They’re always stranger than they have to be, too.
Just woke up from this one, wherein I’m not even sure I was myself or someone else. Seemingly with friends who I apparently knew, though never having met anyone like them in real life, in some well done basement. Things seemed fine at first but then I noticed a chain and collar around my neck keeping me there.
By nightfall I was left alone and the basement was dark and drab. I’m not sure if I was secured to a table or if I was just too terrified to move, as a sense of dread came over me as I seemed to except something really bad to happen. This terrible creature came down from the bulkhead, all I could tell was that it seemed female, and it started tearing all my skin off like a sheet of paper.
I don’t know if at that point I “relived” it as I tried to escape knowing it would happen again, since I had my skin back. I already felt pretty young, and had someone even younger with me, but it seems only I made it through the bulkhead despite the other kids efforts to knock me back down inside.
At some point it changed a bit but my brain seemed to want to imply it’s how I got into that mess in the first place. I don’t recall much other than that it was pretty convoluted and took place in some dark, stuffy bar, kinda reminded me of some of what Laura Palmer went through in Fire Walk With Me if anyone has ever seen that.
What was most odd is, after the escape, I somehow turned into John Marston of Red Dead Redemption fame, and the person chasing me was Dutch van der Linde, antagonist of said series. Very specific, especially considering I hadn’t played either game for at least over a month now. In any case, this part is a bit silly now, but I always feel like I’m not gaining any speed when chased in nightmares.
I did manage to not get caught before I woke up, but I had to run and sneak through Tall Trees, probably the creepiest area in both games considering how comparatively quiet it is as well as the killers that reside there. Even had to sneak through a confusing shack that doesn’t exist in those games, oddly more akin to the nest the shibito build in Siren, but the weirdest part was that the premise was I didn’t want to alert John’s wife, who was apparently living there, perhaps not to draw attention to her from Dutch is all I could figure. Not long after, I awoke.
Not likely to find out what any of it means, but I just hate that it seems I never have any good dreams, especially now considering it feels like there was even some sexual connotation to the first part in the basement, nothing outright I can describe but just an underlying feeling.
Since I confessed my feelings to my workplace crush about over a week ago, at first she seemed ok but then suddenly dead silent for the rest and seemingly avoiding me at work. Hasn’t unfriended me but I figured she must be too polite to be honest with me...or maybe she just doesn’t care. Either way I took it upon myself to just deactivate Facebook since not many others seem to know I exist anyway, and then I thought why not just end all of my internet socializing? And only speak when spoken to at work, or just in general, for good measure.
Maybe it means that feeling like I like someone, getting to know them for months on end, opening up with them, only to have them disappear every single time without exception, may as well be torture, so why should I go looking for it?
No one who hasn’t played either RDR game are likely to get this, but Dutch started off as a sort of Robin Hood type, only to become increasingly stressed as his worldview crumbled and he isolated himself, perhaps only riding with those as dead inside as he was by the end, with nothing to lose. People complain that John wasn’t as virtuous as Arthur as a protagonist, but I feel that was the point - with Arthur gone, both John and Dutch regularly relied on the excuse: “I had no choice.” for their mistakes. Maybe John running from Dutch, which never happens in either game, meant something more like me not being able to escape my true nature as a showman turned hollow. I just can’t keep trying to do this over and over again when it’s clear I’m only ever valued as a tool for others to use, and dropped unceremoniously as soon as I express any of my own desires.
Kinda counterproductive to be posting here if I’m to try to isolate myself, but maybe it’s one last call for anyone or anything before I decide to do anything more extreme.
_________________
Once there were trees full of birds,
meadowlands vibrant with flowers.
Carefree the songs our children once sang,
gilding our minutes and hours;
Clouds came and covered the sun,
the breath of a baleful unease,
turning to ashes flowers in their fields,
silenced the birds in the trees.
17 Dec 2018, 4:07 am
