Terrified myself

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It's been a bad day in that I've been going over my fears for most of the morning and I was just putting some drain unblocker down the bath plug when I was overwhelmed with need to drink it, I DIDN'T DO IT, I've put the lid back on and put it in the back of the cupboard and now I'm just shaky and feel sick. it would be such a stupid thing to do, I think if it killed me it would be slow and painful and that's not how I would want to go. I've really shocked myself because I've had suicidal feeling since I was eight and I know I've been having a lot of these feelings lately but I've never been afraid I would do it suddenly in anger before. It's always felt more sad but with me more in control which in itself I have found comforting.

i have calmed down a lot while writing this.

Drain clog removal would be rough. Hopefully you will cycle back around. I go through cycles as you mentioned.

I’m glad you passed on the idea.

Thank you.

But why do you feel like hurting yourself, Fluffy?

You're such a Fluffy Saurus! I'd rub noses with you any time!

You have good brains, and you have good ideas.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, Fluffy.

Sorry to hear that fluffysaurus, and very glad that you found the strength to resist.

I have known moments like those, and I can appreciate how frightening they are. I can get almost flippant about my suicidal thoughts sometimes, as they can be so frequent, yet usually are so easily resisted; an unhealthy complacency sometimes, I fear. But, every now and then, one comes along which is so spontaneous that it nearly sneaks past my rational thinking, and it scares me witless. I think that the tendency to ruminate is a big part of the problem; I think it can program our subconscious to free-wheel with the pattern of thinking while we're distracted by another task.

I hope you can find some help to resolve some of the underlying fears that are leading to these thoughts, and maybe something to focus on to minimise the rumination in the mean-time.

I wish you much strength in you struggles and fighting the war with your inner demons Milady.

Thank you all for the support. I know it's going to be a tough few days but I am hoping that Monday will give me some information that I can work with as the doctor is going tell me the results of my MRI scans. I'm afraid of being dependent on others because of my obsessive behavour so I'm scared it's MS but if he says it is, then I think I will cope better than I am doing with uncertainty. I don't know what I'm going to do if the answer is 'lets wait and see' though.

((fluffysaurus))

And it's a new day... how are you today, Fluffysaurus?