A fellow Aspie needs our help, and is being abused

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So I am friends with a fellow aspie who is biologically female but is transgender and identifies as male. He likes to go by Marcus. He is 20 years old and has Asperger's. His parents have done everything possible to make sure he cannot leave the home and be self sufficient. They never taught him how to drive a car, they with hold his birth cert and SSN card. They remain attached to his bank account. He lives in New Jersey in Trenton. He wants out so badly but they won't even let him have a job. His dad still refers to him as a female and makes sexual comments all the time. Once, they invited the grandfather over to remove his breast binder and take him out for a "proper bra" to be purchased and then wear it instead. They do not acknoledge that he is a legal adult and have physically stopped him from leaving. The police will not intervene and say its a domestic family matter. He has no way to make money. I sent him a Metro PCS Cell Phone, an LG Stylo 3 Plus, but I cannot keep paying the bill on it and will soon lose contact with in a few weeks. He is capable of living on his own if he were to have a job or someone could help him while he gets on his feet. If i lived closer I would help him myself but at this point, I live in Indiana and cannot do much. He has a lizard named Phoenix that he will not leave behind.

These "parents" are evil controlling sad excuses for human beings and are causing my friend a great deal of emotional and physical pain. There has to be a way to get him out of there despite his lack of employment. Any Ideas?

How much of this information has been corroborated by any other means than what the person himself tells you?

It might all be true. He might be making it all up. Or some combination of the two.

Don’t get stuck paying Marcus’ bills.

I would try to get Marcus to talk to somebody from the Trenton autism society.

I wasn't suggesting it was all a con job (although I suppose that's a possibility) so much as I was suggesting that, given the Asperger's diagnosis, Marcus may not have a very accurate perception of the parents' behavior.

That’s definitely a possibility....

Good point there.

There is some tendency for some parents to be overprotective as far as their autistic adults are concerned....for various reasons.

While this is a possibility, I VERY highly doubt it, especially given the statistics of the lives of LGBT youth. 40%. Clear across Canada and the USA, that's the % of homeless youth that are LGBT because they've been kicked out of their family homes for being such. Many others are neglected or abused in their family homes. It's highly probable that this story is completely true & should not be discounted as being an "autistic misconception." And further, the T in LGBT tend to get mistreated The Worst, and are WAY more often murdered than any of the rest of the alphabet kids.

What I wonder is what Marcus' functioning level is? Would he be able to hold down a job and provide for himself w/o the financial support of his parents? If the answer is yes, then, where there's a will there's a way.. even if that road is to pack a bag & leave in the middle of the night in order to go work some seasonal farm labour job where a stable roof over one's head & meals to eat are provided in return for harvesting crops or w/e.

There must be an ASD resource in his state that might be able to advise, or even better, an LGBT resource centre - even if either is simply used to network with others until he's able to arrange for for shelter & employment. Or shelter & welfare. Or some shelter & day labour via a temp agency etc. Or some other job Marcus is better suited for - whether filing papers, data entry, cooking or cleaning etc absolutely anything would be a blessing & an opportunity for a better life.

There must also be job advertised local to him. And if you look carefully enough, there are jobs advertised that INCLUDE a place to live. I've seen even fast food jobs in some small towns include a bedroom to live in above the restaurant, or a room in the restaurant owner's home. Or a live in job like a nanny/caretaker/errand boy/gardener, or others like the manager/caretaker of a self storage place that included a small apartment to live in as part of the compensation package.

Alternatively, if Marcus has internet access, he may be able to work some sort of online job to make & save money that would eventually enable him to leave home. People sell things on eBay for drop shipping companies all the time without ever having to invest a dime in inventory. Granted, this requires bank/credit card accounts etc - but - there are options. Hell, there's even the option of internet panhandling via a godfundme campaign or something - but in order for that sort of charity to be successful he'd have to have a lot of friends or a very compelling front page news story about him to get others to donate out of emotional appeal.

