Hi,
(I am new here. Sorry in advance that I am not that good at writing about things like this.)
After wanting to find help for a while now, I finally found this forum.
I wanted to find help or maybe talk to people who might experience what I do.
I think this will be easier if I just write about the things that make me believe I most likely have aspergers.
Even when I was a young child I had a feeling something was wrong with me, I noticed things the other kids did not and I seemed to always question everything. Thinking back now, that should have raised red flags right then.
All the other children to me seemed oblivious ( i do not mean this in a bad way at all) I always saw the danger in things and was super carefull. When I was 4 years old we learned how to read, the others had to use their books when tested by the teacher, yet I had somehow memorised the whole story, pages long, word for word and did not use my book to read it out loud.
I remember being very self-aware, I did not like doctors at all and I still don't. I did not want anyone but my mother to touch me. In sport's class I often refused to sport just because I kept thinking about how things could go wrong if I did this or that.
I also found it awfull to go on excursions and would pretend to be sick, this continued even until I was 17. I panick because I do not like going to place I don't perfecly know. And I need to know exactly what will happen and when or my mind freaks out. For example, one night before a week long excursion I almost choked on some food. I spend 2 hours walking around the table terrified to die on the excursion by choking on food. I was send on the excursion and only ate a tiny bit of soup the entire week. The teachers panicked because I refused to eat while we were doing walks in the forest that took hours. I only ate when I was back home.
After that I refused to go to almost anywhere at school. Often getting into trouble for skipping school. I had no problems learning but the moment it was something different like sports or excursion it would make me panick.
After a while I even figured out I suffer from OCD, I count things and feel forced to check if cables are plugged in well by pushing them so hard that my fingers hurt. Every night the same pattern.
I am also terrified of hospitals or any form of operations. I feel like my mind must understand EVERYTHING and I must find a solution to problems or else it feels like my mind just crashes. I am usually exhausted if we get visitors even if I know the people and like them, my mind just kind off overloads.
Going to the store or even outside is hell for me. I maybe go out once in a whole month. I very rarely visit a doctor, maybe three times a year and that would be A LOT for me.
I hate my life at this point and I try so hard to calm my mind but it doesn't seem to help. I panic over the smallest things. For example "What if I have to use the bathroom at work?? will I be allowed to go or will they laugh at me?". This is stopping me from finally having a job.
People that meet me say they don't think anything is wrong with me because I talk to them and they think I am smart.
I always think that I would rather be less smart and have a normal life then be smart and feel locked in my mind. I envy people who can just jump on their bike and make a quick run to the store. Or just go to their friends.
I already know that this, whatever this is with my mind, will make sure I will never be able to marry, date or even have kids. Even my older sister is angry because I didn`t went to her her 50th birthday party because of this. I wish someone could understand me. How I feel like my life is always just out of my reach. And I miss the smallest things before it got so bad. Even just the most basic things like combing my hair take an effort.
I just don`t know what to do anymore.
10 Sep 2018, 6:47 pm
it would be a bit too weird.
