Feeling Attachment towards Toxic people

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I am unsure of where to post this if here or social skills but I have noticed a recurring pattern whereby I would realize rationally that a friendship is toxic or maybe even entirely one sided yet even still I irrationally still have feelings of attachment/respect/etc and it's very hard to do away with this. Things like liking their mannerisms/jokes/etc. It causes a lot of internal conflict because I would know, from reading about psychology topics that there is likely manipulative tactics/gaslighting and what not going on. So these emotions are 100% against my best interest as they themselves are the avenue from which to be manipulated. I kind of want to call up one of these "Friends" and say angry things just to put closure on it and ensure it is done with forever, just to get rid of the false & manipulative tendencies. However that may be exactly what they want so rationally what would be better is to silently kill all "warm happy friendship" feelings for the person, never speak to them again and have them become nothing more than a stranger of poor character. I feel torn because my desire right now is for just "No More" but that contradicts my emotional state about it.

I think the first times I noticed this kind of thing would be in high school. Not people who reject me per say, but simply peers who I found to be of poor character and seem to try to influence me in ways that I dislike. What bothered me is that from the emotional side of things I liked these people and never stopped liking them though rationally I always resent their behaviour as unacceptable. They would do things like hard drugs as well as pressure others to do so both which are against my moral code so for that I hate them(Peer pressure is absolutely despicable IMO), so it's like liking them & hating them at the same time.

I've noticed my tedancy to CONSTANTLY be taken advantage of by abusive, belittling, and gaslighting (narcissistic and BPD) friends, family members, etc. They seek those people who have poor boundaries, or those who cannot enforce their boundaries. It could be something as small as touching your things, saying something cruel and you not telling them to stop, and so on. They have those of us on their radar, and they suck us into their orbit.

Many of us have had personality disordered or tragically abusive upbringings by our immediate family. They also may have enabled the opposite parent to drink, use drugs, or be abusive. What this does is cause us to be beacons for abuse in every aspect of our lives. It may cause us to begin enabling other's bad behaviors--like second-guessing whether or not we caused someone to react a particular way--and/or become controlling and abusive ourselves.

Over time, I've begun to notice just how toxic the people I've willingly allowed to be in my life are/have been. I have since looked up red flags and started pushing them away once they begin displaying any. It gets easier once you start believing you're worth more than being treated like trash. It takes being self-confident and cutting crappy people out.

Would have replied sooner but never got any alerts via email despite being subscribed to topic. Unless they went to Spam, as I never look there?

Agreed with all of this.


When I started believing it that's when I really notice it. And it just simply seems like I may be magnet for such people, like I just generally need to cut out 80%-90% of all people I meet.

I seem to far more often meet BPD + Narcissistic people than is probably typical, and my experiences with them are such that I immediately write off any possible friendship and they become nothing to me. As that has always invariably been how I was to them. I believe they fundamentally do not view others as human beings. Only themselves as they place themselves above all others, quite like a God Complex.

My attitude is one of being far more likely in many cases to believe the opposite of what someone believes about themselves. People with low self esteem often are good people. People with extremely inflated egos tend to be extremely terribly people, in proportion to their inflated sense of self. Those who view themselves as among the greatest in history of mankind are far more likely to be actually among the worst. Most of the historical figures like the most famous scientists, tended to actually be very humble people. Such as Albert Einstein.


I have found a little about red flags but how can I find more, to have a really comprehensive listing & understanding of them?

I genuinely wish to never again tolerate such incredibly toxic individuals, to any degree.

NOTE: Some of the specific examples in the numbered list could be triggering; if you have experienced any type of abuse, please be cautious in reading them.

I've had similar experiences. I think it's easier to be taken advantage of when you're on the spectrum, and easier to feel like you don't deserve to be treated fairly as well.

These are some of the generally abusive/ manipulative things I've seen in those I'm close to. They may not be as useful as "red flags," but they can perhaps help evaluate past and current relationships:

