stressing over what I eat but the more I stress, the more I'm craving junk food. But I really need to stop because my cholesterol is very high. But i'm so depressed about it! I keep thinking about drastic solutions like starving myself, but the hunger is so bad I just cant. I find i'm addicted to taste and comfort eating because the taste of good things like cake and chocolate makes me feel so elated, like it's almost the only thing I can get such a good feeling out of. I know i shouldn't do anything dangerous, but i keep thinking about it, I keep entertaining the idea. It's not right.

I'm fed up of being surrounded by people who can be 'experts' in something and be good at it. And I'm good at nothing. I just can't seem to... s**t, whats the word....Commit myself enough to any one thing. I get excited about projects and being creative about multiple things that I want to do all these things all at once. Obviously thats impossible. And that creates a build up of energy that I find impossible to expel. Cue internal rage and frustration.

I hate my head. I hate all these emotions. I can't escape any of it because it's all attached to me. I think it's safe to say that right now, I'm in a very depressed state. I just feel like crying. I want to just get up, walk out and go somewhere quiet and isolated without anybody asking questions or speculating or judging.

I just hope that soon I'll be able to see some answers and help bring some form of structure to my life, my presence and my being.

I'd tear my hair out if I didn't fear looking like a Cynthia doll.

Please try to get diagnosed and get therapy. You know what? Maybe taking the first step is the hardest part.

Jon... at least you can recognise it's one of those days. I try to watch those days come... put up with them... then watch them go. Easier said than done.
I'm just down the road from you... the weather's sh*t innit? I don't think that helps, personally.
I hope you feel better soon and I think you should consider what sarahsmith says above.

Thankies for your kind words it really helps. I'm on a waiting list at minute for an autism diagnosis. Not sure at all what will come of it.

I actually for the very first time noticed myself flapping earlier. And now that I've noticed it, I know I do this regularly! I was getting stressed at my bf and I started flapping my hands

Trueno - how do you know where I live!!?? lol seriously that was my immediate thought... Then I remember people say that when they live relatively close by lol not literally down the road! Also, I'm one of those weird people who loves this kind of weather. I'm upset that it's already started getting lighter in the evenings dark nights and stormy clouds... Kinda gives me a strange contentment, I love it!

Down the road was a figure of speech... then when I thought about it, that road is the A62, which is about 200 yards from where I'm sitting now, in the hills on the far side of Huddersfield.

... it was a bit of a shock when I first realised I was flapping...