Venting here so I'm not tempted to say anything to my mom.

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Pretty super f*****g pissed off with my older brother right now.

My mom told me she volunteered myself, my twin brother, and our older brother to be pallbearers for her mother's funeral. (She passed on Thursday the 5th, she was 96.) My cousin and her fiancee, too, and we still need at least one more - it'll get sorted out. I messaged my brothers. My older brother said he'd be honoured. My twin brother just said "K" - he's fine with it, I know. We did the same for our other grandmother a handful of years back.

Then my older brother texts to say he will be out of town Fri-Sun. I already knew why but pretended I didn't and asked if it was for work. "No." Medical treatment? No.. he messages to say they have a camping trip planned with their kids that they've already paid for. (Boyscouts, he and his fiancee are leaders.)

Our aunt was over so I asked her what the Church had said about when the service could be scheduled. It'll either be next Friday or the following Tuesday, depending on the priest's availability - we don't get to choose. Also, it was grandma's wish to not have her funeral service delayed for out of town guests to arrive.. if they could make it, great, if not, oh well - she wanted her service to be asap and then to be buried. I relayed that to my brothers. My older brother said if the schedule conflicts he won't be at the funeral.

WTF?

He says he has to be there to monitor his son's diabetes. His son's diabetes does need to be monitored by more than just his ADD self, but there are other responsible adults trained to do so. I told him the solution is very simple: If the schedule conflicts, send the kids off to camp with other responsible adults like every other parent and attend your grandmother's funeral.

His response was that she died, his kids are living and grandma wouldn't have wanted kids to be let down for a funeral blah blah. Um, you take like 10-20 camping trips per year. Your grandmother died. Your mother is still alive and she is grieving and it IS important that you attend. I also told him that it won't only be me who percieves his choice as disrespectful and thinks his priorities are twisted. I made it loud and clear that it would be VERY hurtful towards our mother.

f*****g guy lives 2 blocks away and we almost never see or hear from him or his blended family. My mom isn't perfect, but his fiancee (a high school flame) is a total b***h towards both of my parents and due to the things she's said about each of them I don't have much respect for her. I am civil with her, though, and do not express my dislike for what she's said about my parents. Between them they have 6 kids, 5 that live with them, so they are busy people but it's their petty rifts with family that make it so we only see each other at thanks giving and christmas dinners etc. He moved here to be close to our parents for his son's sake, and his ex wife bought a townhouse several blocks away for the same reasons. Everyone can be in the same room together and s**t doesn't hit the fan, but there are certainly rifts and disagreements.

This is the first time I've personally been super pissed off with his choices. I also know that he's on the spectrum himself but refuses to acknowledge it or learn anything about it - much the same with my twin brother and others, and so I was very clear, concise, and direct with my communication with him so there's absolutely no mistaking what I think and feel about it Or the fact that his decision will likely hurt our mother deeply. What a f*****g as*hole. I read the text messages to my dad and his reaction was that he was kinda floored by it and as sad as it is he was kinda like "Whatever, f**k them," (not his words, that's me paraphrasing.) because he's just so done with their stupidity over family things and my brother siding with his sometimes-batshit-crazy fiancee over things that she's clearly wrong about. (One would think he would want to maintain a better relationship with our father that we all know is dying of cancer. Bizarre! My dad doesn't like his choices, but knows he's siding with his fiancee on things because he's the one who has to live with her and he's trying his best to make things work with her and all the kids.)

I'm not going to send him another message about it besides the actual scheduled time of the funeral. If it's the following Tuesday, okay, prioritization crisis averted. But in a way I almost hope the priest says it must be Friday just to force him into a final decision and action. I truly hope if it is Friday that he does change his mind and realizes it should be a priority for him to attend his grandmother's funeral, for our mother's sake, vs. go on another boyscout camping trip - even if it is a big once a year camp.. so-the-fuck-what? There will be many other camping trips. Our mother needs us with her Now. f*****g dick.

edit: My twin brother was copied on all messages, too. I knew he was still part of the convo since I messaged him at the same time. Good. I'm glad he knows what I think about this. He won't likely say a WORD to me about it to me, and probably won't say anything to our older brother, either - but I kind of hope he does. Also, my nephew is like ~12.5 years old, not 3 or anything. Plus his step mom is trained in diabetes monitoring and his bio mom is a RN. (although she will likely attend the funeral unless she cannot take time off work.) I really do hope that this was just a momentary lapse of clueless Aspie judgement on my brother's part and he gets his priorities realigned with what's expected of him. If it is Friday and he opts not to attend it's going to further divide him and our parents, as well as him and I. I know it.