1. Saying one thing, then doing something in direct contradiction with it. This one is tricky, because plenty of NTs in general seem to do this. But in combination with other traits it can be indicative of someone who is manipulative or narcissistic. This is especially so if the thing they say seems to indicate that they like you, think you are valuable, or believe in you, and the thing they do in conjunction is very hurtful. It's hard for me to come up with solid examples of this for some reason.
2. Trying to argue with you about what you say you are feeling. There are these things called "I-Statements," which follow the general format of "I feel _____ when ______." It's not supposed to be possible to argue with these, because you cannot tell someone they aren't feeling a certain way. An abusive or narcissistic person will try to anyway, often in very subtle and manipulative ways. (i.e. "You're not really depressed; I think you're just tired and we should continue this conversation later because you're not thinking clearly," then refuses to continue the conversation later)
3. Trying to make everything about them. I see this a lot in my family. It was an almost daily occurrence when I tried to explain what was wrong or why I didn't feel well. I'd get some really stupid, incomparable, or false response. This is very commonly paired with the individual demeaning your experiences and becoming defensive or denying that they are trying to detract from your statement when they are called on it; a healthy response would be to apologize and state that that was not the intent instead. This can be indicative of gaslighting and narcissism. (i.e. "I just feel really tired and need to be alone for a while" is responded to with "Well, how do you think I feel, having to clean this house and take care of you all day? You have no reason to complain," with a response of "You're being ridiculous" when you try to protest).
4. Making grandiose statements or actions regarding self-harm or self-hatred when any kind of attack, real or imagined, is leveled against them. Can be common with borderline personality disorder as well as narcissism. This is an extremely passive-aggressive response to what could be a reasonable or at least relatively mild remark for which they have no logical answer. It is a response to what they feel is an attack on their character, whether it is or not. Could also be in response to something that could perhaps be worded in a more sensitive manner, but it is generally an extreme overreaction. (i.e. "I really wish you would quit nagging me" is responded to with "Well, I'm just a horrible person, aren't I? I should just go kill myself because I'm clearly not good for anything.")
5. Actually attempting to tell you something that happened did not happen. Basically straight gaslighting. Can be used to explicitly deny actions of abuse.
6. Refusing to take accountability for actions. Often accompanied by excuses and may be manifest by 2, 3, 4, or 5 listed above. May also be manifest by:
7. Making the fault yours. This is a way of taking criticism or expression of feelings and making them your fault by placing the blame on you. Narcissistic and manipulative. (i.e. "I only did what I did because you made me so angry" as an excuse for some type of abusive maneuver; scarily, it can also be, "I only did what I did because I love you so much," or "I was trying to teach you a lesson; if you do things properly, you'll never have to feel this way again.")
8. Lying to try and cover up their actions to others. This can often involve really convoluted stories that the receiving parties actually believe because the person who delivers them is convincing about them, despite their being full of holes in retrospect, or because the alternative is to believe something that would be very frightening or sad, such as a loved one being abused. Narcissistic trait.
9. Explicit statements or actions that are threatening to your wellbeing, or are humiliating or degrading. May be followed by threats to harm themselves or you if you retaliate or say anything to anyone else.
10. Insists to know what you are doing or where you are going at all times. Will become inexplicably angry if what you tell them and what happens deviate in any fashion, even if for very good reason or due to unavoidable circumstances.

In terms of earlier red flags for those who could be abusive or narcissistic, I'm not sure it's possible to create a comprehensive list, but here are some I know of; some may be more applicable in romantic situations. Hopefully at least some are helpful:

* Telling you too much too soon about their history, or asking very personal questions about yours early on (being autistic means it's actually hard for me to get a solid feeling for this, and I'm still not sure how much is appropriate to tell people when, myself; I generally can only see this in retrospect when comparing to other relationships)
* Extreme niceness; it feels as though the person is willing to endlessly give without asking anything at all. (Note that some people are just very nice; the abusive sort is probably very smooth and something about their presentation will seem "too good to be true," but this can be hard to see until later on at times)
* Previously ignored you or even treated you badly, but is suddenly very nice to you for no apparent reason
* Speaks poorly of others, but treats you well; may also say things that indicate you are special or different in some way that means you will apparently be an exception
* Seems very balanced and calm early on, but begins to become more volatile. May at first apologize for their behavior quite quickly or it may only happen in certain circumstances, such as when under the influence of substances, but become worse and more frequent.
* May quickly create the impression that the two of you are very close or fundamentally compatible
* Is "very comfortable" around you early on; may be indicated by their words or their actions
* Speaks very well of themselves, but may then try to downplay their stated accomplishments to seem humble when they are not
* May, especially in conjunction with above, say things that suggest that they normally wouldn't hang around or bother with people like you, but that you are an exception (they are normally very sneaky about this and you won't even realize it's happening until the conversation is over)
* Constantly refers to themselves as "a nice person," and not in a joking way; niceness generally doesn't need to be stated out loud this way
* Gossips or criticizes others needlessly
* May consistently make small jokes at your expense and say that you are "too sensitive" if you express discomfort or upset at this (close friends may tease a bit, but generally they apologize once they realize they are upsetting you and refrain from this in the future)
* Any kind of lying


Basically ANY communication that leaves you feeling particularly confused, overwhelmed, or guilty for some reason you can't understand or ANY communication that leaves you feeling vaguely "creeped out" or like something is wrong means you should at the very least take a step back and think. Those of us on the spectrum may need additional processing times for some of these things. It may turn out to be nothing, but any reasonable person who's worth having in your life will probably ultimately understand if you do come to the conclusion that they're safe and healthy people and explain to them later. It may change the tenor of the relationship and you might miss some opportunities at times if you misread, but I think that's a reasonable price to pay compared to the damage unhealthy and abusive people can cause.