Discussing grief with a friend

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Just over a month ago I discovered an aspie friend of mine in his late teens (we're not overly close but he's more than an acquaintance) had lost his mum. Tragically, she had a recurrence of cancer that was not curable. This had given him time to process the impending loss so it was not a sudden passing.

Since her death he has kept this news private from many of his friends (including me). I was also not aware of her battle over the past year, he never brought it up.

Not being aware of her passing, I was encouraging him to attend a car show the same week she died and he appeared keen to come. Being a big event, I almost missed bumping into him but I found him at one point.

We chatted for about 5 minutes and then I took him to find another mutual friend to say hi before he told us he had to get going home. There was nothing really amiss with the conversation topics and he seemed to be acting his usual self.

We let him head off and then my friend dropped a bombshell: "He seems to be coping very well for someone who lost his mum a week ago"

I became visibly shocked and speechless with this comment and needed a few moments to process the situation before asking my friend to repeat what he said. My friend then mentioned he had only found out through someone else and then maybe shouldn't have mentioned it himself.

Another person with us who didn't know our friend make a fair comment that some get on with life after a death rather than "crying into their cornflakes".

We all discussed that it was really sad to lose his mum at that young age, and for a parent to die before they get to meet their grandkids is too soon. I know I'd really struggle with a loss of parent at that age if I was in his position. I didn't want to show I was obsessing with the sudden turn of events so I left my friends and spent much of the next hour walking around on my own trying to process the news.

When I got home I did some Google and Facebook searching and was able to find posts that confirmed the death and just how recent it was.

In the next couple of days I decided he must want to keep his grief private from most of us and leave his friends as an escape and distraction from the situation, rather than project his pity on us.

I have been able to chat to him on Facebook every couple of days and seen him briefly in person a few times since the car show. Every time he acts his normal self as it nothing is wrong and he hasn't appeared depressed or mourning in any real sense. This could be the aspie in him, not feeling grief in the usual way. I also know he is pushing through with work, not giving himself a break, although he has mentioned an interstate road trip with his dad next month.

Part of me would like to attempt to discuss how he is feeling and make sure is coping beyond the facade he has put up. I feel I am walking on eggshells worried I'll bring it up at the wrong moment anyway.

I am also worried on the other hand, as by now I might be one of his only friends he forgot to mention the situation and that might be making me look heartless by not checking in on him and just chatting normally.

At the same time it is hard to ask others as they might not know what is going on, and this is definitely not a situation to gossip about. Once the cat is out of the bag, everyone might rally around him with belated support and that might not be what he is seeking from us. This could then damage my friendship once he finds out who spread the news.

Also, is it OK to discuss any of my own personal problems with him? I feel anything going on my life is nothing compared to the challenge he is dealing with.

I would appreciate some advice.

Last edited by Thomas1986 on 17 Dec 2018, 12:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

As an autistic it takes a long time for me to process grief.
Like, it just doesn't compute for weeks, months, years.
I also hate talking about it.

It would be ok if you said "Sorry to hear about your mum." But I definitely wouldn't want to discuss it.
Pity or sympathy would kill me.
Let things be as normal as possible; normal is safe.

Listening is often more helpful than talking. When we see someone in pain, we often feel an anxiety; an anxious need to "fix" the problem and "rescue" them. We can't fix it, and awkward attempts to do so often simply make the grieving person feel more misubderstood and alone. It's not about us and our anxiety.
With grief, that's often overlaid with our own existential anxiety and fear of death. This is often so overwhelming for people that they withdraw and avoid the grieving individual. Again, it's not about our anxiety. Simply offering your presence when wanted, and a listening ear sans BS advice, is often very helpful. We can't grieve for them, but they don't have to grieve alone. Really listen; don't be composing your clever response while they're talking; and not hear what they're really saying.
Grief is a process, and often a messy one; three steps forward, two steps back. It can often be more acute around holidays and important dates; birthdays, anniversaries, death dates. It's also very individualistic; people grieve in their own way in their own time; expectations that they 'should be over it by now' are not helpful.
In grief, a true friend could be described as someone who, when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, will sit with you in the darkness.

How Not to Say The Wrong Thing
To console someone who's grieving, first try not making it about you

Thanks for the thought-provoking reply Piobaire.

My question is really what does one do when there is no obvious outward signs being shown & it has not been mentioned directly yet - do you just avoid the topic until they are ready to say something?

6 weeks on he should still be in the height of his grief, but as yet I have not seen anything to indicate how he is really felling.

Sorry my reply wasn't helpful.

The first stage of grief is denial. Some folk simply pretend that it isn't there. That's not a long-term solution, but it does give them time to adjust to the new reality.
You might try mentioning "the elephant in the room". Even if he doesn't want to talk about it now, you can show that you're aware of the situation, that you care, and that you're available.

"I heard about your mother; I'm very sorry. How are you?"
"If you ever need to talk, or just hang out, you're welcome to with me."

Sorry if it looked that way - your personal experience is a good insight too, I do appreciate your replies. Keeping things as normal as possible appears to be the approach my friend is trying to take, at least for now.

As Piobaire suggests, my friend might also be trying to deny the reality of the situation for now, until he has time to move through the other stages of grief in his own time.

I carried on as normal after I lost a parent in my early 20s, I'd just started seeing a girl at the time and she assumed it was a step parent because the way I dealt with it.