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds pretty stressful and I know you are very disappointed with your brother’s actions. Honestly, I can’t blame you.

Just being that impartial third party. Do you think perhaps your brother has alexithymia? If so, he might be trying to avoid or run away from the situation for reasons he might not even understand. I’m not sure I’d the same thing, but I’ve run away from emotional family situations in the past because I just couldn’t handle it. And, I didn’t really understand my actions other then I wanted to avoid the situation at all costs.

I’m not trying to make an excuse, just wondering if this could perhaps be a possibility.

I don't think so, but I can't be certain. I think he's just being a f*****g as*hole. The only real question is whether he's doing it intentionally because of the rift between him and his fiancee and our parents, or whether its unintentional and he's actually completely ignorant of how hurtful that choice would be to our mother & how others would perceive it if he went on a boyscout camping trip instead of attending our grandmother's funeral. I would be FAR from the only one who thought it was a dick move. Most others probably wouldn't say much, but then again, we're a family full of undiagnosed & unaware Aspies with a variety of traits, IQ's, and functioning levels.. so someone else might speak their mind and let it be known that they thought he was very disrespectful for not attending.

As for alexithyma, I recall a time half my life ago when I struggled to find the words to describe the emotion I was feeling when I was asked by a colleague. (in hindsight it was an anxiety attack) It may be possible that I suffer from this to some extent. It may be possible that others in my family do, too. Of anyone in my immediate family I might expect my twin brother to opt out of something to do with death or dying because he really dislikes anything to do with it - he can barely handle visiting anyone in a hospital and will only do so when it's likely the last chance to visit them before they die. He did come up and see grandma with me a week or so ago, that was nice.

Meanwhile, on Thursday, I was there in the room with my grandmother's body for 5 hours before someone from the funeral home was able to come and collect her. It doesn't bother me. She just looked like she was in a deep sleep, but completely still. I stayed in the room as she was transferred to a cart and covered up and rolled out, too. It was the first time I'd ever seen a dead body in my life, but I figured if something like that was going to bother me then I should seriously reconsider my plans to return to University and spend all my time and money for the better part of a decade to make it into and through medical school.

If anyone in the family was going to skip the funeral I would think it might be my mom's younger brother as he doesn't attend social functions pretty much ever. Not for decades. I don't think he dislikes people so much as he just can't handle being around them. I remember he would come to watch some of my softball games as a young teenager, but from outside the outfield fence, and then he'd leave without talking to anyone. Definitely due to social anxiety vs. not liking anyone. But apparently he was at the funeral home this morning with the rest of their siblings making arrangements, so, maybe he will attend. I hope he does. One of my cousins doesn't Want to attend, but she said she will. My diabetic nephew I mentioned earlier said he doesn't really want to go, but he will if he's forced to - he just doesn't want to view the body. That's fine. My oldest God daughter (15) wants to attend and I'm to make sure to pick her up from the group home she lives in and get her there. Pretty sure everyone else wants to attend that can, as well.

There are people in the family who have a REALLY difficult time being around other people, I get that, but I do hope they all attend. My older brother isn't the most social person in the world, but he's not antisocial either. He works in federal law enforcement as a Customs & Immigration Officer at the border and is a firearms instructor for them. He's around people all the time. He's visited sick people and attended many funerals. It definitely has nothing to do with that and everything to do with being an as*hole; I'm just not sure whether he's doing it intentionally or unintentionally. I gave him a blast in my text messages so he knows full well what I think about it and will hopefully change his mind about his priorities.

Who knows, maybe the priest will say the following Tuesday is when he can do the service? Only time will tell.

One of my sisters is much the same way, with the exception of the fact that she will meet most of the family obligations she doesn't want to meet (typically after some degree of pressure), however, she will make it very unpleasant while simultaneously denying that she doesn't want to do it.

