Need advice for a friend who's abused

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My boyfriend is mentally abused at home and can't get out. He has Asperger's but is not allowed to learn how to drive or get a job. He wants to move out but has no money of his own. The parents won't let him apply for SSI because they think it's only for "lazy" people. He has severe dyslexia and needs help with reading walls of texts. The parents do not even believe he has dyslexia, they just think he is "lazy". It's a rural conservative town in the deep south of the United States. Abuse is not taken seriously unless it is physical or sexual. His IEP at school is not being met. The parents do not care enough to sue.

He once tried to commit suicide in front of the father and the father just laughed at him instead of calling the police. He's tried every major abuse hotline out there and they won't help. The school says they can only do something if the abuse turns physical. I told him he needs to contact Dr. Phil. He has, but he didn't know how to contact them back with the "evidence" they needed. He has it. Again, most sites like that are "walls of texts" and he needs someone to help him. His parents threaten to send him to a local psychiatric hospital if he comes to them and this place has a history of abusing it's patients. Even the people who work there don't have too many positive things to say about it. He says if he's ever sent there he will kill himself or kill himself when they finally let him go. The father is a popular preacher and a local celebrity so that's probably why they are so eager to send him somewhere where no one will listen to him. I video chat with him all the time and have heard the father verbally abusing him in the background. I wish I had a way to record it. Other friends have heard him berating him left and right too. Is there anywhere that will take him seriously and help him?

Wow! That's a terrible situation! I don't really have the answer for you, but I wanted to bump this back up to bring it to the attention of other members who might. Social services? I don't know.

I'm so sorry that your boyfriend has to go through that. Sadly anything government related probably won't do anything if there is no "evidence" to prove that and since his father is a local celebrity it would be hard to convince anyone in the area to believe your boyfriend. But here are some ideas, if he is video chatting on one thing and can access another device online he could show you the site and you could help him read and understand what it's saying or you could go to the site and read it and give him information that he needs to get help. Other than that... I really don't know.

You have posted on this subject before, which makes this a duplicate thread. Could you add to your old thread please, and ask the moderators to lock or delete this one, please?

Because this one is more private. I don't want his family seeing it.

for one, most apps that allow video chat, also allow screenshare. for 2, u could open the site on ur own screen and read it to him. for 3, if he has a webcam he can also record things with it. yes, situation is f****d up. been there, had that. still having that each time i let my family close enough to hit at me. tho most of my life i had no idea that is abusive xD also, what if u get that evidence from ur friend and send it wherever it should go on his behalf?

Who should he send it to?

u wrote u had some leads... if i understood u correctly. how would i know exact adresses?

How old is the friend? Is he even capable of doing anything for himself? Do his parents have legal custody over him? Is he really being abused, or are his parents just exercising their custodial duties by protecting him from activities and situations that he may be incapable of handling? If he needs constant supervision, are you willing to take on the responsibility?

If the authorities are unwilling to investigate, then maybe the real reason is because their is nothing actually wrong with the situation -- even the alleged suicide attempt was likely related to you only by your friend, and it may have never really happened.

Unless you're an eyewitness to his alleged abuse, your friend could just be "playing" you for the sympathy and attention; and even if you are an eyewitness, you could be exaggerating the "abuse" beyond its actual magnitude and intent.

If there are any disability law lawyers nearby that might be a good place to go to, especially if they are public interest. They can help him/you with all the forms and look into the legal issues of what is going on.

19

Emotional abuse. At first I thought he was just exaggerating but I've heard the father berating him on video chat. It's so bad he's suicidal.

So … a 19-year old man under the legal guardianship of his parents gets 'berated' by his father for … what, exactly? Is the father justified in any of his complains against his son, or did the son just happen to contact you with a video chat when his father just happened to be in a bad mood?

Emotional abuse is difficult to prove unless there is also physical abuse involved.

"Suicidal" intent is also difficult to prove unless:

• He actually expresses a plan to commit suicide (the more detailed the plan, the more likely the suicide)
• He actually expresses no hope for the future
• He actually expresses opinions as to what his suicide would achieve
• He actually expresses thoughts of hurting himself or others

If you suspect that his suicide is imminent, then you might contact the police in his area.

Did you happen to hear what the father was "berating" him for?

I would try to consult with a disability lawyer, so you can learn more about the law. That would help you get a better idea of how to advocate for him.

He is above "legal age"---but his parents might remain "guardians" for him. This might mean he's still a "child" in the eyes of the law---hence, under the control of his parents.

It sounds like he's in a tough spot. It's good and nice that you are an advocate for him.

But you really can't do anything unless the parents are actually physically abusing him. I would confirm all advice given with the disability lawyer you consult with, though.

"Little 13-year old girl", "p****", "drama maker" are all insults I have heard the father call him. I got worried once and e-mailed his school social worker. He told me she read it and said to tell me to email her again if I ever hear anything suspicious. As far as I know, the parents do not have guardianship. He's tried the police but they don't take emotional abuse seriously. When he was 11-years old, the father did punch him in the face for his "attitude" but that was so long ago nothing can be done about it now. There was no one to tell either because he was home-schooled at the time. The father has threatened to "beat you like a red-headed stepchild" but stopped after I told him to tell a teacher or someone at his school. Adult Protective Services was sent out but they didn't do nothing since there was no evidence of physical or sexual abuse. The father threatened to kick him out of the home if they or anyone like them showed up again.

Your best bet is probably to start talking to people in your area who advocate for people with disabilities/autism.

You might get people who really don't want to listen, who have "heard it all before." But be persistent until you find someone to listen.

And always be calm when you talk to them. Don't get mad if somebody doesn't seem to be "listening" (except in your mind, of course).

Wow! That IS abusive! I don't blame you for being concerned.Then if the 19-year old is not under guardianship, he should be free to move out, apply for SSI, and live on his own. Unfortunately, that also means that CPS is not likely to intervene when called in to protect the "child".

It's a sad thing that people still practice the "18 And Out" policy with their male children (it's "21 And Out" for females). My dad did it with me, and his dad did it with him. Even if parents don't specifically voice this policy, the very idea that they have a 19+ year old son still in the house may make them hostile toward the son, thus motivating them to use abusive language to force him out.