How to overcome shame and self-hatred?

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I'm tired of constantly feeling miserable, and I think I need some help.

Like many of us, I've struggled with a pervasive sense of shame and self-hatred for almost my entire life. I genuinely don't want to feel this way anymore. Intellectually, I know that I deserve to feel just as much contentment and self-love and I imagine the most happy, successful, and socially accepted Neurotypicals must feel. I can remember truly enjoying life as a child, so I know it must be something I'm capable of feeling, but I've only felt more and more deeply depressed and worthless as my life has gone on. Intellectually, I know that my shame and self-loathing are the result of things people have told me over the years that I internalized even though they were completely wrong, and I don't buy for a second the "medical" opinion that Autistics are simply biologically predisposed to depression-- I think the condition is caused by how others treat us. My whole life I've always felt strong urges to be kind because I feel intense empathy when I understand how others are feeling, and I've always genuinely cared about others, even though in the beginning I didn't know yet how they needed me to express it. When I was a small child, I can remember having no social anxiety, and I was able to make friends with random strangers easily until I started gradeschool and the other kids began excluding me because I was "weird." Over the years, as I was rejected, snapped at, and ridiculed more and more for attempts I made to connect with genuinely good intentions, I became more and more socially anxious, more and more depressed, and more convinced that I was an inherently bad and unwanted human being, even though the true intentions in my heart were almost always pure.

When I finally discovered as an adult that I am Autistic, it became worse than ever. Now I seem to feel that there's not even any point in me trying to pursue my dreams, because deep down I feel as though I was born a evolutionary failure who's meant to be culled from the gene pool. Of course, I understand intellectually that these things can't possibly be true, and that the way Neurotypicals think about us and treat us is deeply wrong, and shockingly un-empathetic, my underlying feelings seem to be the precise opposite. Even though I'm actually quite successful, probably talented, well loved by my friends for who I really am, and genuinely care and try to be a good person, I'm sad all the time and I've lost all motivation and enjoyment for the things I used to love. I realized that I can't even motivate myself to go exercise in the gym at my apartment because since I found out I'm Autistic, I'm now ashamed to even be seen by others.

Has anyone here successfully overcome the depression, shame, and internalized self-loathing? My first problem is my very low motivation, because to take any steps at all I need to find some motivation first.

What are some baby steps I can take to build up motivation?
What are some things I can do to learn to feel better about myself, and to have fun doing the things I used to love?
The first thing I wanted to try is compassion meditation (focused towards myself) to see if I can learn to love myself again. However, I'm drawing a blank on other ideas.

I think I desperately need help, because I think about suicide a lot, I'm addicted to pills, and I seem almost incapable of actually enjoying myself. I don't think I deserve to feel this way at all and I want to change it, and reclaim the feeling of being worthy and fulfilled that seems to have been stolen from so many Autistics by the misguided words and actions of Neurotypicals. Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this ! !

You don't mention counseling or psychotherapy. I think that would be the first step. I don't necessarily agree that only therapists "specialized" in adult autism can do you any good, as many at WP would insist. Try to find a good therapist and mutually educate each other, even asking her/him to read articles or books on the subject. I say this because it can be darn difficult to find someone in your area with that experience, and that could lead you to bypassing therapy completely.

I used to keep a list of "things that are going to happen" and read it every morning and actively worked on the things on the list just a little bit, or at least plant the seeds in my mind early in the morning. The first thing on it was "I'm going to have a good day today". And then look for things to smile about throughout the day. It might not be a good day, but I found a penny on the ground, and I saw some little finches or sparrows busy doing what they do and thought they were amazing.
It was really interesting to see some of the things on my list actually happen over time, some of them I really didn't expect at all.
I think that small goals help. If the only goal I have to think about is a very large six month goal it's harder to see day to day progress and easy to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. So small daily goals working toward a larger long term one. It's easier to see real progress and you get something to feel good about everyday.
I think that any time I'm trying to make a change it helps to start early in the morning. Before I have coffee or breakfast. Doesn't have to be much. Maybe it's ten push-ups while I'm heating up water. Maybe it's just strumming my guitar a couple of times. It's kind of like the seal is broken then. The hardest part (getting started) is already done. And after I've gotten started I have a hard time stopping. I can't get whatever it is out of my mind after that, so it doesn't feel like work.
Mindfulness and compassion helps, too. I think.
Now I'm getting scattered, so I'm going to stop writing.
I hope you can find things to help you on your way.

Your thought-provoking description of your confidence when very young sent chills up my spine. I think you've described the transition process a lot of us have gone through, and one of the mechanisms whereby we fail to achieve our potential. As it turns out, I have been giving some serious thought to these very same questions in the last couple of months, and I'm way older than you.

You are right that this is going to be a now-and-future problem for you. I think you will have to work hard to set personal boundaries that help defend against it.

As for motivation, as user elbowgrease has pointed out, there are some ways to focus down to granular things that you control and build some accomplishments one step at a time. I'd suggest you focus on things whose outcome you alone tend to control--in other words, not requiring the approval of others. You're going to have to find some validation somewhere. If it cannot be from the peer group or environment you now are in, it will have to be from another environment, or from yourself. If some of your work involves things that are objectively evaluated (e.g., certifications, grades, etc.), then I would attempt to focus on this. While others easily can detract and gaslight on these subjects, in moments when you aren't so weak you'll be able to reassure yourself that you have met the grade and that the detractors are full of B.S. Try to accomplish one thing a day, and use tricks like the other commenter suggested. Remember to be easy on yourself, and be selective as possible on whom you trust with your time and personal information. Your idea of meditation is a good one. Expansion of any of your interests that promotes a positive impression of yourself is a good idea.

Also, I'm afraid you'll also have to find a way to stop self-medicating. I dulled my own pain for years by drinking, and for over a decade I have stopped that. Drugs will definitely make you feel empowered for awhile, but in the end it will be much, much, worse. I feel so much better without this crutch and I am sure you will too, but it's a long effort.

I think a lot of people feel that way. I think NT’s typically act out rather than act in.

I’m doing some 12 step work to help.

I’m trying to remember to challenge my critical parent using affirmations.

I was talking to a friend about shame. It’s deep stuff and has to with believing messages that are my core negative beliefs and I don’t have the ability to contain them outside myself and ask “is this true/untrue/or I need more information”.

I think staying present and thinking productively thoughts is the best solution right now. Easier said than done.

My shame is I’m a dancer and once I was outed people rejected and shunned me. My motives are so pure. I started dancing to escape domestic violence and I was Christaij preschool teacher before with a degree-it didn’t pay my bills. I couldn’t believe someone could judge my whole worth as a person based on stereotypes from TV. Ironically, I feel more love and accepted at work. When I tried to find a job outside of the club I couldn’t and didn’t Know should I HAD TO lie to NT’s about it. I’m a good person. I have my issues, but I didn’t deserve that judgment. I guess People have a right to their own opinion, and it there lost im loyal, kind, smart, and respectful.

Although, I think being bullied my whole life and being abused has given me a lot of shame. Out society is sick. I’m realizing it’s a dog eat dog world out there and I have to be very careful who I let in my personal life. Most people just want to use me. I guess I have to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst and set boundaries. I’m not giving up, but I need to lick my wounds.

I realize that’s it their programming- their beliefs from their parents, peers, and religion. They are not judging me based on my merit. They don’t know me well enough. Everyone judges. It’s survival instinct- it doesn’t have anything to with me.

I think it’s important to challenge the critical parent with self-love and acceptance.

I’ve been doing a lot of shame work. I go to a 12 step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional Families. They are nice to me...lol.

Take care.