If your brother is on the spectrum, and it isn't just a case of him not wanting to go to the funeral, it might help to explain to him that it's important he attend the funeral because doing so would be an expression of moral support for your mother, and not doing so would communicate to people that he doesn't care and doesn't hold family as sacred. It would be a big social faux pas.

In my family, people miss weddings all the time, but no one misses funerals unless they didn't know about them.

That's the thing, it's not like he's made a habit of skipping major family functions. Minor ones, the last couple years, sure, like they've opted to do their own thing for a few holidays with their immediate family only or with her side of their family because of tension etc, but he hasn't skipped out on anything, really.

He's on the spectrum, but very mildly. He doesn't have to have things like this explained to him afaik. This is the first time I can recall that he's ever said anything so monumentally stupid about skipping a family event. Regardless of what I assume he already knows, I will likely send civil text messages and tell him. BTW, I swore a lot in my posts here and I said I gave him a blast via text - I was blunt and let him know what I think, but was polite/civil and did not swear at him or anything.

I just can't believe he could be so unbelievably STUPID so as to think that this was acceptable behaviour towards our mother and her family & not realize how disrespectful and hurtful it will be perceived as, especially by our mother. He knows damned well our mother doesn't cope well with some things and that she's going to have a rough time of life right now. f*****g guy may as well just kill grandma over again if his plan isn't to attend her funeral, really. THAT's the point I'd like to drive home to him about how hurtful it would be to our mother if he doesn't attend grandma's funeral so he can go to camp with his son and step sons. It's nice he has a blended family and he's trying to make it work and all that blah blah but for him to choose a boyscout camp over his own grandmother's funeral.. WTF? I don't get where his thought processes are at AT ALL and how he can't possibly see the slap in the face this will be to mom. We KNOW he chooses his fiancee and step kids over maintaining a respectful relationship with our parents already, but THIS? This is beyond rude.

I'm swearing and pissed off here. But if it's scheduled for Friday I'm going to have to be careful to communicate it to him in a way that he'll read it and get the message loud and clear that he should attend w/o being unnecessarily rude/offensive/insulting to him even though he might deserve it. Maybe I'll ask him if he thinks it would be appropriate for his son to miss his grandmother's (our mother's) funeral. Dumb f**k. If it is Friday, then attend the funeral and drive up to the camp to meet everyone a few hours late or w/e. You have two cars and can afford the gas ffs.

I could just f*****g slap him right now. But he's bigger than me and pretty strong & has police use of force training and handcuffs and stuff.

I seem to recall that one of the mission objectives of Boy Scouts was to teach values, and I think he would be setting a horrible example for the children as far as that goesvto not show up for the funeral if your mother wants him there.

Wow. I guess I must be the bad guy, too. I skipped my stepfather's funeral as well as my mother and father's funeral. In fact, I'm so avoidant when it comes to these kinds of functions that I've also missed all my sibling's marriages. My reasoning? I don't do social groups.

@goldfish21 - Sorry for your loss.

I think, especially since they're leaders, that they have to be there, they can't pass off the camping trip to another adult. They'd have to cancel the trip altogether, which would disappoint all the other kids, plus they do stuff during the camping that fulfills requirements to get badges (I was in Girl Scouts, so forgive my wording, it may be called something different in Boy Scouts). Sorry, but I think in this case the obligation is to the kids and not to be at a funeral.

Agreed. No one has mentioned this to mom - there's no point, yet, especially since we don't know if it will be Friday or the following Tuesday.

It's beyond weird to me that we even have to tell him that she wants him there.. she volunteered him as a pallbearer as she obviously simply ASSUMES that all 4 of her children, who live right here in the same area, will be attending their grandmother's funeral.

Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but I intend to drive home the point to my brother that others will expect him there, too. His aunt and uncles and cousins will likely think he's rude and disrespectful. Besides that, our mother will be so deeply hurt and EMBARRASSED that she has to explain to dozens of her family members & friends that her son skipped grandma's funeral to go camping. How utterly ridiculous!

But that's you. He's not like that. It wouldn't be the norm for him and thus unacceptable.

Thank you.

Respectfully disagree. That's not how it works. There was no mention that without his presence that the camp would be canceled. Adults have other obligations sometimes. Sometimes they get sick. When one leader doesn't go, the camp still goes on - either with one fewer adults, or with an alternate attending. They've never had to cancel a camp before because one leader couldn't make it. They simply adapt to change and carry on.

