Burnout

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I went to work because it became more friendly than home. My spouse became frustrated and angry because he finds my state disruptive. Our older daughter, 6yo, the suspected Aspie one, had so big a meltdown today at school that she ended up at the school medical point from where her father picked her up home. I guess we need to talk to the school counsellor about it all. I hope she (the counsellor) would show up reasonable.

It's likely I will fail at my duties. I should teach Algebra tomorrow. I don't know how could I handle interacting with students. I'm just rocking, trembling and crying ATM. My friend here at work, who knows me for ~12 years, said he never before saw me in such a state. He knows my downs but they never looked so severe. But the reality is, I've had almost a year of psychotherapy aimed mostly at unmasking my feelings recently. I have been feeling like this before but I have not been looking like that before because of a mountain of my masking skills.

I guess I should show up to my boss. He is Aspie himself and I found him very understanding when it comes to mental issues.

I'm feeling I'm such a failure... but I know the reality is, I've been taking too much for too long. I wish I could get a sick leave from the life itself.

I know people who have been in terrible shape, yet were able to do their jobs by "instinct."

My mother was quite physically sick at one point, and quite depressed mentally----yet she still was able to be a psychotherapist, even though she had to do phone sessions.

It's similar, in a sense, to "muscle memory.

Don't "think" too much. Just go according to the lesson plan. Algebra is pretty cut and dry, as you know.

You say you've been working for 12 years and that you went to work because it became more friendly than home- has it been this long since your husband has been frustrated and angry? It seems right now is when you both need to come together to support your daughter and anger and frustration won't help.

Has the school started to put more demands on the children at 6 years old? That seems to me when they start expecting them to get down to the more rigorous business of learning. Hopefully she just needs a little more time to adjust.

You are most certainly not a failure but you are dealing with multiple issues. Its great that you have coworkers and a boss that know you and can offer support. Maybe your psychotherapist can offer some additional coping skills?

No, I haven't been working there 12 years, me and my friend knew each other before and we ended up working on the same floor.
My spouse has always been having some anger issues, I used to be able to cope with them easily when there were just two of us. But with a family of 4 relying emotionally on my coping strategies – or this is how I feel it – I just burned out. It's more than I can carry.

Your husband has to carry more of the load. You shouldn't be alone in this.

Why can't he carry more of the load?

He has to work on himself, just like you have to work on yourself.

He doesn't know how and doesn't want to learn...
Well, he is taking the kids to his parents this weekend, so he is actually helping a bit. Just doesn't want to work with emotions.

Is he a scientist, too?

Software developer.

Not sure if this will help, but I've found that I can cope with issues at home as long as work is going OK and vice versa, and only have major problems when I'm having issues in both places at the same time.

If work is feeling more like your sanctuary right now, then I suggest concentrating your efforts on keeping your work situation stable. Like Kraftie said, see if you can just run on instinct to get through algebra and other classes. Try to keep the mask up as much as you can, and take private breaks as you need.

Like it or not, hubby will just have to take up the slack at home. It can't be helped, sometimes you just have to let things go for a while. It sounds like your husband is not doing too bad at dealing with the practicalities of the issue, in that he knows enough to take the kids away for a while. So if you just stick to telling him what you need for now, rather than the details of how you're feeling, that might go down better?

Wishing you a speedy recovery

Just sorting things out...

Today I was able to do better. The daughter complained that she doesn't want to go to school but I just started to talk to her about a plasticine dress she wants to create and kept this conversation until we parted at school in good moods.
I said to my husband: look and learn, this is how you manipulate people.
Yeah, I'm fairly manipulative. It's based on pattern recognizing and totally consious. I decided, it's not something bad if I use it for calming my children and making people feel better. It would be evil if I used it to evil things. Like a knife, it's just a tool.

I'm not a skilled teacher but my students are pretty tolerant, I could go on, even if stimming all the time. Upsides of my faculty, we've had neurodiversity here before it was cool.

My spouse is trying to take some responsibilities from me but there is a deadline ahead of him that he has been procrastinating for the last year. It's worth over 20k$ and closes early in Feb. So he is not in the best shape himself.
I've started to wonder if his stress about it wasn't a big deal of contributing to my state. I have a reflex of calming him exactly the way I calmed our daughter on her way to school. But it uses my resources and I finally ran out of them.

EDIT: Algebra classes done! Stimming like Rain Man but with mind clear enough to deal with Math. The students were nice about it, they were too focused on their upcoming exam to give a damn about my stimming.

Me again.
Two days in empty home after hubby took the children to his parents helped.
But today his parents came.
Started to repair our apartament without asking anyone, when we were absent. Because they are helping
Doing a lot of noise around, shouting at each other and on us and being offended when I told them to stop and leave me alone
I'm all trembling, all my batteries that barely recharged are gone.
Going to my shrink. Wonder what he would say.

I know how you feel.

The noise of renovating apartments always gets me down, and aggravates me.

I would be upset if it wasn't done with my permission.

Thanks, Kraftie, for your reply.
The shrink said painting one's walls without permission is not normal and going mad about it is understandable.
lol.

You should paint the Periodic Table on your walls