Will Self

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I hate my father. He's an as*hole and then some.

I hate my mother for ever having sex with him.

But of course I wouldn't exist if they hadn't! Life is full of peculiar ironies.

Here's another one. Both my mother and my father cheated on their married partners in their first marriages, in which they had had many children, also.

I wouldn't be here if they had not been unfaithful.

So I don't feel guilty about sometimes chasing married women. But my thoughts on life? Well basically the winner takes it all.

I have no friends. I could have been someone. I was one of the brightest students in my class in school but I got bullied mercislessly for being weak. You know why? I have rare Ashkenazi Jewish genes that makes me physically weak.

I remember some bullies beating me up and even feeling sorry for me when they saw me keeling over in severe pain. They were too proud to apologize but I could see somehow they knew what they had done was wrong.

But what does it matter in the end? Everything is ridiculous. If I was Shakespeare I would regale you right now with a brilliant, witty speech but I have nothing. You see, I am what I am.

I read a novel by Will Self called Great Apes in which a man wakes up one morning and finds himself to be a chimpanzee and yet inside he still feels in his soul he is a human.

For me that kind of sums up my life. I feel like I am a separate species from everyone else around me. I fall in love and yet every woman I want is out of reach, because I am, more or less, a separate species.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You take enough rum and everything fades away.

Interesting story. But - if you chase married women - can you wonder that they are unavailable?

Lay off the rum, mate. It's keeping you down. Besides, scotch is much better.

Btw, what is the name of the condition that you have from the Ashkenazi Jews gene? I'm always fascinated by rare diseases.

I don't know, Bea. But I know that it's from my mother who is Ashkenazi Jewish. She and a few of her family members have quite a few physical problems as well.

I'm certain I have something. I know sometimes people think people are hypochondriacs but I have at various times in my life adapted very healthy diets and tried running and other exercise regimes and completely been unable to do them.

My mother's the same too. She eats healthier than most people but is not able to run or cycle. My dad actually eats a slightly less healthy diet but is very physically fit.

I don't know why I'm troubling you folks here with my problems... none of you have done me any harm. It's the world outside. Never been a fan of scotch myself, but I know it's quality product, just not my cup of tea.

Oh shut up. You're not hurting anybody, if they aren't interested, they don't have to read it. I'm interested, so I will.

The physical thing sort of sounds like fibromyalgia - pain upon or shortly after exertion. Coupled with fatigue. But that could still be a myriad of similar but unrelated things. Are both of your parents still living?

I agree on the scotch being better than rum and I could go on about it since it was one of my special interests for a time; not drinking it excessively, but collecting it and learning about everything I could about each distillery, etc. But, I will stop myself since it doesn't help you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your trials. I know having friends in person can be fulfilling on a different level than internet friends, but I hope you realize that I'm sure glad you're here and part of WP. This is definitely a place where we can empathize with each other for support and, you have mine.

I've been thinking about what seem to be common experiences most of us share (ie having rough childhoods, being bullied both verbally and physically). The focus in the mental health field is in diagnosing ASD for people who are on the spectrum. If I envision myself as a clinician diagnosing people with ASD, I would also assume they had PTSD. How could children and young adults growing up in emotionally charged, chaotic, verbally, mentally or physically abusive families and schools NOT have PTSD??

My point is, I think you should acknowledge that you've been through a lot and we're here for you.

^Agree, C-PTSD seems almost inevitable.

Hello Fifasy, Great Apes isn't his best work, I would recommend "Feeding Frenzy" and "How the dead live". "Cocktail And Bull" isn't to bad either.
Read any Martin Amis?

Well, you're right, I am mentally ill. There's no denying that. I may well have post traumatic stress disorder.

The thing is... I don't think anyone gives a damn about ME. Some people maybe but not me. I'm too stupid, too rude, too socially inept. Nobody cares because I don't deserve caring about.

I haven't read any Martin Amis but I've read some of his interviews and I know he inspired Will Self. I should read more really. I am just too tired.

You don't sound crazy. Maybe you just need some rest.
"London Fields" is my favourite Martin Amis novel but I like his autobiography too, it's called "Experience".
Look after yourself despite what you said.

Is Martin Amis the father or the son? (Kingsley Amis is whichever one Martin isn't) I read a few novels by the father.

Fifasy, I care about you.

Kingsley is the father, one of those writers that makes a little go a long way in a sedate fashion.
Martin is the son and his stuff is usually gritty as well as funny.