Pseudo-dumped, but really hurt.

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So, since September last year I've been seeing this girl. An aspie like me, with a few side issues and a history of dealing with depression and agoraphobia. Despite that, she's really sweet and funny. The good kind of weird, with a morbid streak a mile wide (think an aged-up Wednesday Addams). She lives in another city that's about an hour away by train, so when I say we went on three dates in this time, that isn't to say that's all there was to it; we kept contact nearly daily over texts and the internet. She invites me to Discord servers run by her friends and introduces me to them. She gets me into a few MMOs and makes me drag toons to max level so I can game with her. She talks about summertime, and what we'll do when it comes around. Our third and last date is me staying the night, with a medicine induced migraine being the only reason I don't spend it in, shall we say, much closer proximity. And so I made the mistake to dare to be hopeful, for once.


Now, I have a few anxieties and insecurities of my own, and some of the more pronounced ones pertain to rejection/abandonment, and a somewhat uneven self-image regarding my attractiveness to others. These stem partly from a history of bullying (primarily by girls. Many years ago now, but some scars and all that) and a few painful previous attempts at romance (I once had a girl get up from a rather intimate fondling session, declare her love for someone else and then promptly leaving.). So when I don't hear from her for a week, I start getting a little worried. I figure "it's the holidays, it might be a stressful time for her", and leave her alone. Two weeks. My anxiety builds. I talk to her friends, and they tell me that "yeah, she sometimes just hermits up for a while. Nothing to worry about, just be patient". Very well. Patience. Three weeks. I run a mental tally on all the good signs to keep my spirits up: She was the one who approached me, she introduced me to her friends and to her games, the jokes, the kisses, the fondles, the goddamn bedroom invitation...

After five weeks: "Hey, we need to talk..."


I'm frankly at a loss for words, here. Apparently, my burgeoning relationship with this amazing girl died because of unspecified "things" happening ("I don't want to talk about it") and her desire not to lead me on (little late for that...).
And to top that off, she can't even buckle up the big-girl pants and give me the respect of an actual answer as to why.

I'm mad. I'm sad. I've still got so much affection for this girl, and that's not something you just shut off. But she knows about my history and my anxieties, so for her to end it in this way seems inconsiderate bordering on actively hurtful, and without an actual answer I can't even begin to sort out my feelings on the matter. As it stands, it just feels like a f*****g betrayal.

Or maybe an Aspie, but not like you. It's easy to assume that because we have the same diagnosis as someone else, that we'll have a natural empathy with them. A quick look around WrongPlanet easily shows just how diverse Aspies can really be.


When being out in the non-autistic world exhausts me, I "hermit up" too. It makes me feel guilty because I know it hurts other people's feelings, as your friend has hurt you. But my dissociation from the world and inability to communicate are very profound, and I can only recover from this state by completely isolating myself for a while - from absolutely everyone.

I described this in more detail a little while ago to another member who was in a similar situation in this post <link>.

I've been on WP for years. I spend time with aspies online outside of WP, and in real life as well. So forgive me if I find your suggestion that I just assumed we were alike because we're both aspies less comforting and more patronizing.


And I know about the need to withdraw. I have it, too. That's why I was giving her that consideration. That we'd resume where we left off when she's up for it again. And that's why it feels like such a backstab: I was putting her comfort above my own, and she comes back showing she didn't feel the need to consider my comfort at all.

If I were you, I would just move on.

She might have betrayed you, yes.....but betrayal, unfortunately, is very commonly experienced within the process of finding the "right person." I have been betrayed a few times. I have betrayed people a few times.

I would feel sad, too. I would have felt we had a "good thing going," but that she blew it, and screwed you in the process.

I would begin to seek another person.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Trust me, I have felt this way, too. I felt like going on a big boulevard, and allowing myself to get hit by a car. Fortunately, Sense intervened at the moment where I was about to run in the street.

This sucks Wolfram... she might not have the maturity to deal with this sensitively, or the social abilitiy to maintain a relationship.
Her health difficulties could have influenced her way of ending your relationship.
Many mights, maybes and could ofs, there is no way to know why or even know if there is a reason... I don't think it will help you to dwell on figuring out the motives of someone you felt close to but lacked respect for you in this way.