(When) should I tell dad I moved?

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I moved back to my home county in September and dad lives in this county.

My dad is a pain in the butt. I'm being nice here. Every time we meet up, he has a heated verbal argument with someone. I almost said fight but it doesn't get physical but all it would take is one person to get offended by what he says and there might be a physical fight... Also he doesn't let me out of his sight and he insists we do things like holding hands and hugging which feels uncomfortable esp given his family history, not getting into that here but I don't think he understands boundaries.

I didn't tell him I came back to live here. We continued texting each other.

Should I tell him that I don't want to be around him when he behaves like this but that I've moved back to my home county?

I find the lying really hard. I was talking about my current city which is bigger than the old one and he said 'wow, your city really has changed and become more happening lately'. I mean he isn't the greatest lie detector in the world but I'm pretty sure he knows.

Also it's getting annoying having to not tell him my address. I have to get things posted to him from outside the city. He can't send me anything, it has to be through my granddad.

But because I lied he's going to 1 kick off big time and 2 come and meet up with me. He isn't someone I want in my home and I don't want to visit him in his, basically I never want to see him face to face again.

well if it was me, i'd ghost him till i could, then blast him when out of option one. (as in, telling him i dont want to see him again and why). u dont have to suffer a person, who is insuffarable - even if they are ur parent...

I wouldn't tell him. I would limit contact until you are able to successfully defend your boundaries with him - if it means "forever", so be it.

I hope your dad hasn’t abused you in the past.

You’ve mentioned before that you find him sort of creepy.

Yep. People have to know boundaries.

You’re a pretty cool person. I wish you had a better relationship with your dad.

Maybe its best to avoid him. It is your life after all.

Not deliberately and I'm not sure he has. What I mean is he's never done anything sexual but he's done things which are sexual when non family members do them and it feels inappropriate to do them as an adult. Pretty sure you're not meant to be sitting on parent's knees when you're in your 20s but he gets super offended if I don't... It's not like a 2 year old. I don't think he means it sexually though, I think he missed out on parts of my childhood and wants to recreate it now. He is incredibly naïve and doesn't see the sexual nuance in things.

He also follows me about shops so the way that shops have aisles - he doesn't let me on separate aisles in case someone snatches me in broad daylight. He was acting like that when I was 25. Like I say, boundaries. And knowing how to treat me like an adult/teenager.

I'm just going to continue lying to him as he's ok via text (one to one without physical contact) and if he starts asking questions I'm going to be blunt with him. Some of his behaviour and boundary crossing is unacceptable in anyone. Trouble is if he then takes a turn for the worse as he has mental health problems. I know 1 in 4 people do including myself but 1 in 4 people aren't hospitalised more than once in their life, that's like a disease rather than a common cold.

When he finds out the truth he'll probably blame my mother. He almost always does if I cross him because he can't understand that he might have upset his kid without me having to be brainwashed first.

I have a good relationship with him via text but it's pretty shallow. As soon as I touch on anything deep he changes the topic or goes silent. Not even personal to our relationship stuff or even personal at all to either of us. Just if a conversation has depth he loses it and goes silent or says shallow things about football, TV, music etc.

Me and his sister and brother (he has eight siblings to put this in perspective and dozens of nieces and nephews) can stand to be around him and a few friends from church. He consistently blurs boundaries or picks fights or stuff and people hate him, it makes me feel sorry for him.

If anyone makes you feel unsafe, I think it is wise to set very clear, rigid boundaries or avoid them entirely. I would be hesitant to give him your address if you don't want to see him in person. So even if you tell him you moved, I would recommend not telling him where. And if he asks, be up front that his behavior in the past has made you uncomfortable and because of that you only want to talk via text for now, so he doesn't need your address.

I would also be very cautious about his physical behavior, and if you are around him in person have very clear boundaries ahead of time. And maybe never be alone together if you at all question your safety. It is 100% okay to tell someone you don't want to hug, kiss, etc. At all. They should be able to respect that. If not, that is a red flag. My kid is a preschooler, and I respect his right to tell me he doesn't want a hug when I ask.

It doesn't have to be anything sexual to be violated or abused. A drastic example - beating a child till they bleed for an arbitrary reason would be a plain non-sexual abuse.

But back to your father. If you feel unconfortable with his behaviors and he doesn't stop it when you tell him, you have all your right to limit your contact with him. Even if he is lonely and you pity him - it's the "plane oxygen mask" issue, yourself first.
Some people are slow to get boundaries. I had to make a big rant about it and call some ugly names before my inlaws learned to respect my privacy. But they did learn it. Before they did, I refused to visit them a few times.

Being violated may take many forms. I remember my great uncle. He was childless and child-hungry, and whenever we met, he was all like awww, sweet little baby, itsy-pitsy goo goo ga ga, hugging and kissing me and not letting me out. I was a toddler but I still remember how I hated it. It wasn't sexual, the violation was on a totally different plane. I was a little professor kind of a child and most adults either interacted with the little professor me, or ignored me. Both options were okay. But this one uncle (and, to lesser extent, wis wife) refused to acknowledge who I was and forced me in a role that never fit me. He wanted a sweet ditzy baby, not a 2yo little intellectualist who wants to talk about how interesting everything is. He refused to accept the truth about me, refused to act according to the truth about me and that was violating.
To a lesser extent, I feel a bit like that towards my parents now. They refuse to acknowledge that I'm agnostic. I can tell anything to them, they just won't listen and still pretend I'm as catholic as them. I can live with that but mainly because I have other people who do accept the truth.