12 years of clinical depression

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I've had depressed spells growing up but I was able to get over them within a week or so. But when I hit 17, I developed full blown clinical depression and it's lasted for nearly 12 years now.

I get up each day feeling negative about my life and going through the day doesn't change anything. Even when I am at work, I think about how I don't have a girlfriend, I never got to play in a rock band, I can't draw or paint anything good, I didn't graduate from college, I don't have many friends, and I can't seem to ever get out of my rut or change things. My head feels horrible and I feel so burned out by the time my shift is done. At night time, I look back on my past and wonder why it was the way it went as well as wishing I would just die. I am stuck in a vicious cycle that keeps winning out and my mind doesn't see any way of breaking out of it.

I never got to play in a rock band; I can't play any instrument at all.

If you can play guitar, you can compose songs (music and lyrics). Girls always seem to like guys with guitars---especially in places like Austin. There were MANY times when I was upstaged by some guy with a guitar.

I can't draw and paint worth a damn, either.

The best way of "getting out of it," to me, is to place "getting a girlfriend" on the back burner. That's the only thing that's worked for me.

That's a long time to endure.. but hey, you've made it this far - and that's something.

I'm curious which treatment methods you may have tried & ruled out over those 12 years?

And also if you have any others in mind you may try next?

Try finding a quote or anything positive that you can see every time you wake up. Example: Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

There are people that have given up a lot sooner and have done less than you so you're already ahead. I often ask myself how I made it this far, but it doesn't matter how. What matters is that you continue live. Find something that gives you joy and look forward to it. Walking is very important as well (or any type of exercise). Hobbies are constructive. Try to focus on positive things that you have done and plan to do. If you can improve your mood, then you will probably have an easier time finding a friend. You will get to where you want to be eventually. Break the cycle. Do your best to not ruminate over the past. One day at a time.

Gonna sound harsh, don't mean it to...

Stop thinking about it all. Nothing else will help. Gotta get better thoughts. Wish I could explain how, but I can't, don't know how I did it. I just did.

(15 years clinical depression + suicide attempt)

Maybe looking back is the problem. When you look back to find answers to the things that bother you, it doesn't help much and often makes the future seem worse. But your past shouldn't dictate your future. For example, you say that you didn't graduate college, but you have found a job, which is an achievement even if it doesn't feel like it.

Find a way to get it all these thoughts, no matter what they are or how you feel about them, out of your head in a healthy and comfortable way for yourself. Also focus your mind also on things you enjoy doing; if you used to like drawing or painting, try them again or if you want to play music give that a go. You haven't got loads of friends or found a girlfriend yet, but that could change. Maybe use your interests to find people with things in common to you.

Don't rush things, take one step at a time, but don't just sit alone with your thoughts. The past has gone, its not going to change, but the future is ahead and can be.

Hope this helps in some way

I've tried several things over the years with varying degrees of success until I finally figured out what truly worked for me (It was actually biochemical, but it wasn't pharmaceuticals that worked. It was a mineral deficiency that allowed excess food acids (salicylate acids) to build up and mess with my brain, essentially. Replace the minerals (magnesium & sulphur; epsom salts on my skin), eliminate the acids, think & feel infinitely better.), but along the way the single most valuable book I read & recommend to anyone this situation is:

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New ... 0380810336

There's a reason it's sold more than 4 Million copies by 2008 & is so highly rated by those who read it. It's also been clinically proven to be at least as effective as taking pharmaceuticals for depression & anxiety - just by reading it and doing the written exercises in the back of the book. It's the best "starting point," for truly understanding the workings of the mind & thoughts as they pertain to depression and anxiety. It's also available in audibook format if you'd prefer to listen vs. read.

I've been on various medications, went to a gym for many years, gave in to social pressure to join a bible study (Which was really more of a 'bromance' group atleast as far as the males in the group were concerned and there were hardly any females nor were they interested in being friends with me), tried joining social groups but they were generally full of old people, and I've been a part of an Aspergers support group which I really only go out of habit to now because even in the group there are sub-divisions. The higher functioning people will sit around each other while the lower functioning people will do the same with each other or stay around their parents. It was helpful for a few years but the number of higher functioning people in it decreased and it started catering more to the lower functioning people so I started feeling like the odd man in the group.

I really don't have any goals. Throughout the day, I am constantly thinking about how far behind I am, how I've failed at everything I've tried, and how I am locked out from the world in terms of social life. My head feels hot often, my energy level is generally low, and I don't know what to focus on.

It's good to read you've tried several things over those 12 years vs. just simply accepted depression as it is as if it cannot be treated. Sounds like the things you've tried so far haven't quite worked out ideally for you. Are you open to learning & doing different things to see if they help? Many people here have found success in treating their depression (including myself) & there are certainly entire threads dedicated to it. It's one of those things, IMO, that's worth tackling again and again in different ways until you find something that works for you.

I would be open to new things but they need to be realistic and within reason. Someone tried to suggest some very unrealistic things to me and insisted they would work despite how I made it clear I live in the Bible Belt. Her ideas were things like finding the "stoners", dancing with wiccans, and going to a barter fair. The "stoners" in my area are largely rednecks and hip hoppers, two groups I do not mesh with at all and they rule the social scene in my area in their own ways. Wicca is not a common practice here; it's actually treated with hostility and there are no local groups in my area either so I can't dance with them. I've never heard of a barter fair before. Most people in my area consider themselves to be Christian and generally do not look upon non-Christians favorably. They think you might be gay or "Satanic". Both rednecks and hip hoppers have called me "fa***t" or "homo" and displays of emotion are a huge no-no in their eyes.

Nah, I mean actual proven methods. Reading books/learning, counselling, self administered counselling/written exercises, medicine/supplements, diet & exercise, meditation & other methods to focus the mind and so on.. not just simply surrounding yourself with different people as if that's going to be some sort of panacea, no.

I am unfortunately losing my therapist that I've had since 2011 and I try meditating when it comes to mind but my social isolation, disappointments in pretty much everything in my life, and feeling like my time/life is running out still makes me feel down.

I may have the solution but it might not be what you like:

Forget the women. I understand your mind is convinced that you need a girlfriend to feel whole and happy but the fact is that the women these days want nothing more out of you than money to support them and get them kid that they can claim for them self after winning settlement by just being a woman. It is EXTREMELY unlikely a woman would want you for any other reason than these unless you are a Brad Pitt pretty much.

Focus on yourself. Forget the women. We are unfortunately living in a period of time where women believe they should have everything without doing anything for it and as men the best we can do is ignore them completely and let them understand the impossibility of the current situation.