Another Frustrating Bout of Depression

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It's me again, and...honestly, this time, I'm just so fed up with everything recently. I know it gets irritating that all I ever post about on here is how much I feel like my life sucks, but...

I've felt awful. I feel like I'm gonna be stuck here in my damn house for the rest of my life. I haven't felt like leaving my house at all. I've been growing irritable and combative toward everyone in my house. I'm told to try and lift my weight around the house when I can't motivate myself to do anything (that and I think that I might have Dependent Personality Disorder and Work Aversion Disorder). I've been getting into more and more fights with my family, which have broken out into physical fights. My mother has been freaking out over minor things and is continuing to treat me and my sister like children, even though we're adults, which even includes the man she loves, whom she's been waiting for almost two years or more for him to move to Indiana to live with us (and she's getting mad because nobody else is willing to help clean the house even though it should be obvious that I simply can't function properly). I've been going to a behavioral therapist to help me through this, but I haven't been doing anything she asks me to do and she's starting to grow concerned that nothing she's suggesting is working. I've been offered medicine to try and help treat my depression, but I've worried about the side effects of a lot of them and I haven't been taking them at all. It's become easier for me to get angry and I hardly think about stopping myself when I get started or I'm about to get started on launching off into an anger-fueled rant or worse.

I haven't felt like doing anything other than sit in front of the computer. I can't urge myself to remember any place worth visiting. I can't urge myself to play Fate/Grand Order at the same pace that I used to. I can't urge myself to play my new Nintendo Switch or all of the new games I got for Christmas. I can't urge myself to draw and write (things that I've loved to do for a long time). Hell, I can barely even bring myself to keep up on my personal hygine at this point.

I've been so scared of going out into public. I'm scared that I might get pissed off and hurt somebody and get arrested. I'm scared of the world that I live in because of how drastically it has changed and how it feels like you have to conform or be ridiculed and put on blast. I'm scared because I've allowed myself to be consumed by all of these fears where I had no problems being out in public before. I'm scared because I haven't allowed myself to try and work at any chances of improving myself and I don't have any idea how I can escape this. And I'm scared to become a writer and artist because I'm afraid nobody will like my work.

I barely have any friends; the few that I did have I've lost contact with over the years and I only ever really talk to one or two of them over Skype and I'm nervous about making more. And as of recent, I feel like I just can't talk to my mother any more because she's scaring me and I just really don't like how she demands everyone to follow her, especially when she gets angry. And even if I were to foster friendships or even romantic relationships, I'm still terrified of approaching anyone because I'm worried I'll keep f*****g up or shooting myself down and constantly throwing self-pity parties (or getting pissed at them and hurting them) that I'll drive away people who might want to stick around me.

...But worse is that now I'm having thoughts of suicide, because at this point, I'm so far down and uncertain if I'll ever recover (or if I'll even be willing to make the honest effort) that suicide is beginning to look like the preferable option. But even then, my fear of death, intolerance to pain and my hopes that the situation can improve (and my hopes that I'll eventually achieve my dreams) prevents me from even attempting it.

I'm just...completely lost and I don't know what to do. All this has done is damage me to the point where I'm losing the will to do anything productive...or anything in general. ...I need some kind of help or support...something...anything. ...Please.

It's normal to loose motivation when depressed. Which is bad because then you get more depressed not getting anything done.

So mom is with a new guy who is not your dad? If so I bet there is a lot of tension because honestly you are not his kid. What he wants is a life with your mom and she probably wants to be done being a mom too. That might sound mean she's a person too. She might be sticking up for you with this guy but he is wearing her down. Maybe he is not the type to believe your issues are even real so he thinks you need to leave her home. Mom loves you both and has to pick basically.

Have you tried talking to him man to man? Try to give him some perspective. Say something like "look we both love the same women. So let's try to team up and help her. I know I'm an adult and I am doing my best to be independent. But I do have conditions and I need some help right now". He might not respect that but you should try. I mean this guy could be around a while. If he's not a total ass try to get to know him.

