I've internalized years of abuse.

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A while ago, the mods called me out for using ableist language.

After thinking about this for a while, I've come to a sad realization: I've internalized years of abuse. Over the years, my innocence has been beaten down by relentless cynicism and negativity. It's gotten to the point where I don't trust anyone. It's gotten to the point where, even in a supportive environment, the acceptance and positivity seems fake. Sometimes, the abuse comes back out inadvertently.

I've decided to stop using this site for a while. I need to sort myself out. I might be back in a month or two.

Good luck dude , see you in a month or two , hope you get your head in a better space.

FWIW I don't think I'll ever fully trust anybody EVER!

I've decided to come back. I tried to leave this site and find some other source of happiness. I can't find any.

I blame my mother. She always wants me to become a better person. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She seems to think that I am some sort of superhuman ... and that I am just being lazy unless I do better than the average person.

When I was a kid, I believed that I would one day rise above everyone else in terms of success. My mom told me that this was my destiny. Now I'm an adult and I don't feel like I have towered above the masses. I only feel isolated.

I wish I could stand up against my mother, but I can't. My mother is the most terrifying person ever. She screams at me at the drop of a hat. She also insists that ableism is no big deal ... even though she is hypocritically opposed to sexism.

I'm honestly not sure what I or anyone else can do about this mess I'm in. I guess I'll just keep trying to imagine it's not there like I always do.

I'm sorry I was so mean to all of you. I was taking my anger out on you. If I knew another way out of this mess, I would take it.

I think that I am willing to trust all of you now.

The whole world is so confusing.

I ... I just don't know. I don't know who I am. I don't know what my destiny is. I don't know what I should believe. I don't even know if my main goal should be happiness or knowledge.

I only see frustration and chaos.

I don’t know your age, so I’m not sure if my response is appropriate, but how about stepping away from having “goals” for a bit. Just be. Don’t worry about your destiny. At the end of your day, look back at it and find something good or pleasurable you experienced. It could be big or small, something you did or something someone did for you. Then go to sleep. When you feel comfortable setting goals again, they too can be big or small - goals to help yourself or to help others. You can have both happiness and knowledge for goals.

For the record, I am 26. I don't show my age because I was into politics until recently and I didn't want people to use my age for Ad Hominem attacks. Since I probably will never get back into politics ever again, I no longer have any need to conceal my age.

I first joined this site when I was eighteen. I still feel like vomiting whenever I think about what happened. Long story short, I was totally clueless about women back when I was eighteen because I had been a hardcore conservative when I was a teen. The people on this site didn't suffer fools gladly.

That's all I want to say about that.



My mom wants me to constantly become a better person. She gets furious whenever I forget to charge my phone, or show AS symptoms in public. She says that people will see me as a freak if I twitch in public.

My stepfather and my biological father are of no help. My biological father thinks that fundamentalist Christianity solves everything. He's an absolute monomaniac who never thinks of anything but Christianity. My stepfather agrees with my biological mother on every significant issue.

I wish I could "just be" ... but I can't. My mom is never satisfied. In order to please her, I have to constantly become stronger and tougher.

I'm a square peg being pounded into a round hole. It hurts.

Do you still live with your mom? Can you move out to avoid being terrorizied by her ways?

Well as I tell most people who live at home with parents, step-parents or their parent and significant other of the parent and are unhappy...work towards moving out. Not sure you live with your mom as you didn't specify but if so it would probably do some good to get away from her.

If you are on SSI you can apply for subsidized housing, if not you'd likely have to find room-mates or if you have any family members you do get along with you could see if they want to split rent with you.

I know my quality of life improved when I moved out and my mom doesn't seem as unreasonable as yours...but still I didn't like living with her, and having to deal with the household drama or when her and her boyfriend argued.

DMK,
First of all, almost all my friends (me included) who lived with their parents into their twenty-somethings, got fed up with it about 25. They had a whole spectrum of different parents yet the pattern repeated. I came to conclusion, it's organic, it's one's internal pressure to start independent life at this point.
Second, it's the right time to gain mental independence from your parents. It's a process where you start to see what your parents did right about you and what they screwed up. And it's hard.

I relate to you, my parents are christian-conservative fundamentalists (their own flavor, not exactly the same as christian-conservative fundamentalists in the US but nevermind) and my mother is never satisfied. I was a very high achiever at school, I did everything I could to do what she wanted me to do, yet she never approved. If my behavior was perfect, it was wrong to tell it to her because it was "bragging".
I was older than you are now when I realised it was her problem, not mine. It was her issue of being overly critical and destructively perfectionist, also to herself. My only fault was taking literally whatever she said and remembering it too well.

One of the stages I went through was intentionally failing expectations. I was too exhausted to carry on, dropped out of Uni, got psychiatric treatment. Stopped declaring as a christian. The last one was the hardest to my parents but when I knew what I wanted, they had to accept it. After the people around me accepted me out of Uni, I realised I want it for myself and came back, now without that horrible pressure inside me.

It takes time. Physical distance to your parents would help. A wise therapist could also help.
I wish you the best!

Thanks for your support everybody.

I guess this site was a nice place full of nice people this whole time. I just didn't initially approach this site with the right attitude I guess.

This site may be a nice place, but the real world is not. In the real world, you are just expected to work, work, work, suffer and die. "That's life!" they tell me. I am also dismissed as a "whiner" if I think that the real world should be changed, so that it is less evil.

Now I know why so many people are religious. I didn't understand it when I was younger, but I sure understand it now. When Karl Marx called religion "the heart of a heartless world", he wasn't kidding. The world is heartless. I'm not sure if the world was always heartless and will always be heartless, but it is certainly heartless in its current form. The world has been heartless for most of recorded history, which is why so many people believe that the cruelty of our world is permanent and inescapable without supernatural intervention.

It will be hard for me to accept the fact that this site is kind, even though the rest of the world is cruel for the most part. I'll go back to regular posting when my nervous system recovers from the psychological shock. I have no idea how long that will take, assuming that I ever manage to pull myself together.