A crush before Jackie

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In March 2008 I had met Jackie, but before her I had become friends with someone who I developed a crush on back in 2007, let's call her Caelia. I have never said anything directly to Caelia about my crush on her because of two reasons: I don't want to lose her friendship, and she is an awesome friend, and I thought I never had a chance with her. I sort of really wish I had tried, maybe never developed a relationship with my ex-wife too. I know I sound horrible.

Regardless, now I've been friends with Caelia for almost ten years and she's still writing me and interacting with me on social media. One of the last things was about a personality test in which I got INTJ and hers was ENFP, and she really seemed to like that with how much she commented and liked most of what I said. She's going through crap with her body since she developed chronic fatigue syndrome, and yet she makes an effort to actually communicate with me. Beliefs wise and so many internal wise things, we're so insanely compatible it's always been frustrating and depressing to me that outside wise she's like an 11/10 while I'm a zero.

 In addition to that is the far more important factor of the last two years, almost, she's been married... so, major no chance with her. Although, strangely, back when I had almost divorced Jackie for what she got fired and sued for (biting a kid on his butt for certain, but also, even though it was thrown out in court because they "only" had testimony of a minor, my ex was accused of teaching that boy and his baby sister of ... doing things they shouldn't, as in sexually.... ) and probably should have divorced her, but anyway Sheila said (after Jackie left when I wrote her asking to not like and comment on my stuff so much because it might have upset Jackie. I have never told Caelia I had a crush on her, but I had let Jackie know that I had had a crush on Caelia back in 2007 but I knew it would never go anywhere, and in the last two months before Jackie abandoned me Caelia wrote me way more often than she had before then for the past 7 years of friendship, and it upset Jackie and Jackie wanted me to delete my friend even though Jackie wrote lots of friends who are guys, so it's like, no, unless you delete Lulu Josh who you were planning outings with) but anyway, after Jackie left Caelia said about how she and her fiance in 2015 had broken up in 2013, the same darn timeframe as when I almost divorced Jackie for potentially being a pedophile. I never knew about Caelia being single then. Well, I think I might have seen it, in passing, but it just didn't make any sense to me at the time, and I was too focused on my own dilemma of potentially being married to someone who might hurt children to think of it as more than an, "I'm sorry for you" type thought when she had changed her avatar to a forever alone one and whatnot else. It's like, should I have divorced Jackie then and would it have made a difference in potentially having a relationship leading to marriage with Caelia then?

I do have some, I guess "hope" though it's wrong to hope for people to break up I know, but her reasons for dumping him in the first place were that,

"Even me and my fiancee- we were broken up for like a year before we got back together & got engaged again.... he was being pretty unsupportive emotionally, & calling down my God & religion, and so I broke up with him cos I thought it couldn't work, and cos I was upset at being taken for granted. .... It hurts to have someone who's supposed to be your best friend be calloused toward you."

And I notice that on her wall, he still doesn't act supportive of her posts regarding her beliefs, plus now due to chronic fatigue syndrome, which she only developed last year, she's unable to work, or even do much housework without wearing herself out almost immediately, and I know how that wore thin with me regarding Jackie for the last two years of marriage, although Jackie didn't have any medical reason for doing nothing whatsoever, just intentionally doing nothing which really was annoying. If Jackie had a medical reason, it would be okay though, but she didn't. Caelia does though, and I know I would be willing to accept it and do for her whatever needs doing if I were to ever marry her. But with regards to her husband who doesn't even believe the same beliefs as her, I don't think this will last very long. I will feel sorry for Caelia if he ever does throw her away like Jackie did me 753 days ago today, but it might be better for her though since bad company corrupts good character. Also, now I see her liking and commenting on posts in pages like "Freedom from atheism" and I bet that has to go over well with her atheist husband. His comments on everything I've seen are all superficial, and of her photos it's always "pretty, pretty, pretty" rather than anything meaningful apart from lust. She talked about how with CFS she's started to gain weight, although her profile picture for Easter really didn't look bad. I don't know if she'd ever weigh as much as Jackie, but I know I'd still find her attractive regardless, but for her current husband he has only known her as an extremely normatively beautiful woman and they mostly had enjoyed going dancing and ither high energy activities, but now she can't do those and her plans when she moves to Australia to be with him are basically,

"Maybe I *will* take some time sometime to try an adaptation like that. Might take me a while but it could be fun to try And thanks for the encouragement! Haha, I have a lot of dreams though Like with that personality test you did a while back, and I did it too? Mine said that Campaigners tend to have a hard time picking a career cos everything looks so cool. That's totally me I have a list as long as my arm of things I'd like to learn or do. Til I can move to Australia & get myself settled down, & with my own space & access to hobby stuff, I'm limited to playing video games or reading (for short stints, I love reading but I'm best with short articles or short stories)."

Maybe there's more, and it would be cool if she did make good adaptations of books to movies like she had said before was something she wanted to do, and she's more into cool stuff like geek culture I am even, so if she can get passed the sadly annoying brain fog of CFS then she could really do well, but like with how Jackie *acted* supportive of me, right before leaving me, I wonder if the same sadness will be happening to her. I don't wish for her to go through the sadness I went through, and she might have it worse since she says she often has crying spells regardless and that is why her first fiancee had thrown her away. IDK, maybe her current husband can tolerate the changes and whatnot since he is able to deal with her crying spells, but I highly doubt it really. Also, her immigrating to Australia seems to keep getting blocked/delayed, so maybe it's a God thing, Him keeping her in Canada with her family that loves her rather than letting her get stranded in Australia when her husband divorces her.

