Trapped in an abusive relationship

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First I want to say that I haven't got an ASD diagnosis at this point, but I'm planning on bringing up the topic in my next app. with my psychiatrist. I have ADHD and have been given a diagnosis of BPD in the past but I strongly disagree that I have BPD as I'm not at all manipulative and feel like most of my meltdowns happen around people who are deliberately mistreating me.

I knew I grow up with emotional abuse, but I'm only just learning about narcissistic abuse and all that entails. Growing up it was just me and my mum. Today I can't even have contact with her because I end up getting hurt every time and the older I get, the more aware I've become of the level of abuse.

I'm 29 now and 10 years into a relationship with someone just as abusive as my mother, although slightly different in their tactics. I spent 2 years trying to leave recently and had to move a number of times not just because he found me, but because of the things he had people around me do to me. I eventually tried to get support in shelters but at this point was fairly afraid and not able to cope well enough to do some of the things required like apply for housing. I was really afraid that even if I found a house, I would be living in more fear every day than what I could handle so after all this time running I stupidly ended up going back to him.

The situation is further complicated by the fact we have children and court stuff that is going on as well. I feel like when it comes to this court stuff I can't go against him because I'm so afraid of what could happen to me if I did. But I feel so trapped sometimes. Some days it gets so hard to pretend to myself that I should just keep going with the motions. It doesn't help having to see this person every day that I despise. He is such an evil human being right to the core and its no wonder we can't even hold an agreeable conversation. We have nothing in common and It makes me wonder what his obsession is with me when we're clearly from 2 different planets.

And just like my mother he enjoys deliberately pushing my buttons. Yelling at me over nothing and running me down over anything is like a sport for this guy. It doesn't matter when I ask him repeatedly to stop yelling at me he want stop pushing until I reach the point of a full blown meltdown. Then he will call my the crazy person just the way the my mother like to play this same game. In fact I think the only reason I ever started to wake up and realise I wasn't the crazy one was when I had a few years away from it. Suddenly I wasn't having these meltdowns because the people around my showed my a basic level of respect that I'd probably forgotten existed. I really miss that basic human respect.

I think I'm probably saying most of this just to get it off my chest. I don't see a way out so I'm certainly not expecting people to come to my rescue or expect solutions. I certainly don't need pity. I have simply found myself in this sh***y situation and thats just where I am right now.

On a more positive note, I have a lot I want to discus at my next psych app. that has been on my chest. In the past I feel like Dr.s take down a brief history and chuck on a few random diagnosis that always make more sense to them than anything that actually fits for me. This is the first time someone has taken the time to expose different possibilities and really seems to take me own opinion as something important in the process.

All I can say is that at this point, legal action is a must.

That would definitely be the logical answer. If only I could take all my fear of repercussions out of it.

I actually stumbled across a good deal of information on narcissistic abuse today and found a lot of it really useful. I won't ever let myself forget that I need to get out of this situation, but I feel like I just have to wait for some legal stuff already happening to play out. I don't have the strength to go against this man right now and its not the part of speaking out so much as the way he would get revengeful afterwards. I've been through it before and just feel I need to get my timing right.

I do plan though on bringing this situation up with me psychiatrist next week, so I can at least keep some kind of record somewhere on the truth of the situation.

I’m really sorry. Poor thing. I hope you’ll be okay.