If you feel you have anger issues I think it's good you are trying to stay away from people. Not that you should do that forever by any means. But to be a good friend you might have to deal with those issues and understand that otehr people might not like to be around it. But at the dame time it's OK to be mad when things are not. You sound you are dealing with some things and it's normal to feel angry when you do. But it's also normal to not feel angry for no reason when you feel those issues are gone. Loneliness is depressing so do not be afraid to try and make a friend when you are ready.

You can chat online with a suicide hotline. I have done that before because it was just easier than talking. Maybe otehr autistic people feel the same. But PLEASE talk to someone if you really feel like killing yourself.

@ Mr_Miner

Oh, definitely. It's frustrating that there's so much I want to do and yet I feel like I just can't do anything... It's hard to stay active when I feel so trapped.

It's not that he's a jerk or anything; he's actually quite nice, loves my mother for her and has demonstrated that he's willing to help out around the house and everything. The problem is that my mother's been flying off the handle at the most minor inconvenience and she's even rebelling against Matt (the aforementioned new love) when that happens. It's happened twice so far and I'm kind of worried about what it means.

I admit, I haven't talked to him often, but I'm hoping to eventually talk to him when Mom isn't present (because at this point, I'm starting to doubt/fear her) about this.

Yeah, try staying away from people when you're always stuck with three other people in the house at all times. I wish I could get control over this anger and calm down before I make a situation worse, but I haven't even taken the initiative to do so. I just...really want to get on with my life and start trying to work toward something better, but I'm so afraid of everything, including myself, that I just don't know how to even begin... It doesn't help that I have to depend on my mother for everything.

Right... I just...haven't been well at all because of all of this.

Here's my contribution. You work with whoever is providing you with antidepressants on finding one that likely best suits your needs, and then you start TAKING IT! And when you start taking it, expect it to take 3 to 4 weeks before it even begins to help you. Even then, the dosage will likely need to be upped because you start at minimum dosage. Basically, you could be looking at 3 to 4 months before you're pulled out of depression and somewhat further before you really start to feel in control.

There's nothing wrong with needing help to get out of depression. Things can build up in life and you can have a feeling that you're "trapped". Sometimes your brain needs help to pull out of depression.

Another thing I'd highly recommend is getting a cardio workout. This will seem hard to pull off for the first 2 weeks or so, especially when depressed. However, you'll eventually start to get some endorphins to pump into the brain about 15 to 30 minutes after the workout. Also, a cardio workout combined with antidepressants makes for an excellent combination. The cardio workout will reduce the chances of side effects, and boost the positive effects of the antidepressants.

Also, how's your diet? Are you eating plenty of protein? Are you eating a good share of fruits and vegetables every day? Do you take a vitamin supplement? You need to also make sure you are getting enough iron and vitamin B12. You want to eliminate the possibility that your depression is being driven by anemia.

Good diet, exercise, antidepressants. You do those three, and you'll likely find that *gasp* you feel hope and positive feelings. Those will drive you to find ideas to improve your life circumstances, and move towards finding some solutions to take control of your life.

Right now you feel like you can't get out of your situation. That's just negative feelings. You take care of yourself and yourself will take care of you. That last sentence technically makes no sense, but it also does and sounds cool, LOL. Please keep us up to date!

@ AspieSingleDad

I'll have to keep all of this advice in mind.

I'm not currently on anti-depressants because I'm not entirely sure what would work best for me. ...Granted, I haven't been trying any because I'm worried what they'll do to my body, but I guess that's why I have to experiment and see what works.

Well, my mother and I did used to go to the gym to work out a bit, but we haven't been since a few years ago and money has been pretty tight since then, so unfortunately that's been kind of a bust. I don't know of any cardio workouts I could do.

