I feel like I’m going insane.

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Wrong Planet is certainly one way to describe how I feel, and ultimately that’s why I here. I have a few things that keep nagging me and I want to know if there is anybody else is out there who also deals with these issues.

1. My method of stimming is drawing, but unfortunately not all jobs let you do that. It’s gotten to the point where I learn more in class if I draw than if I take notes.

2. I do not understand why people get upset at violence to human beings’ sensitive spots or anywhere for that matter. It isn’t a matter of why on a moral level- that sort of stuff is depraved- but my trouble is that no matter how hard I try to understand the fear and panic, it seems my mirror neurons do not work enough to be afraid of that happening to me. It makes me feel a bit awkward, especially since my fiancé is really squeamish.

3. Why do the mirror neurons work when it’s animals but not people?

4. I’ve understood that I have gender dysphoria but that’s also a characteristic of ASD so is it its own separate thing or specifically the result of Autism? Yes, I’m trans.

5. Does anybody else have their own personas that they slip into during certain social situations? Does anybody else give them their own names?

Before you tell me, “seek help” on any of these points- I’ve discussed this with my psychiatrist plenty of times before and she’s (for whatever reason) treating it like a normal symptom or something. I’ve also been handling and managing them on my own time rather well, but these weird things might actually be messed up to other people, especially neurotypical folks.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I doubt most would find what you're relating "messed up," though some--perhaps NTs in particular--might find some of it odd or unrelatable.

1) Yes, I experience issues with stimming in order to try and focus properly. Lately I've been using one of those fake furball keychain things, just kind of petting it and whatnot. It's soft and soothing and helps when the world basically feels like its encroaching on me. I've been having to do it at work lately, which isn't always practical as I need to write, type, and generally present myself as an adult to the world.

2) I don't think fear or panic in response to the mere idea of such violence is necessarily normal. The response you mentioned of knowing its wrong and thinking those are awful things to do to people certainly is. I have a more immediate fear response to that sort of thing only because I've experienced it; I think my response would be closer to yours otherwise. I think the fear and panic come from either experience or having reason to believe it may happen to you, or quite possibly hearing about it second hand or seeing happen to someone else. Secondary trauma like that is relatively common, I think.

3) I don't think there are any proper studies on mirror neurons in humans because it would require direct insertion of tools into a person's skull. The mirror neuron theory is only one of many theories. If you mean why is it easier to relate to or connect to animals, that's a complicated question that there's many theories for. I personally feel that for me it's to do with the fact that there aren't all these layers of excess nonverbals to try and parse, making it easier to simply see what's there with animals.

4) Unfortunately, I think it's nearly impossible to separate a person from their autism, so you may never get a solid answer for yourself on that. I experience gender dysphoria too; I thought I was transmale for a while, but I realized nonbinary makes more sense for me. I feel like my autism probably plays a large role, but it's hard to say exactly. But regardless, your trans-ness is part of you and your autism is too.

5) I used to have personas of sorts I used as a teenager to try to deal with life and "look normal" (which didn't really work). I've heard NTs say they sort of step into different roles depending on what's going on and who's around; it's probably not as pronounced for them, though. I don't really have personas like that now, but I still kind of carry them around with me like imaginary friends in my head. And yes, they have names.

I didn't find any of that weird.

Some of NTs reactions are not so much reflections of how they feel but what they want others to think of them.

Talking about how upset they are by something bad happening to someone else, is a way of showing their

sympathy and caring nature (a display of empathy). Talking about fears is an opportunity to display understanding

and to bond (shared vulnerabilities). I don't mean to imply none of it's genuine but that the display and show of it

is not a good reflection of how genuinely upset they are. Something bad happening to someone else, not closely

related/associated rarely puts anyone off their dinner.