Does Marcus have internet access from home? Or is this cell phone the ONLY means of communication and providing any advice or support? I am curious: How much does it cost for the cell phone? And is there a way to reduce the cost? At my poorest, I still had a cell phone.. but I connected it to wifi for internet access and had a text Only pay as you go plan that cost me $10 CDN/month. And any phone with an active SIM card can at least call 911 whether it's been paid for that month or not.

edit: It may also be worth contacting the charity organization "Rainbow Railroad." They typically arrange for safe travels & safe houses for LGBT people fleeing anti-gay countries around the world, and relocating them to safe places. But they May have information & advice for someone within the USA. They May have contact information for someone near Marcus who would open their home to him as a safe place to be as he applies for jobs and gets on his feet.

Alternatively, if there's a youth homeless shelter in his area, that may be another avenue. The main one here that I've done fundraising work for is for ages 16-24, so at 20 years old Marcus is likely not too old to be assisted by a youth homeless shelter. There may even be a location of the same "brand," as the one here as they have locations across North America. It's called Covenant House, and while their beliefs & teachings are based on Catholicism, they're not overtly religious and certainly do not discriminate against LGBT youth. Places like that are there to help. Someone like Marcus could walk in off the streets with nothing but the clothes on his back and have all the resources of food, shelter, clothing and guidance that are required to make a fresh start in life.

As for the pet lizard: Even Sylvester Stallone had to SELL his DOG in order for both of them to survive until he was back on his feet. Once he was, the very first thing he did was buy his dog back. Maybe Marcus might have to consider temporarily housing his pet lizard with someone else until he's able to care for both himself and his lizard. I would hate to hear that he chooses to continue subjecting himself to abuse from his family in order to not have to part with his pet. Thing is, some lizards tend to live a Very long life, and he may be able to temporarily have someone else look after it while he gets things sorted out for himself and then reunite with his pet. He needs to understand that this is an option and one he should consider for both his and his pet's well being in the long run.

Last edited by goldfish21 on 27 May 2018, 3:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The worst part...is that Marcus is being denied the opportunity to grow...based on what was written by the OP.

It’s a terrible thing to be tyrannized like that. There are some parents who lock autistic-type kids in cellars or some place similar. It’s certainly happened in the past.

The OP is writing with excellent intentions, I feel.

Marcus needs to be informed of his rights, through any legal means necessary.

There's a danger in meddling from afar when you can't assess the true state of affairs. Goldfish is one who is keen to intervene in his savior role, which makes me uneasy right off the bat. Now, true, this is ibmat's case, but I tend to think the right approach is to call adult protective services in Marcus's jurisdiction and request that they investigate the home. Otherwise you end up with a zealot like goldfish getting involved.

If Marcus has a very low functioning level, then chances are his best placement is a homelike setting, even his parents' home. If he is high functioning, he should be able to fly the coop with little more than a little online encouragement. The devil is always in the details.

The thing is, the parents aren't acknowledging the transgender status and they still consider Marcus as their daughter. That alone is horribly abusive and when you add in the things they have done, the fact that they don't let him leave, he is a LEGAL ADULT who has to answer to NOBODY. Making this clear to him is difficult. He seems to think his father will hire people to hunt him down unless he leaves the country. He is terrified of his dad. I have seen pictures of the inside of the home and his mother is a hoarder, though not to the point that random animals or bugs are living in the residence. His autism is a bit more severe than mine. He will sometimes not even acknowledge that you have changed the subject of the conversation and keep going on about the same thing. But he could hold a job as long as it was a pleasent, slow paced job. His interest is in yarn. He wants to go to school for fashion design. If i could afford to, Id drive out to NJ and get him and bring him into my home.

One thing that I don't know how to get him to "drop" is the idea of punishing his father. He seems to think that he can drag his father before the United Nations and they will physically punish him in front of the whole world. I under stand the idea of wanting to punish your parents, but for me, I know it will never happen. He seems to think and he spends a considerable amount of time reading the Geneva convention to see what he can have done to his dad. I talk about buying him a bus ticket and he replies with a remark about needing money to hire a lawyer to take his dad to the UN. Its highly annoying because this is getting in the way of saving him. His controlling parents ARE horrible people for not embracing his LGBT side, to me there is no better blessing in the world than being gay or transgender. but I also get that the UN doesnt give a sqat about the Perez family in Trenton.

