Guy avoids me, talks about me, keeps cancelling bible study

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I am so upset and hurt right now because this guy I thought was my friend was talking crap about me to a mutual friend and apparently is mad at me and won't talk to me about it. I hate it when people talk about me to mutual friends when they have an issue with or are mad at me but won't talk to me about it and instead avoid me. It's clear that there is nothing I can do if you won't talk to me but instead talk to others about me. My mutual friend had brought up that he and that guy got together because that guy wanted to talk to him about something and when I asked what it was he said he asked him not to talk about it to anyone else and that it was a sensitive subject. I asked is it about me and he said kind of, and I said is he mad about me and he said I dont know how to answer that. which I took to mean he was mad at me. Why? Why wouldnt he just talk to me about what his issue was with me instead of this other mutual friend. And not tell me?
Also, why would you cancel bible study less than 2 hours before it was supposed to start because of the NBA finals?? Do people not know when the NBA finals are until last minute or..? I'm sorry but this isn't right what they are doing, if they are cancelling bible study because of an issue they have with me and keep making excuses to cancel hoping I eventually will stop going. It's dishonest, passive aggressive and unbiblical. Do you think this is the real reason they keep cancelling bible study? Or are their reasons legitimate?

To some people, the NBA finals are extremely important. Especially if they are basketball fans. I would actually believe the guy in this case.

However.....to talk behind you back wasn't nice---especially for some guy who calls himself a "Christian." What do you think he's mad at you about? It's possible there's some irrational reason why he's "mad" at you.

When you do "Bible study," is it an objective analysis of the Bible? Or is some dominant person trying to force his/her interpretation of the Bible down your throat?

I am not anti-religion, even though I'm an agnostic/atheist. I believe "Bible study," if it's a faithful inquiry into the Bible's meaning, is good. But if it's merely a confirmation of some dominant person's religious beliefs, then it's not so good.

Sometimes it's easier to talk about someone to someone else than to confront the person in question. It's not right, but it's easier. Is this person NT? He may not have the heart to tell you to your face whatever the issue is. Maybe you can get you other friend to tell you what's on his mind.

Is there someone else you can study the Bible with? Maybe you could even start your own Bible study group?

The "I don't know how to answer" part worries me. Sounds like the issue might be with you. But I agree it's not very Christian to be rude to you.

I have been there too. I had no idea I was making my "friends" so angry but I was.

jashley, the sad truth is that even in churches, there are going to be people who don't know what to make of us Aspies, and who talk about us behind our backs. I went through a confused stage in my 20s where I was going to college church groups a lot more to find love in my life than to worship God, and I made some women feel uncomfortable. This led to an incident at a outlet mall where I did not much more than have a brief conversation with a college girl who I had a crush on about a year earlier, and 20 minutes later, I had security screaming at me about the situation, and bringing up stuff that happened at the CHURCH GROUP, and then "banning" me from the place. I found out several years later from a few people I trust, including a person who is a cop, that it all was likely a big scare tactic blown way, way of proportion by the security guards that the girl might not have even had as much to do with, or might have. Who knows. However, I have not been to one church group since that happened in 2010, and also, I have developed OCD a few years ago which makes me kind of have issues wanting to go to church and shake so many people's hands.

There's just so many people who are judging in this world in the manner that the guy you speak of is, and a lot of it is because some people just are not sure how to deal with Aspies, or people who they feel have serious issues they know little about, and some people just go about making the wrong choices in dealing with these kinds of situations. My suggestion to you is to try to find someone else you feel can understand you more to do Bible study with. Likewise, part of me thinks I should try giving a church a try again.

I notice that you seem to post about issues at Church and I am sorry that you keep running into some nasty people who aren't Christians. Do you keep going to the same church or have you changed them?

He sounds like a total azzhole.....but other poster is right....church groups etc don't deal well with different. I avoid them.

Kraftie, generally speaking a bible study is connected to a particular church and therefore their theology. Atheists are welcome to learn but are not to derail the study. There are many atheist groups that get together in person or online. FreeThought comes to mind. Freedom From Religion...and Religionisbullsh!t.com

I totally understand where you are coming from.

So what I'm seeing here is that your "friend", who really isn't much of one, was willing to tell you juuuuust enough of what the other guy said... to get you really upset and leave you feeling way off balance.

That is not how a decent person treats their friends, I don't care what if any religion they pretend to follow.

So they've left you to deal with something nobody has been willing to define, or describe, in sufficient detail for you to do anything about it. Now, what's most likely to happen next? Well, you're going to feel horribly uncomfortable around these people, not knowing who's been talked to behind your back, or what's been said, and not having any idea how to address any of it.

I didn't check to see if your age is posted with your avatar, I'll go back and look in a moment, but here is what I recommend, *if* you feel that you can go through with it.

First: do you have a counselor of any kind? Preferably not a pastoral counselor associated with this pathetic excuse for a house of worship, though, because if the rot goes all the way to the top, that isn't going to help you.

If you do have a counselor, talk to him or her or them about this. Try to explain what I've described, that you've been given a vague report that this guy disapproves of you or dislikes you, no reason given, and that the person who was willing to hurt you by telling you that much wasn't willing to help you by telling you anything of substance so that you could actually constructively address the problem.

Tell the counselor how much you are invested in this church and this study group, because that is very important.

Second: if you have a counselor and have been able to do the first thing, work with him/her/them to figure out if you want to try to address the issue, or would rather cut your losses and ditch these people.

Third: either way, you may want to ask the counselor to help you work out a "script", so that you can talk to the group leader and have the words already prepared. If you want to find out what this person's issues with you are, there are ways you can raise the subject that may prompt an honest reply. That depends on just how decent this group leader is, though. If they're a crumb, they'll try to evade or blame you for asking. So you'll also need to prepare to deal with that - a bit of rehearsing with the counselor can help you. You will want to say your own words, whatever reflects your own style and situation best.

(Pro tip: when the whole environment is just toxic, going "grey rock" and "no contact" is often the most constructive option, because nothing you say or do in good faith will be met with a good faith response. That - the total lack of good faith on the other side of the interaction - is the central issue, keep it in mind.)

On the plus side, if you have a reasonable script you can use, and there is actually a decent human being buried somewhere in this person, he may actually have the grace to feel ashamed of himself and respond to you honorably. This is becoming very rare in our society, though, so you need to prepare for the other thing happening.

Finally, if you feel that you can do it, try to talk to the guy. If you absolutely can't, there's nothing to be ashamed of, but you may find that practicing for awhile - telling your sister in law that you just don't like succotash but you'll eat the baked beans and yams, for instance - or telling the person at work who tries to make everyone eat donuts that you're full, thanks anyway, over and over and over every time they try to force you to eat - makes it easier and easier to talk about bigger and bigger issues.

Well I have just written you a novel, and I'm sorry about that. I'll post this and check your age, since having more or less social contact over time makes some of these things easier, or at least easier to think about. Good luck.

For myself, I stopped attending church because church stopped being about God roughly 20 years ago, and I'm not looking for a social club or an entertainment venue - I wanted a fellowship of people who were trying to learn together how to live decently in a very flawed world.

Passive aggressive people hate confrontation. But that is exactly what this guy would get if I were in your situation. I would call him and ask if he was mad at me, and if he said no, I would tell him, great then, he no longer has to talk behind my back so I don't want to get word that he is.

He will probably continue being passive aggressive, because that is a personality type, but the key is, he is trying to avoid being called on it and that is something I don't let passive aggressive people get away with in situations where they may be defaming me.