I want to have a long, harsh talk with God one day

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I'm not going to bother with why right now, I have always believed God exists but lately am very angry at him. I want to have a long, harsh talk with him after I die and see him, and I might just want to enjoy his eternal kingdom as a near-hermit or be put out of existence at all.

I believe in the creator of this reality but not God in the religious sense. I dont know why we are here. It could be to learn. It could be a test of some sort or it could be because we were not ready to transend to the next level yet so we come here to drain our spiritual batteries. Perhaps its all of the above and thensome.

I think this reality is an illusion.

Any God who created a reality with so much suffering is evil.

You might be right. Buddhists call the earth plane a lower hell. So the creator of this reality could be evil.

I can understand any anger you'd have towards God. I'm not a believer in God (used to be years ago), but for somebody who believes in God, they could have some legitimate gripes with Him/Her. It'd be my hope that you can find some happiness in your life and make peace with God. That's my wish for you, for what it's worth.

I don't know if I ever will/want to make total 100% peace anymore (I still may talk to him as a sort of in-the-heat of things), I have experienced growing up in doctrine and even once actually loved God, but all I see now is the extent of suffering today both personally and in society, and God hasn't and never will change the course of the physical universe. Also, one of the things I really long for in this life if I wasn't as behind in life, is to meet a beautiful woman and get married, have kids with her. Ditto for it being already as stacked against anyone because of first-world problems in this life. But "Jesus clearly says in the Bible that we won't be married, and procreation is no longer needed up there" and extrapolate a whole narrative from there. I know that only a "few Christians" might disagree with that popular doctrine, but why do I want to reconcile what is/n't "true" theology or Christianity?

For what I explained above, I think it is justifiable to continue being angry at God.

I'm not sure where you are reading that Jesus stated people should not marry. I was sort of expecting you to be upset due to having autism and struggling with that. It seems your concern is more about esoteric theological concerns. Honestly, life is too short to get worried about that kind of stuff. If you want to get married, you go for it, and when you do you father many kids if you want to (of course there's an increased risk of autism for any kids you might have).

im doubtful this will occur but if it does send my grievances regarding the law of survival of the fittest and the whole killing each other for food type business. not cool.

I'm not looking for marriage as an absolute goal. I want a relationship or even only date with different people, at least. And yet, according to my background, God only approves saving myself for just one exclusive person for the rest of life. He also disapproves of any man finding "gorgeous-looking women" attractive. It's not that we don't like actual relationships either. There is just nothing wrong with thinking a woman is very sexy or is good-looking.

I am adding here that Christianity and hypothetically God himself sometimes sound like radical feminists in conservative religious dressing. Strangely, this is especially with the Christian Right.

And the culture of dark politics and society is getting even worse and worse every day.

I also get tired of those who do believe only telling me useless platitudes like I don't understand or that I'm evil. I can't reason with those people anymore and makes me feel alone.

If this is the way things are going to be forever in my earth's lifetime, I pray that God will just end it all right now.

I'm not normally one to attempt to turn people away from their religious beliefs. This is because religious beliefs can be an important part of somebody's identify and can play an important role in their ability to cope with a world that's difficult to cope with (neurotypical and autistic alike). But when I read your post, I don't see the positive benefits of your religious beliefs, it's taking a more negative impact on your life.

When I was 18, I wanted to be a pastor of a church and was extremely conservative. I identified as a "born again" Christian. I didn't view my Christianity as a "religion" so much as The Real Truth. So I did the natural thing, I applied to a very conservative Christian school called Harding University. I went there with expectations of being amongst people who were honest, accepting, open, and who adhered to "God's Word". Instead I experienced incredible corruption, frequently lies and deceit, and incredible intolerance. I also witnessed surprised sexuality (people who were having gay experiences but hiding them from those in authority).

That didn't make me lose my faith, but it certainly weakened it. As I got exposed to more people who are "Christians", I found them to actually have less integrity. When they'd not follow the Word of God, they'd have some sort of reason for it. Basically they were people who did wrong but just had a quick answer for it. Now, there were exceptions. There was this youth pastor at my church who had a patient working with youth. He talked countless youth out of suicide and off drugs. He was a beacon of light to young people. He believed in God's Word and he made every effort to follow it. But honesty, that was one of the only people I ever met who came close to meeting that criteria.

So I've come to the realization that my extremely religion teen years which followed into my mid-20's was really just a waste. I simply took religion too literally. When claims were made, I believed them because why would people lie about something like that? The answer to that is money, hypocrisy, and the ability to control people. I think you should challenge your belief in Christianity and really look at it. Hey, maybe you find stuff that improves your faith? Maybe not.

Free will. We created this hell not god. We corrupted his creation. In order to prevent bad things god would have to strip us of our free will.

Sly, I get that it's technically man who is doing all this, not God. But, I just don't know and go crazy about it.