Starting a downward slide

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I try to keep upbeat and get support where I can. But I am becoming more and more depressed about my spouse's condition. He has early-stage dementia, where people might not even notice anything amiss when just socializing with him. But I see him making consistent mistakes such as inability to navigate on a car trip, and very disordered communication. He is forgetful, and after losing his wallet several times, we closed his credit card accounts.

Among other things such as worrying about finances, I am sad that the man who has been my close friend and partner is slowly becoming compromised. And there is really no silver lining with this disease ... patients get worse and finally die in an undignified way, unable to eat or take care of themselves.

I'm on meds, I see a therapist (although only monthly or so), and I have a caregiver support group. But I am seeing myself become depressed and feeling passive about the growing depression. I am having trouble seeing any future for myself. This downward slide has me worried - it feels like I can't fight it, or maybe don't even want to fight it.

That is a terrible situation, you have all of my sympathy.

Sorry I can not actually do anything to help you.

Is there any possibility that you could arrange some respite care to give yourself a little break.

You have my sympathy too. We’re around the same age. My husband is older and I worry about how things might go. Right now I’m the one with physical ailments, but he is getting tireder. He is forgetful at times now too. We’ve known each other 32 years. More than half my life.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you, ladies. I know the things I "should" do to take care of myself, but those things are extra hard for someone with autism.

I am so sorry, Bea. I have watched friends go through this and it is tragic beyond words. I know it sounds trite, but one day at a time, or even one hour or one minute at a time can help me focus on what is good in my life right now. It is a terrible prolonged grief to watch the real person fall away from your life, but still be physically present. Practical things like make sure he has a health care surrogate and you know what kind of health treatment he wants ahead of time. The respite idea is a good one. Start it early, so it is in place when things really get tough. Write and record as many memories as you can while you are together. People with dementia often remember the long ago things. He may even remember things you have forgotten. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just quick listing suggestions. Some may be useful to you and others may not, or maybe none of them do. They are just ideas and options. And when recognition lights up his eyes, cherish it.

Does he have to be supervised at all times Bea? And if so does that fall only on you?

Bea:
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Knowing friends and family who went through this it is the hardest on the loved ones who see their great people in their lives disintegrate. The only recommendations I have is to keep a schedule and dont isolate, talk to people about how you are feeling, which you are doing. That is what I am told about my depression, I assume it is the same for this situation.
Also, it is ok to feel bad, in fact it is natural. Never apologize for it.
Good luck

Not yet. If I plan out the time and activity, with ground rules, he does OK. But he has gone "on a walk" a couple times and was gone for hours, not reachable by phone - so I called the cops to help locate him. We do have a few rules, he is not to cook on the stove (microwave only) and he is not driving.

It is not as demanding on me as it is going to become. I do have a housekeeper for heavy cleaning once a week, so I am comfortable having helpers come into the house. But sometimes making arrangements is not easy for an overwhelmed autistic lady.

I will try to get his son, who lives nearby, to do a respite shift occasionally, but he is not very approachable.

Thanks, folks, for your words of support. If anybody else is going through this, try to find a dementia caregiver support group. Mine is not keeping me from feeling depressed, but it does give me lots of good information on how to deal with things.

Thanks, folks, for your words of support. If anybody else is going through this, try to find a dementia caregiver support group. Mine is not keeping me from feeling depressed, but it does give me lots of good information on how to deal with things.

Do you have sons/daughters?

Yes, but they are not his children - just stepchildren. They have their own lives and it wouldn't do to involve them.

Take care of yourself Bea. Thats the way he would want it.

I can't supplement the above advice with anything.

But at least you seemed to have done the research, and are doing well with your husband.

At least in some states, I believe you can get "respite." So you can go out for a little while alone.

I would guess that the key is to get your husband accustomed to the "respite" people.

Does he have children?

I'm sorry you are going through this Bea.

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