Marriage advice needed

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I have made the worst mistake an autistic person can make. I got married when i was 19. Im now 23 and realizing i never should have thought that i am worth of being a wife.

So married a man who i thought was similar to me. He had social anxiety and depression and was lonely, just like me. And we both liked scifi movies. I was naive and i thought we were like soulmates. He knew im autistic and was fine with it.

Well, soon after getting married i got a condition that makes sex extremely painful, most of the times impossible. I still keep trying to fix it with all kinds of treatments, these days i go physical therapy and next year possibly have surgery... Its not my fault i have this condition, but i no longer feel like a woman.

Now he is allowed to have sex with other women. He mostly sexts to them. Anyways, i hate having to allow my husband cheat on me. I hate myself every moment i see him chatting to someone on his phone, or when he is "going out with his friends". I had to allow it because he kept threatening to leave me if i cant have sex. I didnt want to lose him...

These days, everyday, he keeps blaming me on his depression. He keeps talking for hours, always the same things. He tells how i have no compassion, no passion, i dont support him, i dont respond in ways he wants me to... He keeps telling that trying to get sex from other women is too stressful and its my fault he has to do it... I have ruined his life... I just listen quietly, trying not to cry. I dont have the skills to communicate when im being blamed on.

I keep having this naive hope that maybe some day my condition would be cured and maybe then i would be happily married. I really try hold on to this thought. Also, divorcing would leave me lonely, depressed and financially broke. I dont have any friends or anybody who would support me through divorce. Also, its impossible to find another man who accepts an autistic woman and doesnt need sex, so i would be forever alone. I would probably just kill myself in the end.

So tell me, should i divorce now, or wait till he wants to leave? Either way, it probably wont end well.

This is a hard one...but I would lean towards getting a divorce.

The guy sounds like he's emotionally abusive to you. He's doing what's called "victim blaming."

Also: there is such thing as "making love" without penile/vaginal sex. Does only "penetration" hurt? Or does any contact with your genital regions hurt?

I'm very sorry to hear about all you're having to deal with.

Your husband seems to have a very selfish and twisted view of what marriage has meant for centuries if not longer: "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death to us part.". You have a sickness with your physical issues related to intimacy and rather than stick by you as a team and try to work things out together he cheats on you right in front of you and blames YOU for his "need" for infidelity? And he has the audacity to tell you the YOU have no compassion? Wow. I hate hearing stories like this because such behavior gives the rest of us men who would never dream of such things a very bad reputation by association.

I think you need to go to a marriage counselor ASAP and hopefully your husband would agree to it.

You should NOT feel guilty about your current physical situation. Did you create your problem or ask for it to be this way? Of course not. I don't know if you're talking about vaginismus or something else and the reason for your issues is of course personal and should totally remain so unless you desire to share further.

If he's unwilling to change and unwilling to stick by you and figure out how to adapt to or get through this together and is bent on continuing to cheat on you, berate you, blame you (unreal), then you may have to decide to cut your losses and end the marriage. Only you can decide that though. You may have a strong urge to ask others for advice as to whether you should divorce him. No one can make that decision but you.

Poor dear. My first marriage when I was young (not as young as you were) was a huge mistake and was toxic for both of us. I can empathize with you and you definitely have my sympathy.

We're here to help you any way we can.

This relationship doesnt sound good for you. You dont seem happy with it. Thats why your complaining about it. So consider getting a divorce. If you need help with money get a room mate. Eventually you will find someone who accepts you for who you are.

I'm guessing the two of you don't have kids; in that case, there's no moral reason, as far as I can see, why the two of you shouldn't divorce. If you do have kids, of course, then there certainly is.

That said, I think you should make an effort to stick together, not because you fear being alone (that's just silly and childish), but because these things can usually be rectified, albeit with a lot of work, and you'll feel much better having solved your problems than having run away to find another man who will inevitably also fall short of your expectations (human beings always do).

I recommend, if it's feasible, getting together, both of you, with a marriage counselor. Being married so young, I also assume you're religious; churches/ synagogues/ mosques/ etc. will be able to help the two of you with the problems you're having.

But whatever you do, don't go assuming that there's something wrong with you (or him) just because you have marital problems - ALL marriages have problems and, indeed the majority are plagued with them. Don't go assuming that the real world works like the world of Hollywood where a man or woman turns up and solves all of your problems. Everything in life, including - perhaps most of all - marriage requires endless work. This is actually a law of physics, namely, the second law of thermodynamics.

my marriage had ended in a double meltdown, when our child was 1 year old. yes, asperger+asperger. keyed and triggered each other. we had been happy for a long time before. somehow the child appears to be NT. all the issues of "i am not worthy of X", - its only depression speaking. its very hard to not listen, when ur organism is deprived of endorphines. it comes fast from "i am not worthy to be X" to "i am not worthy to be". which is fundamentally wrong. i am still dealing with what happened nearly 4 years ago, and i cant say i know the answer. but i know i am worthy to be, and so are u. maybe, just maybe, that guy is not worthy to be ur husband, like others had sayed. problems, pains, locks within the keys. this state of lost part of one's life. there will be a new dawn, even if right now u are fighting an endless night. need to stay up to see it.

Asking total strangers on marriage advice? Where can this go wrong???? Let us see what the internet suggests:

SEX AND ASPERGER’S SYNDROME This seems like one valid approach.

Here is another perspective. What it’s like to have sex with someone with Asperger’s

From my own observation, I have never found the act of sex to be all that it was cracked up to be. But what I found to be very exciting was called by an old fashion name "spooning". That is the act of cuddling, sensual kissing and erotic touching. You might give that a go.

You are worth more than this guy. I feel really sorry your suffering his selfish views on marriage.

I think you should divorce him and just take your time to find someone who will love you for everything you are. Some people dont need sex to make them happy.

If you stay in this toxic environment you will only find it gets even worse.

Spooning is like an extended version of foreplay. It can last for an hour or longer.

When I was in college, I had a girl who took pity on me and showed me how to kiss. She was from South America and the girls there are much more adept in that area. She explained to me all the different types of kissing such as the simple kiss, the French kiss, the truly romantic kiss, the kiss that leaves a mark (Hickey Kiss) and we practiced each technique and several others.

But the most important kiss of all was the truly romantic kiss. The secret is that it is all done with the eyes. First you need to be alone and remain perfectly quiet. You need to look deep within their eyes until you can see the shadow of their soul, then you slowly move your faces together without breaking eye contact. And then kiss the girl on her lips. She demonstrated the technique and I could see her point. I would have never known, not in a million years.

Thatweirdo, you are absolutely worth being the love of someone's life and a life partner. The current situation you are in is an emotionally abusive one, and one that makes you feel like you are worthless. You are not worthless. This guy you married is not worth the ground you walk on. It is not okay for a spouse to have sex with someone other than the other spouse, even with "permission." I am so sorry you are going through this.

Other posters have made some good suggestions for things to try, but I sort of suspect, from your description of the situation, that you are better off getting out of there, fast. Just my opinion though, you have to decide for yourself.

People here will support you whatever decision you make.