I feel abandoned

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Refer to this thread to understand the basis of my story:

viewtopic.php?t=372945

Honestly, after giving it the run down, I've realized that after last year, between my dad's affair, having a hard time with people on the internet, getting fired for the first time, being used by the one person who called me his "friend" just so he could run his stupid history club, being treated as a third wheel by my lab-partners, hating the heck out of my courses (especially macroeconomics and chemistry), I truly feel abandoned now.

But I guess that now I've been through so much that it's all behind me. I just hope that the rest is worth the trouble now that I don't have to worry about others anymore. Though the reason why I say this partially is because my mom told me not to get my hopes up after I asked her where my sister and Dad were, since she said that they'll come and visit (though not really) me for my birthday.

I guess, in some case, I'm meant to be alone. I guess I don't sit too well with friends and just tend to relate to people that are older than me. Logically speaking, since this is the period that I have to focus on bringing myself up from the ground up, it makes sense that I shouldn't worry about making friends, but rather spend time focusing on reading more often. The only problem is that I don't have enough time. Furthermore, high school really gave me a bum rap and I feel bad about it all. Not that it's stopping me from learning or anything, but it took me this long to realize how far behind I am. Honestly, by the time I reach my late 20s, it may as well seem that it would be much easier to find a girlfriend than friends. And only then would it make sense there since people look for partners that are exactly like their parents in a way, just as how I may find myself looking for someone exactly like my Mom.

Ive read that other people on this site prefer to be alone to avoid termoil from other people. Most people I find it hard to be around. I keep my hopes up that I might find a boyfriend I can tolerate. All my past boyfriends were disrespectful to me in some way. I dont know why. Maybe because I have autism. But thats all I can do is keep my hopes up that I will meet a nice guy that I care about.

But you’re doing well in school. And about to graduate......

Maybe it's because it's more about avoiding people than it is to avoid the suffering semblant people. Although I can understand this implication, it's really more or less foolish since humans are built upon social interaction. Your boyfriends probably didn't respect you for who you were, not just because you were autistic. However, I find that the key to having a good relationship is not really to get your hopes up, but just to take things as they are. And whenever you or I do find that special someone (guy in your case, woman for mine), remember that it just "is."




Only for next semester and I'm already starting the process of how to transfer, but even then that doesn't help the fact that I have no one to support me. Especially when you (as in me) find out that your mother googled how to kill herself, knowing that you'll be abandoned indefinitely since she states time and again that she's the only person who talks to you. Nowadays, I wonder whom she holds her faith into.

My family...well, I feel now that it's all empty promises nowadays. Nothing ever feels the same. I don't feel valued as much and I think it's because I rarely see my Mom's side of her family. Since her parents are dead, it seems that there's not much going back to. Compared to my Dad's side, though everything there just seems so shallow.

Does your mother treat you badly?

I don't know. Before I graduated high school, everything just seemed bad. I remember one post that I made that someone said that I was old enough babysit my sister by 14 or 15, rather than have almost 2 dozen babysitters (latter second of them being mainly drivers, though most of them being playmates for my sister). Furthermore, it just seemed that my parents focused more on their jobs. Every conversation just seemed to be about money between them. I remember them getting into a fight about tax money, too. But I can't go further from there. It's just too much.

Honestly, I don't know. I really don't. I'm more or less willing to find someone like my mother rather than make reparations since that's what men and women do to find a partner for themselves; to find a partner like their parent. But I seem mired by complacency because of this because of my nature in being human and also my psychology in what I want. I just seem to try and make right out of wrongs that I posted because I don't know what I want because there's nothing that I want from the experiences given.