I hate Asperger's and I want to kill myself

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f**k Asperger's. Hate is an understatement. I might as well be dead. I hate being the only one in my family with the s**t. All my 12 cousins are normal, even one or two of them who might have traits of ASD still seem to have more friends than me. Nobody seems to want to be my friend. Maybe it isn't Asperger's that makes people dislike me, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm a sh***y person. I'm a hopeless case. I feel like taking an overdose, get me out of this life because I don't want to be a friendless f**k any more. Everyone around me has friends they're doing things with, everyone has friends to invite round for Christmas, New year's and birthday parties. But me, I'm just so f*****g friendless that it's just embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I've always gone out of my way to make friends; I've done volunteering, joined clubs, tried to mingle with friends of my cousins, and I do get acquainted, maybe meet up a couple of times, chat on Facebook, then the friendship dies out. I try to keep in touch by texting every couple of weeks to ask how they are and ask if we could meet up, and sometimes it materializes but I know that if I didn't text them they wouldn't bother texting me. Nobody I used to know at school wants to know, but other people seem to stay in touch with their old school friends. I feel awkward going on Facebook, adding them as a friend and trying to ask them to meet up. They'd just remember me as the stupid ret*d from school.

This f*****g Asperger's is just getting to me and I cannot accept that I'm the only one in my family with the s**t. In fact I don't know HOW to accept it. I don't like being the one with the least friends, it just makes me feel bad about myself. The less friends you have, the less friends you will ever have, because people think that friendless f***s like me are dangerous or diseased or something.

I might as well kill myself. It's OK, my mum will die soon anyway as she has stage 4 cancer, and my cousins have got all their friends so they will get over it. My boyfriend smokes like a chimney so he'll die before me. I might as well be dead. I hate my brain. Why me? Why do I have Asperger's? Why? Was it the wrong sperm that made it to the egg? Why hasn't any of my cousins have it? Normally ASDs are one of those things that more than one family member has. But no, my parents are NTs, my brother is BPD (not sure if this counts as NT or not but still allistic and doesn't stop him from having friends), and the 2 cousins who have some ASD traits aren't 'serious' enough to be affected socially because they seem able to make and keep NT friends.

But me, no. I have to be a textbook Aspie, don't I? I mean, I am not like Rain Man at all but I might as well be. At least if I was Rain Man I would be happy being friendless in my own little world and wouldn't be self-aware enough to realise how friendless I am.

I really do wish autism didn't exist. I don't care that some autistics are savants capable of inventing time machines. Humans are clever, and I'm sure all our technology would still have been invented without autistics. Or at least I wish it didn't exist in girls, then I would be completely safe from it.

Joe90, firstly I would like to say that I find your distress very real and I feel sad that you are so distressed at the moment.

We are ill equipped to deal with threats of suicide and you may find people not replying simply because we don't know what to say, it is a shocking thing to think someone is thinking of taking their own life. Please do not do that. Seek, instead, some medical help - maybe an adjustment of your meds is needed. Seek real world counselling support, or at least someone you can talk to.

This is a rough patch, hang on in there it will get better.

Please do NOT kill yourself. Something about your presence and your responses now and when I was here four years ago has been helpful to me and I assume to some others, too. You are a thoughtful person. I can always see and feel through your posts to something intelligent and true. Maybe you have the idea you are not coming through in your online communications, but you are connecting with people here. The only thing I have been meaning to ask you for the whole time I have been back is if it is okay to call you Joey, as I recall this is what I and others used to call you before.

What has happened recently to make you feel this way? Has your mother's cancer status become worse?

The thing is, you've been relatively upbeat lately, you like your job, you moved in with your boyfriend which was a big step and you seem to have managed fine. You did get to go clubbing last summer.

So if your mental health is suddenly worse - I've never seen you talk about suicide before - then I have to think something has happened that you can't cope with very well. If you can identify it, that might help you get resources to deal better.

Please don't kill yourself. Hang in there. Ride out the storm.

Sounds like you are focused on friends right now. I think real friends are one in a million. Mostly people identified as friends have pretty superficial relationships. I think it is worth waiting around for the one in a million.

If you really think you will hurt yourself call 911 and get to an emergency room and get the help you need to get through.

Joe90 - I like you. You're a good person. I'm sorry you feel so down. When I read your posts here they cheer me up. You're fun. I hope you feel better soon.

You can call me Joey if you wish.
And thanks for replying, empathy is the only support you can offer, which is what you all have offered.

I don't want my meds changed. It's just that something brought this on all of a sudden. I have a cousin who has always been unpopular and has some learning difficulties, and we grew up together and we were like twins, we literally thought in the same way and we are still alike now, although as adults we have our own lives and so don't see each other so often. But I have always found it comforting that she is the only person related to me who has never been the best at making friends, although she was just a little bit better than me but not as socially average as our NT peers. But for her birthday coming up she's announced that she is inviting some old school friends she hasn't seen for years, and also some people she worked with in her previous job. So she suddenly has all these friends to invite to her place for her birthday party. I will go to the party too because I like mingling, but that still doesn't stop me feeling depressed about myself.

I don't really want to tell my partner or my family that I feel this way because they will think I'm being jealous. But I'm not being jealous. Well, yes, I'm jealous of everyone for having more social skills than me, but I'm not jealous of my cousin having friends over. I just feel insecure about my lack of ability to make friends.

((Joe90))

And don't worry, I won't commit suicide. I do have more control than what it looks like in my post. But for a brief moment I just thought about it. Saying that I hate Asperger's is literally an understatement, so saying that I wish I were dead really illustrates how much I hate having Asperger's.

That's good to hear Joe.

Before you get too jealous of your cousin - wait and see how many people actually show up to her party.

You know I like you, Joey (may I call you Joey, too?)

Having lots of friends ain't what it's cracked up to be. I have very few actual friends, and I'm happy about that.

You have your boyfriend; that's the most important thing.

And you enjoy going to amusement parks and going on holiday.

And you have a job you feel pretty satisfied with.

People don't go to weddings, primarily, because they hate having to dress up and act "mannerly."

Some people really don't want to hear all those speeches at the reception LOL