The lizard is non negotiable. He gave this lizard life.

I don't want to insult you, but Marcus sounds crazy to me. Drag his father before the UN to have him tried under the Geneva conventions?

Good luck.

Make sure he know his legal rights......

I have no experience with transgender issues, so I can't comment on those.

Enthusiastic people who interfere can be positive or negative. Engaging child/adult protective services can also be positive and negative. In my state, they are almost always negative, so I am very cautious about requesting help from them.

Regardless of goldfish's enthusiasm, he makes some good points. Unless he is adjudicated, his parents cannot prevent him from leaving. A homeless shelter is an option and social workers there can connect him with services he needs. If he has mental health problems also, he can also access services through the shelter. Young people frequently get highly invested in battles to prove their parents wrong and that is typical for that age group when there is a dominating and controlling parent. This can be dealt with by time and maturity.

The main problem with that level of enthusiasm is it can push something forward before the individual is ready to make the move.

Without knowing more about the individual, I could not commit to what residential placement is best for him. I will say that in general home-like is better. However, living with parents is rarely the best option. In my experience, adults who live with their parents, even if they are "doing well", almost never enjoy independence or the freedom to make their own mistakes, learn and move forward with their lives. And in many cases, again even the "good" parents, are more restrictive than necessary. That said, my opinions change with time and experience, but that is my current observation.

I am 33 years old and still in a battle to prove my parents wrong. For some of us it doesn't really end. I can say that it is best for Marcus to get out of there.

Any parent who restricts their offspring, especially when they are legal adults, is a horrible person. So you dont really need to have experience with transgender issues to know that Marcus is living with monsters. They are restricting what he wants, that alone makes them bad. The other stuff I mentioned simply reiterates their evil intentions.

I have shown him the posts. He wants to join in but hes nervous. I'll see if I can get him to make an introduction.

Horrible? monsters? evil?

Is there any chance you are overly identifying YOUR issues with MARCUS'S issues? "Still in a battle to prove my parents wrong..."

I ask this because I was trained as a psychotherapist and did that for a few years. One of the first things they teach you is about countertransference - when the helper has feelings towards the helpee (for lack of a better word) that really don't reflect the helpee's reality. You have to seek out those issues in yourself and question their validity and question whether you are choosing an intervention that is known to be helpful versus one that serves your own personal agenda.

Marcus demonstrates some thought processes that we consider off-the-wall (like taking his father to the UN for indictment under the Geneva conventions). Maybe Marcus needs to be restricted for his own good. Maybe when allowed to go downtown on his own, he gets lost for three days. There is a lot here that you are not considering.

And as for inviting him to live with you ... knowing only what he tells you online and what stokes your own internal fires ... that would be very dangerous and ill advised. It's a good thing you live far away.

I think you should limit your involvement to connecting him with local resources and supports (such as LGBT groups) and just giving him moral (i.e. emotional) support.

Well EXCUSE me for caring about a young person being abused & offering suggestions of help and resources.. You are beyond rude for your comments towards me for responding with information about resources that can help someone in need. *shrug* Maybe this is because you're one of us who does truly lack empathy & thus you find it to be a very odd behaviour for a stranger on the internet to try to help someone else when they ask for help. Or maybe you're homophobic and don't think us "second class citizens," are worthy of help.. I don't really know what your problem is, besides being rude af, but it's abundantly clear that you have an issue with me offering helpful information to someone who could benefit from it. Maybe you should bring this up with your doctor or mental healthcare provider as they may have some coping mechanisms to teach you so that you're not so nasty to people who spend their time trying to help others.

It's okay goldfish. I actually respect your help. Its obvious that she is too old and bitter to consider what it's like for us