i Regret Who I Was

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As I become more self aware of my own symptoms around this aspie thing, I notice all the stupid mistakes I made when I was younger. Even just a year ago. Jeez. I was a lot less socially aware. A lot less emotionally aware. A lot less self aware.

I regret some of the stupid things I said that hurt people without me knowing. I regret some of the stupid interpretations of people that took things too literally. I regret being too emotional about things. I regret not being able to trust people as well.

I’ve been misunderstood over and over. By others and myself. I wish I was aware of how boundaries worked like now and defended myself. I wish I didn’t see other people as black and white as I did then.

I just can’t shake the idea that I’m a terrible person for not trying hard enough then, and to some extent now. I can’t forgive myself.

The thing is, this happens to everyone, AS or not. There isn't anyone anywhere who can say they have NEVER done anything socially embarrassing and totally regret it later on. Everyone has tripped over their own words; everyone has made social mistakes that they later lay in bed at 2 in the morning kicking yourself for your poor choice in words. Literally EVERYONE has done that so you're in good company.

Be a bit kinder to yourself. The point is you learn from it and move on, and remember not to make that mistake again.

You seem a really self-aware person to me. That puts you in a minority - a good minority.

Most self-aware people become self-aware by screwing up - it's the human pattern.

I think of all the stupid things I did when I was younger, and a lot of missed opportunities to do better, and it really hurts in a lot of ways. It even gives me a headache when I think of it too much, so I'm trying hard to think of the present and future.

I have also felt guilty and sorry for the terrible things I have said in the past (without being aware). But you can't change the past. Since you are aware of you mistakes, the good news is that you can change.

I think you can change only if you can forgive yourself.

I have much improved by trying one little improvement every day. Once the improvement becomes automatic, I choose the next one. I keep all changes as an automatic social program gently running at the back of my head. I even now sometimes feel confortable in some social situation.

But I am still making some big mistakes. Sometimes it is hard to forgive yourself because on thing you say can ruin all your efforts. Then I remember that NTs also make mistakes, other mistakes, and don't seem to be extremely sorry or guilty for it.

Hey, thank you all of you.

I guess I've always been too harsh on myself. Let's say I learned it from a parent. I grew up with the internet around and I guess it's easier to be hard on myself when some of the things I said even under the age of 10 might be still out there online. Well, I guess you can't avoid that. I can only learn about speaking up more by talking to people. I just wish people would have been less harsh with my mistakes growing up. I didn't know what I was doing.

No one really was there to tell me I did a good job, or told me how I progressed well then. I bet I'll still regret it. I've spent too much time in the last 6 months trying to forget and asking people over and over. But it gets better really.

It gets better.

I think it's a pretty common & normal process to go through this sort of reflective thinking after diagnosis. But you do have to learn to forgive yourself and move forward.

I didn't know my diagnosis until I was nearly twice your age.. so I had twice as long to make way more mistakes to think back over. At least you have the luxury of learning all of this stuff at a younger age so you can make the most of yourself sooner!

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

This is the curse of lacking social intuition and being a highly analytical person.
You just have to let it go, and move on.

The good thing is, that it gets alot better as you get older. You start to identify behaviors to avoid, and use your analytical mindset to make up for what you lack in natural intuition.

I noticed that things got better for me when I made a conscious effort to change. I am working now to move forward from my current level, which is vastly improved from the situation I was in about seven years ago. I haven't made any dramatic surges forward in the last couple of years, but I have made many more important social connections. I have changed a lot from the weird girl I was growing up. My main challenge is now to become fully independent.