Am I allowed to feel this way?

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I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 12 years old as a result of the way teachers and my parents handled my behavior when I was young. I was diagnosed with Asperger's later than the norm, so much of my school life my issues were mislabeled and mishandled. I was 'emotionally disturbed' instead of wired differently. My response to over stimulation was seen as me just causing trouble, not actually feeling the crushing effects of too much stimuli at once.

My fight or flight response was overwhelmingly the thing I ran on. So, if I felt everything getting too much, sometimes I would just run. Run to the bathroom. Run from school. Run into the street. The solution of the teachers, and at times my mother, was if they saw even the slightest indication I might be getting up to run, they would restrain me. I've been held down, dragged down hallways, thrown into locked rooms while a stranger watched me have a panic attack. Those are just some highlights.

Anyway, until recently, I have denied those things having an effect on me, but I can't even be in school now. I was taking some community college classes until a few weeks ago when my teacher put a hand on my shoulder to tell me something before I left the room. I swear I jumped a foot in the air, and every time I tried to go back into her class I started hyperventilating. Similar things happened with my other classes before I finally just dropped out.

I flinch sometimes when my mom moves. It will literally just be her waving at me. I tried to get her to go to therapy with me but she said that 'the past is in the past' and 'she was doing her best.' I know that's true. And I feel weird ever saying I have PTSD because nothing was done to intentionally hurt me. It was just poor management. I love my parents, they are so supportive, more than any of my friends parents, and I feel ungrateful.

It took me years to accept I had trauma because I didn't feel like I was allowed to.

I'm having trouble functioning because of this, but no one wants to work through it with me.

I'm having a hard time giving myself permission to feel these things.

I don't think feelings need justification-everyone can feel different from the same stimuli. You have every right to feel whatever it is you feel. It doesn't matter much intentions-in the sense that....what matters is whether or not the person sees you're hurt but continues to do things that hurt you. Also sometimes people's definition of "good actions" will hurt your well being-and so they may need to be cut from your life regardless of intent.

I don't view you as ungrateful. I've been through a similar things. If someone hurts you, its like they took parts of yourself from you-(confidence, esteem, ect). If they care, they'll accept that intent is a cop-out because the victim has to live with the damage done. And they'll work on helping you anyway possible.

You don't need someone's permission to feel, as you already have the right to feel whatever it is you feel

Last edited by fromamegaverse on 18 Mar 2019, 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Of course you're "allowed" to feel this way.

I feel like you need an objective person to talk to about this---a psychotherapist.

There are quite a few people here with PTSD. You are not alone.

I had some similar experiences in school.

Intention isn't a prerequisite for PTSD. People don't usually want to cause harm and they often don't want to believe they may have. But they still can nonetheless.

Sometimes they protect themselves from seeing it in less than helpful ways. My mom says the exact same things.

Everyone lives their life according to a narrative, some can be pretty defensive. But that's their own issue to deal with.

You are allowed to feel any way you do feel. We don't chose our feelings, only how we act in response to them. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them, and let them go.

Also, there are no "Bad" feelings or "wrong" feelings. Just feelings - pay attention to them, they can teach you a lot.

Your feelings are your feelings.
Your experiences are your experiences.
Your truth is your truth.

You are the only one who has experienced your life as you and you have a right to be yourself, emotions and all.

As for your reactions to loved ones, your brain most likely doesn't realize what is happening. PTSD triggers can be weird like that.

I once hauled off and punched someone who touched my shoulder at the state fair. (I don't remember doing it. My boyfriend [now husband] told me about it later.)

lets say i am a much older version of u. version, that was made to believe her feelings were wrong. and her mother is supportive and wants her good. it is a lie. its not impossible for allistics to understand us, to act really considerate and supportive. to get it, even if they dont feel the same way. ofc, there is never a full, real understanding of another person, but there is an honest attempt. and if its not there, then all their pledge for support is nigh lie. so yes, as others here had said, ur feelings are not just valid, they are very important. and it really is great, that u started understanding it this early. u might manage to get out of this loop and have a more secure adult life. i was not diagnosed as autistic. i was not diagnosed with ptsd or depression when the symptoms were all out in the open as a teenager. i was called "lazy", "get a grip of urself" etc. and i let myself be convinced that is normal. it is not. supressing it and going on is just like ignoring a gushing wound with profuse bleeding. and going on. it will fester, if u dont die of blood loss. acknowledge u have it, and get it stitched now. harming u because they "didnt know" still is harming u. they should HAVE known. especially school teachers, its their f*****g job. and they failed it on u. and there is no excuse.

Everyone has the right to feel how they feel & I 2nd krafti about the psychotherapist assuming your not seeing one already that is.