Dealing with unexpected death

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I don't know where to start with this, still in a state of shock.
Unfortunately I don't have any family / friends that will understand. Have to wait until Monday to call my therapist.

Found out a few hours ago, someone I really admired passed away, and has been gone now for a few months now.
I'll give the person a "alias" since I don't feel comfortable saying their name for privacy reasons. I'll call this person "Vamp"

Vamp, was someone that was very well known for their work for quite some time now. We've been friends for a 10+ years, there was always attraction there but never acted on it. The feeling was mutual, but realized there could never be a relationship so remained platonic friends. However I think "Vamp" was a bit scared of people judging his/her friendship with me. Not sure why, never really questioned it.


Anyways there were times where Vamp did contemplate on pursing something with me but reality would shoot that thought within seconds lol I guess it was a getaway from their ongoing troubled personal life with the illness. We've talked about how things would lead up once that day ( how the illness will progress and become fatal) come and how they knew it would really take a toll on me. Because of that I ended up getting pushed away because they knew of my risk of relapsing ( I've struggled with cutting / abuse painkillers for over 20 years now )

So over a while of not really talking ( but still checked on each other every once in a while ), I've been in therapy trying to get myself better and been clean for a year of not cutting and 6 months of not taking any pills, and now I find this out........went online just to do a random name search and the obituary pops up.

I've already been in a stressed out mode because this month marks the 1 year anniversary of losing my family member a few days ago. and now this............


I can't wait until Monday get here so I can return back to therapy, I just hope Saturday and Sunday don't feel like a 2 year span instead of a 2 day span.

I hope that the weekend goes by quickly for you. Stay strong.

thank you so much, I hope so too

Im so glad you have a therapist to talk to. Congradulations on staying clean and not cutting.

It will be hard to get through the weekend but I have faith that you can do it. Good luck!

I'm sorry for your losses.