Even still, even if she were ever single again,I doubt I'd have ANY chance with her. I wish there were, but humanly I highly doubt there is. I really wish I had tried 10 years ago, but anyway, here's where I'll start to sound even stupider:

Having finally found work last November, I was starting to develop crushes on some of my female coworkers and I really hate that about me. But then, I got hired on and I'm the type of person that counts everything and I happened to notice from when Jackie left me on March 28 2015 until I got hired on on March 19th 2017, the number of days is 722. My birthdate is October 23rd 1985 and Caelia's is November 1st 1983, which is the exact number of days difference, so it's like, what the heck is with this. But, now, I'm just letting myself have a crush on Caelia again rather than trying to surpress it as I have for the past 10 years as of July 10th, although while she's married I'm not going to say to a word to her about it, but just by letting myself have that decade long supressed crush on Caelia I've been able to prevent myself from letting crushes on anyone else develop. I kniw that sounds stupid, but thank God for my friend. I so wish I had married her, but maybe needed to marry Jackie first to know how to be a better husband for her in the future if it ever happens. I know what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage being counted as adultery, but if God would let me someday marry Caelia, then may I be the only one going to Hell and may God forgive her and keep her in Heaven.

What? No insults or advices? I thought this was the Haven? It's okay, I know I'm stupid and horrible, I guess I don't need confirmation on that. Sucks to be ignored though.

I'm glad you found work.

Stop talking bad about Jackie. It doesn't make you look good. It makes it look like you "have it in" for her.

Just move on, man.

Stupid? No man, you are smart, because you are not a people pleaser. The best people in this world are actually those that don't rely on other people, but themselves, and allow other people to work with them.

I've read your posts and you say you're a Christian.
It sounds to me like you need to be confiding these intimate details of your life
to your spiritual advisor
instead of sharing this type of thing with Internet strangers.

Not trying to talk bad about her, it's just context. And I have moved on. I'm not waiting for her anymore, I'm not trying anymore. Jackie never wanted me anyway, just a house and children, and by making me look like a monster she got that from her brother now and she'll never return and I don't care anymore.

Well, thank you. I still feel horrible about having a crush on my friend who isn't available in the least right now, so maybe it's the nearly decade long crush which I should be calling stupid more than myself. Although, I don't know, I'm only 97th percentile IQ wise and on this site it makes me like 50th percentile.

Last edited by Iamaparakeet on 21 Apr 2017, 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, there aren't any good churches I've seen in the city my ex wife stranded me in. So for now while I hope I can call myself a Christian, I am not a churchian and really I don't care to give gossip fuel for local "prayer" chains either since they don't pray to God but talk to themselves about others while praying outloud to be heard as they are described in Matthew 6:5-8,

"And when you make your prayers, be not like the false-hearted men, who take pleasure in getting up and saying their prayers in the Synagogues and at the street turnings so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, They have their reward.
But when you make your prayer, go into your private room, and, shutting the door, say a prayer to your Father in secret, and your Father, who sees in secret, will give you your reward.
And in your prayer do not make use of the same words again and again, as the Gentiles do: for they have the idea that God will give attention to them because of the number of their words.
So be not like them; because your Father has knowledge of your needs even before you make your requests to him."

Now that you have a good job,
maybe you can afford the gas to
look for a good church elsewhere.

Well gee, that helps so very much, thanks a bunch!

I agree.

Well, I don't. I've been put through Hell and I should be free to speak about it and in this case it provides context, so could we please get past the control freak type censorship of telling me what I should be allowed to say? Thanks.

In an earlier post in this thread, you claim you moved on from talking bad about Jackie. Then you posted this: "Well, there aren't any good churches I've seen in the city my ex wife stranded me in."

Your ex-wife stranded you in a city? Really?
Such that it still affects your travel to this day?

Sure, you're free to vent all you like about your ex.
And I'm free to post about not agreeing with what you're posting, ...
or rather, about agreeing with what someone else is posting ...
without any control freak type of censorship from you.
Thanks.

You're welcome. And yes, by her stealing the car and leaving me, I have been stranded by that and having other circumstances beyond my control keep me here. Unless I wanted to give my birds to a shelter which would kill them and move back into my stepdad's home until he found some random nonsense to get upset at me for, which he'd overlook if I were female like he gives my sister a free pass at everything for, and then I'm homeless rather than having shelter and independence and my birds. Now, you're upset that I'm complaining about my ex wife who probably had sexually abused children, yet you're likely fine with me complaining about my sometimes truly evil stepdad just because of their nethers.

Airing one's dirty laundry, whether it be about an ex-wife or a stepdad, ... either way,
yeah, like has been suggested earlier in this thread, just move on.

Right, let's move on to actually talking about something other than my ex-wife. Like my crush that I've had for nearly a decade or anything else. If you want me to stop talking about the abandoner, then don't tell me not to talk about her.