Can i talk to you about my dad?

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I have always been awkward around family. They’re very different to friends. They’re there to take care of you and look out for you. And with each member having their own opinion about something, there’s always clashes and arguments and they’re constantly judging you, making sure they raised you right. I find it very exhausting to be around family as I’m constantly trying to dodge the judgement bullet and meeting their expectations of me as an adult.

Not so long after i was born, my mum and dad split up. None of my family saw my dad in a good light which is fair enough. When he left his first wife, it affected her mental health so much so that the two kids they had together ended up in care with my dad avoiding responsibility for them. My mum suffered through domestic abuse from him and then he left to be with another woman. At first, i used to see my dad once a fortnight on a saturday. We would always go to my nanan Jones (Dad’s mum) and have a saturday dinner with my dad’s new wife, her kids and the kids my dad had with her. There was much judgement passed by my family of my dad’s choice to only see me once every two weeks on one day. And even more so when my dad decided to change our visits to one saturday a month. I felt awkward around Denise (my dad’s third wife) and at age 11, I made a personal decision that my dad just wasn’t that important to me anymore and I personally told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. What broke my heart is that my dad just outright accepted my request with zero resistance. That’s it. I requested to be out of his life and he just seemed absolutely fine by this.

Fast forward 13 years, after many years of wondering how my dad was, how well my half brother and sister grew up and I decided to use the powers of facebook to search for my brother, Scott. I found him with surprising ease as he looked exactly like he did when he was 5 (the last time i saw him), except with much crazier hair. I was living male now, instead of the little girl i once was. So i was very nervous at contacting Scott, not even knowing if he would have ever remembered me. He did remember me, and my trans status was point blank a non-issue. It was refreshing. I then began to start seeing them regularly along with their mother, Denise. I came to learn that my dad was also abusive towards Denise and they had now split. I was also connected to my older sister from my dad’s first marriage, but came to learn my older brother didn’t want anything to do with the family at all. So i still haven’t met him. I don’t know who he is.

Eventually, I met my dad. And in the last 8yrs, I have only seen him, briefly, three times, although we do chat very lightly and stay connected through facebook. He’s my dad, and i wish he was a good dad. And what i would really like is to get to know him better. But i don’t know how. It just feels like we’re both useless at this kind of stuff. But i’m just confused, because just like the immediate family i have grown up with on my mums side, my dad will also very regularly side with my opinion on facebook, but then share a stupid post that totally conflicts my opinion. And i just want to shout at him, tell him he’s getting sucked into the crap people spout on facebook just for a rise out of people because he seriously believes that people get reprimanded for flying the english flag -_- and i want to tell him so bad that his views against immigrants and muslims and islam are so wrong and it’s nothing but racist crap. But at the same time, i don’t want to ruin what relationship we could have. And then at the same time i’m like, do i even want a relationship with this man who thinks it’s ok to beat women up? This man who thinks it’s ok to just let his kid walk away who he would potentially never see again? This man who took absolutely no responsibility when two of his children were taken into care and did nothing to stop it? This man who once gave his pet dog lung cancer from the amount he smokes. This man who i don’t even know.

Sorry, I don't really have any answers because people in general and relations in particular are unexplainable.

I find sometimes people have a different set of rules that they apply to people they know including relations, and strangers and do say very conflicting things.

Thanks for replying, fluffy.

I just don't know if i'm meant to like him or not. I guess the only reason to like him is that he's my dad, 'family'. Maybe he is like me and struggles a lot with keeping communications going which is why we don't seem to 'bond'. But in that respect, i don't particularly bond with anyone in my family. But, at the same time, the man's an a***hole. Does he even deserve my time?

No, he doesn't deserve your time. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it if that's what you are more comfortable doing. Negative feelings can take a lot of effort and end up hurting us more than just accepting people for the seriously crappy things they are.

Your dad, at times, was really a rank person. A criminal sometimes. People change, though.

Do you sense that he wants to improve? If so, I think it would be good for your soul to help him out in that endeavour.

I feel like there is potential for some sort of redemption for most people.

Having real bad issues with my family of origin but different than yours. And I will try not to pass judgement but it will be hard considering how he abamdons his kids which in my mind is deplorable.
You made a choice to get in contact with. I am not judging, I am simply stating a fact. Since you were the one to make contact you are the one who has to make concessions to make the relationship work. He has already shown that he is selfish and self centered, therefore will not change in fact may decide to remove you from his life if you give him any hassle.
I understand the pain it must be to know how little you meant to him, and I am sorry.

My father is a real jerk, too and that is putting it very politely. I left home at 15 and would not have anything to do with him. Maybe 10 years later I "reconciled" with him and learned (confirmed) that he really is a jerk and I want nothing to do with him. I bear him no ill will. It does my life no good to include him. My heart is at peace with this.

I would recommend that you maintain a cordial and distant relationship, just like you have been for three years.

The vulnerable inner child would like to have a different ending to the story; but the wiser adult you, knows that is unlikely and wants to protect the inner child.

You may find some benefits to knowing him. If so, you are entitled to those benefits. Just protect yourself from being hurt or disappointed to badly.

Yes, kortie, he is/was a rank person.

And yeah, i have evidence personally of his wrong doing's, but not as much as what i know has come from other people. And i don't want that to cloud my judgement of him, but at the same time, don't want to be ignorant of that.

I want to be able to take him out for a drink sometime. But i'm crap at initiating such things, he lives in another city, i don't have the money to be taking anyone out for drinks and I dread the long and awkward silences where neither of us will know what to talk about.

Some of that reminds me of my dad, I mean there was no domestic abuse type issues or anything. But my parents did fight a lot when I grew up and eventually got divorced. Well the divorce really f****d my dads like up...he's been homeless and such and just hasn't seemed to pick up a good way to make a living now. I mean now he is making staffs and walking sticks and he and my aunt are trying to sell them. But at the same time like my dad liked Trump and well people like trump only make people in situations like his harder. So Its like I wanted to scream at him he was being an idiot but I couldn't do it.


I mean I love him but, he doesn't understand just like tons of other poor people, they think these right wingers want to speak for them, but they don't care....and I wish I could make him understand that.