My diet has been consisting mostly of microwavable foods and other not exactly healthy junk...not exactly good for me in body and in mind. Plus, I don't really think I'm taking any vitamins to boost whatever I may need. As far as eating healthy goes, it just doesn't seem to happen anywhere near often enough (and I kinda feel I'm partly to blame for not asking my mother for buying me anything to eat that's healthy).

But seriously, thank you for all of these suggestions. I'm hoping that this should help me out somewhere along the line. I'll do my best to make sure I try and keep everyone up to date on my status and I really hope I'll recover.

As far was what antidepressants do to your "body", they really just have influence on your brain. Regardless of the medication. you take, it's pretty much the same principal. The most popular are SSRIs because they have the least side effects, but are still extremely effective antidepressants. The main neurotransmitter of your brain that influences. your mood is serotonin.

Right now what happens if your brain will generate serotonin and eventually reabsorb that serotonin back into your brain, and process called reabsorption. an SSRI will prevent that reabsorption from taking place so that your brain can build up serotonin in order to improve your overall mood and sense of well being.

As for gyms, do you have a planet fitness in your area? That runs $10 per month.

Come to think of it, I think I might've taken citalopram, but I'm not sure if it was messing with my memory or not...which ultimately lead me to stop taking it out of fear that I was going to start forgetting things. Maybe I was just extremely unlucky or I just need a different SSRI?

Still, your knowledge of this stuff is really impressive. Thank you for all that you are doing.

As for the Planet Fitness thing, yes, we do have one in our area. Mom keeps making mention of how she wants to get us going back there, but it never seems to happen. I always just assumed it was because money was tight or something, but it might be another reason entirely. I don't really know yet.

Sorry, don't know how I missed your post up until now.

I'm not an expert on SSRIs or anything, but I don't have to be. Just have to recommend the stuff, not invent it LOL.

Planet Fitness is pretty much $10 per month pretty much everywhere it is. Do you have the ability to travel on your own or anything? I feel like if you wait for your mom, you won't get results. Hopefully I'm not coming across as pushy, just concerned. I hate to see people stuck and feeling hopeless when there is hope.

Why no driver's license? Is this due to functional issues, or just lack of motivation, or something else?

I haven't been in a car accident in over 23 years of driving. I think that getting a diagnosis of autism early is an inherent advantage that allows you to learn about yourself, but unfortunately it also allows you to place yourself into a stereotype that may be unfair to you as well. Autistic people have poor motor skills and are clumsy, yadda, yadda, yadda. If somebody taught you to drive well, you'd be fine. You could always look into a driving school.

The anger thing is certainly a valid concern. I have anger issues because of fear and anxiety, I'm not going to lie. But I've been able to keep that under control when people have wronged me on the road (which has lead to some hilariously emotional responses from many of those drivers).

Look, there are some autistic people who can't drive due to issues with motor skills or because of impaired interpretations of sensory information. It's not likely you'd be one of those people. And I hope I'm not coming across as preachy, or that I'm ragging on you, or that I'm contradicting everything you say. That's not where I'm coming from. I'm sincerely concerned, and my instinct is you are placing limitations on yourself that are selling your actual abilities short.

Don't put yourself into a box metaphorically speaking (or literally, you might suffocate).

Good, I'm glad you don't think that. Maybe you can take an inventory of your needs and make a long term plan. Don't be trying to make all of these changes at the same time. Maybe just work on a couple of things. I'd really suggest you start by taking some medication that will help with depression. Then I'd suggest working on some exercise. Once you do that, I think you'll find your head is may clearer and you are thinking more positively and coherently and you'll be able to work towards other goals.

You can't build Rome in a day. Besides, if you start working towards long term goals, you'll be too distracted to be depressed. That's been my experience for the most part (with a few road blocks along the way).

What short term goal can you set for yourself? For example, you could go to a gym (find a way) and try it out. Maybe set a goal of working out for 30 minutes. I don't know. I'm sure there's some low-hanging fruit you can pick. Maybe schedule a visit with a psychiatrist and tell him about your struggles.....