Feeling on the edge of a breakdown

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Over the last few days I spent about 400 pounds on alcohol, restaurants and other things. I just totally lost it. I didn't shower for days, I was disoriented. I have just semi recovered. Bathed myself, only drank a tiny amount of alcohol today just to ease my nerves from it all and tidied up my apartment which was looking like chaos.

It began when I went out on Friday night to some nightclubs and bars. It started off fine and I was even talking to strangers but all week frustration had been building up in me and on that Friday I just wanted to find someone to connect with,and I just carried on drinking. I feel insecure where I live. There are lots of men who are beefed up and the town gets a lot of motorbikers because it's by the sea.also seaside towns n the UK often attract lots of drug addicts and down and out ex prisoners. I don't know why people want a fresh start I guess. Just sometimes it can make the towns feel run down. Now I know I am being judgemental but I can't help it, I am just scared of masculine men. I was brought up with classical music, lots of books, hiking and watching plays. I feel I can't cope with it.

But then when I think about it more I wonder if it's just some feeling of being different to other people that I just can't get rid of. I might even feel the way at a classical music concert, I just feel a lot of people are aggressive and I panic. On anintellectual level being different to people doesn't bother me but emotionally I feel threatened. I also increasingly feel angry with a support worker I have. He is a bit of an oddball himself but he is still a lot more masculine than me. He's a heavy smoker, tells jokes a lot and although he will have discussions about tpolitics anything deeper like poetry, art, philosophy or more on the emotional side of things he says quite pat things and doesn't seem to feel much. I also sense an unspoken feeling of frustrayion in him towards me, i sense he sees me as pathetic. t is hard for me to really trust him, I don't feel a strong connection. I'm trying to get a situation sorted with my social worker where I can interview people myself to select a new worker and that might work. But I'll have to carefully find out what they're like to see if I would feel comfortablr around them.

I need a break from most people. I wish I had a boat I could live on in the sea. I'd come in for essentials but otherwise mostly keep to myself. Practically I am in stasis in my life's I'm learning few new things or skills. I feel emotionally too wounded easily by people so I tend to only want a bit of human contact to not have an emotional outbursts that embarrasses me and makes me look childish and people disapprove of.

I kind of want to go to college too but the fees meaning won't. I wont do open university or study at home either because I know my attention span is unreliable and emotionally I would probably feel unmotivated without company of some sort.

On the positive side I have been cooking better than ever. I stopped using jarred or canned tomatoes and sauces and chop the tomatoes fresh and fry in olive oil. I noticed immediately less acid reflux and easier digestion. I'm eating 100 per cent cocoa content chocolate which seems to be helping me keep thinner and I've noticed my muscles getting stronger. I also notice avoiding sugar except what's naturally I'm fruits and vegetables is making me less sleepy and be able to concentrateate better. I think it's just emotionally at the moment I am too unhappy to care about this process much. I also watch less TV and read a bit more than a month or two ago,something I also notice helps reduce stress.

But sometimes I just put the tV on to hear human voices and imagine I have a pleasant kind of social interaction. Other advances I made with my cooking are eating beans or lentils at least once a day which is good for my vegan protein. I found too avoiding pasta sauce jars reduces the amount of fat I have caused sometimes I'd fry vegetables to add too and maybe even top with olive oil as a dressing at the end. I stopped using soy sauce because I found out it has some yeast in it the way it's produced from rice wine and I'm yeast intolerant too so I started using coconut aminos which sounds weird but is actually nice when you get used to the slightly less sweet taste. I sometimes fear my eating becoming so specific also makes me seem weird to people, another reason for them to not approve of my company? There is still more tweaking I'm do into, considering whether the chickpea and lentil pasta I eat is too processed, and going into investigate if it causes me more indigestion and irritations if so I might boil chopped tomatoes to use as a pasta substitute.

Thanks for reading if you did. Someone once said a worry shared is a worry halved. May be true sometimes, I don't know.

Sounds like a wild ride, I hope you are through the worst right now.

Do you know about hypervigilance? Is this something that may be affecting you.

It would be good to find a support worker you can relate to better.

I think it's better to eat olive oil in a raw state and not to heat it, use something lighter like sunflower for cooking.

Good luck, stay strong and maybe try to reduce the boozing if you can.

I just looked it up, hypervigilance could be something I'm experiencing. It's hard but I want to reduce the boozing. The information I read about hypervigilance mentioned people scanning their environment for threats all the time become tired and unable to function socially. That sounds familiar. I went for a walk on a beach today and even though I walked out quite a way from the promenade and the passing joggers, dog walkers, cyclists and cars I still felt too stressed knowing they were all able to see me from a distance. Admittedly I felt evenworse than usual because of the recent alcohol intake but hypervigilwnce makes sense. Thanks for the kind words.

You're welcome. I used to have problems with drinking, now I can and do choose not to drink.

Have a search on 'cooking with olive oil' too. See what you think about using alternative oils.

I liked reading about the positive things you're doing.
All those things are fantastic.
I found when my body felt healthier from giving it the right fuel and limiting foods that I know cause negative reactions, my low mood started to pick up and then there was less need for alcohol to self medicate.
Hoping you'll find the same positive consequences.

I am thinking of you. You sound as if you are at the start of some big changes. It can be messy and turbulent at the start for most people, as that triggers an initial fear response that rears up. Big change is scary for most of us, though it gets easier as you travel through it. I have faith in you, I think you will make the big changes you want to.

I appreciate the reply and well wishes, seems you have made lots of progress yourself.

I had a search neilson, I could use coconut oil or rapeseed instead, I sometimes use them. Ive tended to cook with olive oil for Italian food because I see it as being authentic.

Thanks b19 that's very kind of you to say.