I just feel like I'm suicidal-angry right now, sans the urge to literally take my own life. I don't want to literally kill myself at all. I just want to say that while some things have improved, I still feel miserable about society and living in it, mostly out of stuff that is outside of my control.
I have issues about:
* Current situation in the world, especially involving North Korea. I still feel the uneasy prospect that we are nearing World War 3 this year or within the next 10 years. It feels like we lost our ability to defend ourselves from extinction or mass catastrophe.
* Political events in general. I feel that there is no way out of the current crises and we are going to continue marching worse until our lives pass.
* Doesn't help either when you feel lonely and single as a male, and have read ideas about feminism making finding dates for guys to be a "lost cause". It's hard to sift through things and try to understand what the majority of groups of people experience in real life or not.
I am also very mad at God for creating me to live on this planet. I grew up with my parents who were Roman Catholic, but for since 8 or 9 years my cynicism and anxiety was kicking in and I did not end up with a job or "adult" life as quickly as my peers my own age. The points above always came back to a main underlying recurring theme since high school. Especially if the rapture does happen soon (speculating, I don't know if it's surely true or not), I just want to avoid God and hate him for giving me life on earth only to whisk me up from it after only 26 years. I wish I didn't have to explain this, but apparently Jesus clearly said in the Bible that there is no marriage or having children with somebody after we end up in Heaven. The only of a few things I have longed for the greatest is the only thing that won't be up there, and God wants us all to be "better than earth" and the "same as everyone else" in Heaven. That's all it is and it's sealed that way. It's not fair. To be frank, I want to slap God really hard or see him suffer the same way I did when he made me alive here and "tricked" me into thinking I will grow up to be awesome.
I totally lost all bond with my parents too. We aren't exactly on permanently bad terms, but they just don't want to see my point of view, despite them saying how much they care about me. If parents really were "loving and supporting" like people say, they wouldn't be annoyed and it wouldn't look so much like a political debate where you are arguing with somebody who appears totally closed off from your point of view. On the other end, I still feel like I lost my only ultimate supporters in life.
I just wish I can snap or get angry at everyone who I talked with while not being judged, seen as an annoying person or that my mom presumes that I "go on about all the same stuff as usual".
It's not fair. I feel as if this society is only going to march forward with more decline and personal losses with no receiving the things I long to have, I'll always be upset. I don't care about the people anymore, they say that I need to accept and stop complaining.
15 Feb 2018, 8:39 pm