I'm thinking about preemptively messaging my brother to drive home the points of why he should be there to pay his respects vs. waiting to find out the scheduled date/time of the service.

Mom needs all of our support right now - she'll get through this, but she's very emotional and doesn't process these things as stoically as our father or ourselves.
Mom will feel very hurt & disrespected if he doesn't attend.
Mom will be deeply embarrassed by her eldest son not coming.
Most, if not all, of the rest of us will have similar feelings towards him.
Most, if not all, of the rest of the family will feel he's disrespected his deceased grandmother, too.

He goes on 10-20 camping trips per year, grandma's funeral is only once.
His fiancee, ex-wife, and others are trained to monitor his son's diabetes. (plus he's on an insulin pump bionic man style, so the monitoring is minimal compared to those who need to manually test blood sugars & inject insulin via a syringe)
He can send the kids with other responsible adults.
He can take his other car and arrive to the camp late if necessary - he can afford the gas.
Kids still have school so he won't be leaving until after school anyways, and the funeral service may be in the morning.
This will further divide him and our parents - especially our mother.
I may also ask him if he thinks it would be acceptable or appropriate for his son to miss his grandmother's, our mother's, funeral.
His lack of attendance may anger others and distract them from paying their respects.
Our family tends to hold grudges & some never forgive. This would create one of those scenarios for some and he would risk alienating others from his life for the rest of his/theirs.

Anything else obvious or critical I might be missing? Feel free to comment/ask/add. If I send him such a message I want it to be a comprehensive one shot deal - type it, send it, let him read it and process the information, and then at least whatever decision he makes will be an informed one.

Attendance of social events is a form of expression of caring and dedication and failing to attend family social events regularly diminishes the strength of ones link to the family.

Scheduling conflict avoided, prayers next Tuesday funeral Wednesday.

Messaged my brother that along with a very brief statement that crisis averted, no need for me to say anything more about how hurtful and disrespectful it would be for him not to attend.

He responded to that bit and told me to drop my holier than thou attitude about his choices and priorities. He also said he made alternate arrangements to join the camp late if he had to.

I told him to get a clue about how disrespectful & hurtful it would be to others if he didn’t attend and that it’s a moot point now that the priest set the date.

Neither of us will say another word about it and mom won’t ever have to know about our conversations. I am glad that he did rethink his position and decided to listen to me and make alternate travel plans to catch up with the boyscouts on a later ferry to whatever island their camp is on. Not because I want to be right and him wrong, but because I think he genuinely took my words into consideration and realized the importance of his presence to our mother (and others) despite their relationship rifts.

Last edited by goldfish21 on 09 Apr 2018, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

First, goldfish, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are accepting your grandmother's death in a way that is direct and healthy.

Second, an observation if I may. You do get invested in other people's behavior, feeling that you know what is right for them and they are (expletives) if they don't comply with your expectations. Not sure what this says about you, but I find it kind of offputting. I, too, come from a family riddled with autism, depression, addictions, narcissism, and what have you. I'm sure I have pissed off various members. My response has been largely to distance myself from these people who are antagonistic to me, and to accept those who are accepting toward me.

Everybody grieves and handles death, and change, in a different way. Try to remember this as you interact with family.

He's not one of the family members that "can't," handle being around a crowd at a funeral service and thus gets no special break or leeway on the matter from me. Not one bit.

Grieving in a different way is fine. Disrespecting your mother and her family and your deceased grandmother by going camping instead of to her funeral isn't fine. Now, had grandma's wishes been for whoever was able to spend time camping instead of attending her funeral to do so, that would be a different story. Instead she wished for her family to all get along & hoped that all of her children (and by extension, her grandchildren) would attend her funeral and be civil with each other as they pay their respects.

There's nothing other to call someone with such disrespectful priorities than expletives. He earned the names I called him in this thread by his words and actions.

For the record, just in case you didn't read it earlier in this thread, I didn't swear at him or call him names or any such thing in my text messages to him because that wouldn't help anything in real life. I called him those things here in this thread as I vented about his decisions and how ridiculous I think his priorities and justifications are.